tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37293277670155409042024-02-20T18:11:52.877-08:00Melancholy MadThe effects, past and present of depression and divorce on this bloke
Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.comBlogger226125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-3249233385262239992019-04-23T07:51:00.000-07:002023-11-16T08:42:16.385-08:00Where is the flipping finishers flag?!<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This year has be the first in a long time where it has been consistently stable, stable in a good mental health way. There have been the odd little blips but mostly a nice stable line of balance. Knowing the difference between circumstantial and inner black and blues helps too. Is the issue just it or is it due to something going on or going wrong? A deeper worry that is manifesting itself, that kind of thing. Also, since finding out about this whole SPD issue I am learning about what is potentially causing the big depressive breakdowns. A little bit of knowledge is good but it doesn't it make it any easier. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, now it is a case of me trying to work my round around and through this fairly new development and trying to not let the fear of another episode stop me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I heard about Keith Flint and his passing it saddened me but it also made me fearful of my next episode. It weaken you each time because you know what you turn into what you become and the thought of going through it again and again well, it certainly forces you to stop and think, truly think about whether you can or even want to carry on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So far though, it's ok and compared to how I was over 7 years ago that is something of an achievement for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-47529151625187100542019-01-14T05:45:00.003-08:002019-01-14T05:45:48.277-08:00With frozen icy hands he held on for the warm spring<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A new year, a new post.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So the sudden apparent appearance of insomnia has kept to it's end of year consistency as at the moment sleep has been a bit inconsistent. Last night I think I got close to three to three and half hours. Not entirely sure why. It could a mix of things, the over sleeping on the one hand, the not being able to switch off the brain on the other. Certain worries crop up but tend to crop up just as I am about to nod off which is really annoying. And it's odd as I feel fairly stable, more than I have been in a while. But this? This could make that wobble some. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But we shall see. It's still early but I can't help but feel a bit skittish regarding it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the good side of things me, I potentially have a new job coming up. It's not huge but it is a step forward. At least from my other job anyway.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Onwards to 19.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-67339303680572120012018-12-10T06:07:00.001-08:002018-12-10T06:07:36.675-08:00Condensation on the inside of my car window<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This last month or so has been to put it in a John Shuttleworth way, oooff.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Fears , worries, some tangible some not so tangible, present, past, future, all up there brewing away in that noggin of mine. It also culminated in a couple of weeks of intermittent insomnia which was tasking and a reminder of what I used to go through back in 2012. That dizzy, washed out feeling prevalent though the day. There was real reason why, aside from the above, as my head decided to cogitate on stuff for no apparent reason. It wasn't as if I had done anything to get excited about prior to bed either but along it came in a throwback to 2012, lovely stuff. Sheesh. Annoying because I was doing relatively ok up until then. I say relatively as Oct saw a wobble after a mental health first aid course and a planned trip to see a certain Canadian poet but I just couldn't do it. I hadn't slept and knew it would be a struggle. Especially after the course ion the same day which had brought up certain issues and memories for me. So I decided not to go. It made sense especially as I was in bed by the time it would have ended. It felt like the right adult self care decision to make. Even though I was disappointed in more ways than one.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I also, for some reason, had another nice dream about the ex. She was just resting on my lap and we chatted. It was...nice. Annoyingly so. All that aside it was...ok. I've had worse. But this no sleeping really knocked me back some and made me worry I was falling into...that black. But so far it's just that worry. It is hard to dispel though, that feeling of going back to it. I don't think I ever will lose it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And if that all wasn't enough as another Xmas season approaches a former love is now with someone else. It had to happen, I know but still, oooff.</span><br />
<br />Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-42463537725865776582018-10-30T10:14:00.003-07:002018-10-30T10:14:57.737-07:00Like misty breath on a chilly day. One second there and real and the next... gone.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And for that, near, half a second I thought that it had happened.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dreams. Your own picture house of wants, needs, loves, hates and nightmares. Sometimes remembered, sometimes best forgotten. I had one this morning that revolved around my ex wife. It was nice. It was almost as if my mind had distilled the nice bits and goodness of that relationship and presented it to me in that dream. We were in a car together and for some reason I opened up to her and told her what I had been up to, what I had achieved since we had split, what had gone right, what had gone wrong, how I had been in that time. And she listened, we held hands and I wasn't angry or bitter or resentful towards her I just wanted to let her know what I had done and how I had been, the good and the bad. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I awoke it was almost real and then the realisation hit and I was left... confused. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I think mostly I was saddened that it hadn't happened. I think it stems from when we met, sort of met, back in December last year during a reunion for a military thing we were both at. I had spent a lot of time wondering what would happens, all the what ifs and after all that not very much happened at all. I am sure part of me wanted to catch up with her see if any part of her was proud of what I had achieved but realistically it wasn't going to happen. And so I'm left with....this. This surface feeling. Thankfully they aren't as prevalent as once they were, those sorts of dreams. They used to leave me very discombobulated. Now, they just leave me feeling distinctly... meh. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yesterday was a good day; today? Not so much. I'd knock on the head and hit the sack if I didn't have things to do and if I thought I would actually sleep.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Big sigh.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-76786898458839774822018-10-04T06:58:00.000-07:002018-10-04T06:58:31.837-07:00I can time travel. To the same day and relive the same experience.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It didn't come at the best time. But then does it ever? Bad news. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Two bits of bad news, well, three, two jobs, one university. Chances to progress, kick on and move forward but no. No go. I was starting to feel a bit grey as the sun goes away for Autumn and Winter and the darkness began to creep in. But these set backs have really booted me one. I'm trying hard not to bin everything off that I have set up. I have one thing today, just not feeling up to do it at all, hoping that the rest will help some. Especially as I have the half marathon at the weekend. I am also feeling bad, achey, tired which are bad signs indeed. Those signs point towards danger. What to do? Rest and hope for the best as I utilise my wellness tricks to either soothe or distract? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Or...no. I cannot, I won't. It's too easy to panic and jettison everything. And one it is in my mind it is difficult to dislodge. The calmness will be nice but the guilt and hammering of myself will soon offset all of that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">An oldie but a goldie for more than just the fab tune. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I just need to take their advice. It used to work for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-23035506638385721332018-09-25T08:55:00.003-07:002018-09-25T08:55:40.532-07:00The tea is brewing in the pot. It's the sixth day now.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">An interesting week has been had.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A TV show regarding adults and Autsim prompted me to consult my doctor and present my case for me thinking that I had, at the very least, Aspergers. Thankfully, my Dr passed these on to the local autism assessment group and I had two sessions for them to, well, assess me. It was probing and wearing but good. Unfortunately I wasn't diagnosed as having autism but what it did reveal I wasn't so keen on taking away. Sensory processing disorder, not really recognised in the UK alas, and Adhd without the H were also mentioned and the former certainly makes sense for me after reading up on it. That was fine, kind of, no, what the problem was the the not wanting to take away was the early relationship, or lack-thereof, with my father. It would certainly explain a lot with regards to my anxiety, continuing, relationships, both friends and romancey but well, it now what? More resentment for my father and trying to deal with whatever this sensory thing is. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the plus side of things I do have a new outlet for all things internal outside of this blog and that's poetry! So that is something if nothing else. Trying to understand me, well, that is ever ongoing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This gal is my savior in so many ways.</span><br />
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<br />Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-12679204617326368412018-08-21T07:36:00.002-07:002018-08-21T07:36:26.108-07:00Smudged Chrome<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This has been a testing year. In my 45th year I can say that outside of that second great depression this year is a tricky one. Jobs I thought I was either perfect for or near guaranteed to get well, it wasn't the case for one reason or other. A relationship I thought was going to turn into a relationship changed into nothing rapidly. My coaching has shrunk to voluntary roles and my University applications have turned into bugger all. I'm getting pains in my teeth, certain body parts and trouble with the water works. I'm also getting into that sack it all off as soon as I finish work type of mood as well. I try and make a change, make the change, force it, let it happen, all of the above but yet here I am still. The relationship thing is something I am getting used to, like this mental illness. More because I think it will be better that way in the long run. It will save me a lot of potential misery, I've enough of that, and heartache.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Still, hope always springs eternal whether I want it or not.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I also suspect autism, or rather me being on the autism spectrum. I have an assessment coming up next month. It could answer a lot of questions about me.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-88070840261159276772018-07-18T06:34:00.001-07:002018-07-18T06:34:30.113-07:0045<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-79271671600962839052018-05-22T04:15:00.001-07:002018-05-22T04:15:12.007-07:00He'd gotten up the third time but by the fourth he was reticent<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It has been a testing year thus far. And it's only flipping May. There have been a few too many emails with sentences that begin with, Unfortunately. Never good and certainty not for me. Everything I thought I had a good chance of succeeding in or even entering, nope, life says no. Jobs, education, even flipping the dating scene it's all just not working. Add suspected autism and well, you can see that things are testing this year. Physical health problems and the usual mental health issues are certainly making me field test my resilience from the last great depression.The warning signs are there, the disturbed sleep, that fear in the late evening and early morning, raging at myself over slight things road signs that could lead to....well, I only need to read the first entries of this blog to finish that sentence.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It feels as though as I get older my mental collection either grows or becomes more ingrained. Or am I just more aware of it now? Either way it is making me nervous as what is to come, what is to come for me. The image of myself and what I was going to be as an adult is crumbling fast. That is if it hasn't already.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm starting to feel like I can't cope again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The road feels never-ending.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-36803244959983534112018-04-23T06:51:00.001-07:002018-04-23T06:51:34.216-07:00He pushed back as much as he could but the water still flowed over him<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Oh dear. What to do? Everything is going wrong. Plans are just falling through or apart and I can barely control the anxiety at the moment. A girl I was dating just decided to end it, despite it feeling like it was <i>something</i>. Uni has fallen through, jobs applied for likewise and my physical health is slipping. Bright spot is my running injury finally settling down. That aside I don't know what I am going to do. I have a job application being assessed this week and if that falls through, options are limited. and I will have to reassess Again. I know things are bad when I get that steady current of panic in my chest. It takes a day or so to settle and makes me apprehensive as it can, sometimes, lead to a big black incident. And well, that I don't want to go back to. The fear of going back to me then is a very scary prospect. But I do feel elements of it, in me. Perhaps I always will. Or I am just better at recognising it now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't know what to do. I can neither offer advice or even suggest ways to deal with any of this aside from going back to what I know soothes me, music, games, reading.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-2776657920891501422018-04-09T03:13:00.001-07:002018-04-09T03:13:40.381-07:00There's No Escape<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The above title I have probably used before. It's familiar to me and not due to it being inherently familiar to me due to its origin. It is something that plays in my mind when in stressful times. Lately it has been on my mind due to mental concerns. The usual depression and ocd concerns and the fact that it won't be going anywhere and is something I will need to reconcile myself with. Which has been difficult lately as due to it being at rest before rousing these past few weeks it forces me to face up to that fact. Another potential mental concern has arrived though. After watching a tv programme about it I am now wondering and trying to set up a referral test regarding autism. Admittedly it is easy to self diagnose based what you see and read, TV, Google etc but seeing what was explained and the people who displayed and spoke of behaviors, thoughts and actions that I take and have taken was quite a revelation and explained a lot about me. It explained a lot about how I feel, how I act and where when it comes to sensory inputs it can overwhelm me. Now, getting it diagnosed is something else. I experience enough waiting when really bad with the black so to go through similar and possibly even longer with this new concern on the block, not so keen. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It has come in a year that, so far, has been a bit disappointing. Three big set backs regarding moving forward, two Uni course turn downs and a no for a job I interviewed for last year. Mild panic ensues as that old familiar of overthinking in the night and the inevitable broke and disturbed sleep follow. Elements that are all too familiar when the second great depression began. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So I don't know what to do. Where to go now. My route map is not relevant now. And I don't know how to deal with that. From me and my mind set, at the moment, there is no escape.</span><br />
<br />Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-84005227835484972782018-02-15T04:07:00.001-08:002018-02-15T04:07:26.590-08:00It's chilly outside inside but cold inside<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There have been a few warning signs these last couple of weeks. One of which is increased blogger writing, obviously, but also the usual. Over tired, sleeping deeply when napping, increased frustration over silly small stuff and that urge to just give up. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Years ago before that first episode I used to like being ill, having a cold or flu because it meant I could rest up, go to bed, let go. I know now that those feelings were warning signs. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I didn't realise it then but I do now. I had a dream when napping that had me rage and break my own stuff in it due to minor frustrations. That's either a warning of what could happen or me worrying about what could happen. Either way it has me concerned. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My mum knows when I am bad and asked me outright, as she does but I couldn't even acknowledge it. When she says nice things to me it won't sink in. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I can't have nice things when I'm bad. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's a worry and if it continues well then that worry will become something else.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I fear a return to what was.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-85405633553416031322018-01-30T04:36:00.001-08:002018-01-30T04:38:24.278-08:00'I'll just have a little rest', he said before drifting off for 6 years<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So yesterday; yesterday was a bit of a shock and I am still feeling it's effects today. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It was a real trip back to how I was when bad. And if that wasn't bad enough the depression nostalgia increased as not long after writing yesterday's post I received an email from that Uni I had applied to turning me down. Of course they did, it was the day for gash news, if nothing else.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That news was like having a pain in the guts and then rising for some air before being hoofed in the family jewels. All that was left for me was music and tea and hope that a new day would bring new mood.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Has it? Not really. I'm feeling very worn inside and certain images of me giving up, as it were, are a bit constant. Not giving up permatenly but giving up nonetheless which is always a bad sign. If nothing, else all this mental illness over the years has made me more aware of the danger signs leading up to an episode. being overly moody, tetchy, snapping at minor things, feeling empty, tired, worn, sleep becoming difficult and then over sleeping if I take a nap and feeling out of it afterwards. Small things to do feeling like they are very big things, small stresses causing me big stressful responses, the usual really. Or, more like, the usual when I am bad. I felt so tired and worn yesterday but when it came to bedtime I took a long time to nod off. Frustrating and confusing. The dreams that followed were all about or involved 'it' too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Thankfully, yesterday and today are pretty open once work has been completed. I've given myself time off from exercise hoping that the rest, mentally and physically, will help some. Aside from that, I can only hope that this will pass. The fear of returning to what I was, when bad, really bad, is still a fear and yesterday has only increased that fear. I must try and not give in to the urge to sweep away all before me when things feel bad. I must test and adjust and try and keep to my treat system. As in, get through this today and when at home I can read in bed as early as I want or buy that album I've been eyeing up. That kind of thing is small but helps muchly.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-91324669566199400532018-01-29T05:36:00.001-08:002018-01-29T05:36:27.528-08:00Words can bring me down<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Things have moved on apace since before, during and after Xmas. I had an interview for a battlefield tour guide before Xmas (required a long drive to a place I'd never ventured to before which was more scary than the interview) I had a new cleaning slot at a fabulous shop (I also got a lill' discount too and had so many ideas for new hobbies and gifts for others too) and I made an application to get onto a full degree course at University. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In this time I've also lost my appetite for coaching. Well, certain coaching. A certain coaching slot where it's more baby sitting than actually coaching. Unfortunately I get paid for that coaching. The voluntary coaching I enjoy so for now I may stick with that. That aside, it just isn't working out. I just can't break into full time. So maybe it's time to go back to what I was, re: the degree Uni thingy. No word back from it so far though. And I have since lost the other cleaning slot. Damn shame that. I really enjoyed it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mentally I'm stable. Apart from today but I suppose days like these will happen. Monday has always been the worst for me. The anxiety first thing and then if bad that generally feeling of black. I have been feeling anxious and tetchy lately. Not wanting to engage with anyone, that kinda thing that always points towards warning signs with regards to depression. Compared to what I was, however, it isn't nearly as bad but anytime I get even so much as hint of what was I get ... apprehensive, nervous. The fear of returning to what I was when bad is all too real. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Everything I need to get done has been done so now I'm going to take it easy on myself. Tea, reading stuff to mentally soothe me. Basically trying to go against the grain and be nice to myself. I'm getting better at it.</span><br />
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<br />Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-630860738905144552018-01-08T09:21:00.004-08:002018-01-08T09:21:48.859-08:00A New Year and new blank space?<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This video has made me happy and given me many smiles from 2017 into 2018 :) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-53653237093785106922017-12-11T08:48:00.002-08:002017-12-11T08:48:18.221-08:00Weekly Blue<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On Friday I had an interview. The interview required a long drive to a new place and area. So in the days leading up to it, waking up of a morning and going to bed of an evening meant my anxious self was present. That low feeling was creeping in too meaning bed time was a bit of a low time. Thankfully my sleeping wasn't affected too much, not like it used to be in the dark days of the deep black. It did make me wonder though. Not if it was returning but if the high anxiety happens too often and for too long would that be storing up depression credit to be spent later on down the line of my life?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the plus side I did manage to get up and out of bed and get to travel up to a new area and try it whilst it snowed quite heavily as well. I found the area, did the task and drove back. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All in all a successful day and one that, years ago, would have been a struggle. And had I failed it the following days would have been a bigger struggle, due to me duffing myself up with my usual, you failed it all again. As is/was usual with me. I have progressed and being nervous of new stuff is always going to happen. But when I complete it I feel so much better, so much more like I've grown a slightly thicker skin that can withstand similar in future. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is what I need to remember. Otherwise I find myself slipping back to the old ways. And that would not be good.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-69395336844004767952017-11-09T09:17:00.003-08:002017-11-09T09:17:43.829-08:00The time disappeared like sand from his hands<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">These last few days have been hazy. Each day at work I have lost track of the time and sometimes what I'm doing, hitting auto-pilot mostly throughout. I've cancelled most, if not all, of my coaching whether voluntary or paid. I just can't focus on anything right now. I feel displaced, numb. And not comfortably either. Learning from my experience when in the midst of my second great depression, the black, I have tried not to fight it because that only leads to more of the same and increased feelings of self loathing. I have felt that all too familiar feeling of tiredness and deep emptiness with it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have managed to keep active but it has been a struggle. So I kept it light where possible. Even today my run I just, well, ran. I didn't focus on any speed needs or how many miles I did or didn't do. I just ran in the autumn air and it felt good. Nice even. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The weather has matched my mood and so I have matched my music as a result. Alice in Chains, Nine Inch Nails and Pink Floyd with some Manic Street Preachers alongside. It all matches and feels right. I don't force good time music if I'm not feeling it. It feels false and rarely, if ever, works. So for now, this is me. Circumstantial black That will recede to grey, that I know but I'm not keen to escape it as it reminds me of doggy and his not being here. If I recover it feels like I will forget. Daft, I know, but there you are. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Time will see me through whether I want it to or not.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-79962231866815119232017-11-06T05:13:00.001-08:002017-11-06T05:13:05.593-08:00A very cold blue<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is a feeling I have long recognized but this time around it is a feeling that has come around due to circumstantial events rather than internal biological ones. That empty cold sickness deep in my gut. That hollow chilly fear. This time it's due to the passing of the family doggy. Seeing the way he broke done over the course of a week, his sight going, his movement too and the way he whined and cried through it oh it was horrible. And it hurt so to not being able to do anything to help him. He passed, thankfully for him, not long after these events. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was a stressful last few days. Doggies bring so much into your life but when they go the emptiness and the missing is acute, so very acute. The tail wagging and the licks when you come back home, the hugs and the pats, the nibbles of the ear when you get close to them and the slobbery kisses from them too missing them muchly now and I will even more so as the days go on. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This month seems a lot colder right now.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-52681274183558700302017-11-02T08:06:00.001-07:002017-11-02T08:06:30.653-07:00I looked up and breathed deeply<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have been mostly stable, so far which for me is good considering the time of season and year. As the dark nights descend and my sleep pattern and body clock are disrupted a bit I tend to experience a bit of a dip. But so far nothing quite so severe. I can recall one bad day feeling quite bad but it hasn't been consistent at all. Today has been a low point but due to the family doggy going down ill and rapidly breaking down. After a visit to the Vet they checked him over but said there wasn't anything outstandingly wrong with him but possibly old age could be the problem, And now he is a lot worse, the way he walks, moves, looks at you. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I suspect he may leave us soon. It will be a hard couple of days ahead.</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-74258373772212507792017-07-31T06:12:00.002-07:002017-07-31T06:12:20.619-07:00I knew it was there despite pretending it wasn't.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Today is a storm cloud coloured kind of day. Not quite grey but not quite black enough to be a bad day but enough of a disruptor to make me feel tried and down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I felt the usual fear Sunday night and by the morning I awoke before the alarm feeling jittery. It is always the morning with me. It is almost as if all the fears that had been slumbering fairly peacefully rouse on a Monday morning just to open up and spew forth. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A few years ago it would have kept me in bed. These days I can just about fend them off with my usual mental 'shssh'. It is the only simple thing that keeps them and me in check.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I knew things weren't great when I felt more tired than usual despite having a relaxed non sporty weekend. It brought to mind that empty batteries running down feeling that I had at my worst a few years back. That feeling I fear returning to. That feeling that is replicated whenever I have a virus and I immediately wonder, is it coming back? Is it a visit or something more... long term?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When it is like that, like today it is harder to ignore and pretend it isn't there. some days I have done that, I try not to but sometimes I can't help it. I try not to be defined by this but that is difficult when it has had such an effect over my life. Fears of the future, what may or may not be are creeping in a lot at the moment bu then maybe that it is to do with my age more than anything? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that no matter how often I tell myself it I don't think I will ever get used to being this way until my, hopefully, natural end.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At work this morning it was a Tool kind of music day. Their music really chimed with me again, fitting in with my mood. If it rains, so much the better.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-19306136447665198772017-07-12T08:28:00.000-07:002017-07-12T08:28:03.833-07:00I can't find my batteriesToday was a day of trying to keep to the, be kind to self, day. After a health scare yesterday today I took it upon myself, albeit grudgingly at first, to just lay off my usual routine if it means I can get back to it with more vigor and energy tomorrow. Admittedly, tomorrow never comes but today I strove to make sure that it will. With my main work was out of the way so nuts to it. rest, tea and toast and, yes damn it, if required biscuit dunking too. I just felt too drained today, power levels in the red. I'm not sure if it due to the last couple of days or if it a dose of....it. I was supposed to do more things today and I was also due out for sporty times tonight but I could not face it. And not because of the usual either. I felt run down upon waking. Never a good sign and generally sets the tone for the rest of the day. There are times when I can bat those concerns away, take stock as the day unfolds but not today.<br />
Today I had no resupply of batteries. Only old ones still on re-charge.<br />
Days like this are a reminder of what I fear. That this will be always. It's a tap on the shoulder from inside, from it, telling me, 'Get used to it. This is you now. Until the end.'<br />
Time for more of The Boss.<br />
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<br />Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-63090895193718571112017-06-26T07:53:00.001-07:002017-06-26T07:57:08.544-07:00He huffed and puffed but could not make it go in. Upon looking, he realised he was trying to put his square peg into a circular hole.<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Currently I am reading Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy and it is chiming muchly with me. It is a book I have to take my time with and doesn't read quickly but I am enjoying the language and slowness of it. Mostly because Jude's tale is matching my own lot right now. Particularly his attempt to better himself and move to the city of his dreams where he thinks all will be better for him and he will be a man transformed. I am in the third section at the moment and his dream has currently ended leaving him feeling, melancholy mad. (A phrase which I read and knew I had to put into my blog as a new title). Which is where I am after some news today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We have, or I have, been here before. Last year, late September. There is a video link there for a perfectly sums up my experience then and now by Stewart Lee regarding not dreaming, not getting what you want. Aside from that and going for a few hill sprints there isn't anything I can to do to get over this feeling. It feels a little bit like having burnt my tongue. Nothing will bring those taste buds back to life but time. But even then I think this feeling will linger some. I had too much hope. Before I had breezed through the process but this time before I had even started my nerves kicked in, expectation was high. All that anxiety brought on by... well, me. As per usual. And, although I tried, I could not escape it or settle down before I had started. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I saw the email this morning with those all too familiar, <i>you have not been successful at this time</i>, words I wasn't surprised. I had failed. To use a running metaphor, I hadn't even made it beyond the qualifying race to the big event itself. Pathetic. The only upside is that, although I am hammering myself mentally and physically, I am resisting the big time sink into the ground option that would have been my go to when really in the deep black. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My experiences have taught me to know the difference between the two and I suppose that is something. Once, or when I eventually get over this, I am sure I will appreciate that more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-63207045879479314112017-05-30T02:41:00.003-07:002017-05-30T02:41:53.271-07:00I took a step outside but the wind forced me back. I did not resist.<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sad times. Chris Cornell, gone and the news of a former colleague also gone has left me wobbly. That and an illness working in sync made for a difficult week. Thankfully there was a bank holiday to rest in and the usual self care activities, or non in some cases, saw me at least relax somewhat.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now, although I was resigned to this a couple of years back, that me having this illness will be a constant, the thought of it and when it actually hits me and the subsequent after-effects of it are still no easier to deal with. It makes me think about relationships, again and whether or not I can even be in one long term. It makes me think about my career prospects and employment future and whether or not, as my hours increase, my employer will be sympathetic to mental illness. So many questions, thoughts and fears. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Of course, if my book took off then that would probably answer those questions as I would be my employer. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Hmm, considering my issues with myself in the past that might not be a good thing.</span><br />
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<br />Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-91939514836928923702017-04-03T06:25:00.002-07:002017-04-03T06:25:19.718-07:00Thank you for the music again<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I' m going to go back some now, back to when I was at my most end it all a few years back. When I had fell on black days. Or black day. That day is detailed somewhat in a post from around late Feb 2014. The below is something that details what kept me safe and I submitted it to The Mighty. It wasn't used but hey-ho. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Here it is for all two of you to read :)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The day had started off well enough and with good intentions
but by the end of it I was struggling to stay safe. I was out of bed early as I’d
had plans for a long day. Starting with breakfast it was then going to be out
to the gym and then lectures. It had started off well with the getting up early
but ended there. This much became clear as I ate my way through breakfast and
found that I was worn and tired despite the sleep that I had had. I kept
looking at the clock putting off leaving, knowing that a workout was going to be
beyond me. In fact, I was starting to realise everything that day would be
beyond me that day. As I did so anxiety began to rouse itself and I realised
that I wasn’t going anywhere. When I realised that I would have to let my
Tutors know the anxiety began to bubble up. It quickly let me know what a let
down I was being and got me wondering what would they all think of me, would it
mean the end of my course because of me letting people down, what would I say
to them when I eventfully saw them again? on and on it went. It was the only
time I didn’t feel tired, the anxiety pushing through the listlessness to
torment me. So, back to bed I went feeling empty and a complete let down.
Anxiety and depression would be my only bedfellows that day and that always
meant I would in a dangerous state. Dangerous to myself because when inhabiting
this mentality I feel trapped with no visible escape. It consumes me,
convincing me that it will always be this way, stuck in bed, useless to myself,
useless to anyone and shouldn’t I really just…. Well, you get the point.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Text sent, phone off and me in bed, eating little and drifting
in and out of an uncomfortable slumber feeling unable to even stare at the tv I
felt that bad. So I did what I could only do and had done before when feeling
internally destructive and worn. Put on my earphones and plugged in to music.
Music has been the soundtrack to my life and it’s subsequent activities. It has
helped me sleep, it has helped me exercise and, around that time, it had
soothed when I was feeling horrible. When the noise of everyday life and my
mental conditions get the better of me music keeps helps shut it out, whether
it be the joyous melodies of the Dropkick Murphys and Abba or the loud abrasive
growls of Amon Amarth and/or the atmospheric soundtracks of Nine Inch Nails.
One album though reached out to me that day. The Manic Street Preachers, This
is my Truth Tell Me Yours, was an album that I felt connected to. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had really gotten
into it (by really gotten into it I mean listening to it everyday and feeling
kinda empty if I didn’t) about a year earlier and as I did each song would open
itself up to me and I would feel directly plugged into its mood and meaning. The
lyrics seemed to grasp what it meant to have depression, taking medication and
well, my current mood and mental illness in general. Songs about the black dog,
lyrics mentioning not working as a person, drifting away, feeling tender and tired
it was the only soundtrack for me that day as I tried desperately to keep
suicidal thoughts from overtaking and overwhelming me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As I kept the album on
rotation that day it worked. It kept me distracted and made me feel as though I
had a comforting partner who got exactly what I was going through. It was
enough to keep me safe. Not long after that I was back at the Doctors but for
that time, that day that I was in a deep depressive funk that music was like
cool glass of water to a dried out sponge. It was an aural comfort blanket that
kept me calm and safe and I’ll always be thankfully to the band for that even
though they will never know.</span></div>
Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3729327767015540904.post-83843906880572073482017-02-23T07:16:00.000-08:002017-02-23T07:18:35.981-08:00Routine drain<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A new year and one filled with some expectation. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Last year, although a bad year with regards to certain world events, was good for me. I volunteered for a couple of events, played a new sport, ran my first half marathon and secured a new part time job as well as some coaching too. So with this in mind 2017 has given me the opportunity to achieve more. At the moment though I am trying not to slip into that old familiar black, which, perhaps because of the time of year is threatening again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now I go to work early in the morning in the hope of coming back to do things, be a bit productive. What usually happens is that I feel a bit pooped, have a nap and then wake up a bit out of it and minus a good chunk of motivation. It is usually because I don't know what to actually do with my time and when I do I feel too drained to actually do it. I suppose on the plus side I can get out to exercise unless I feel really bad. So that is something. A plus amongts the minuses.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This year feels like it could be a decider. I'm getting older and if I don't want this illness to either define me or, ultimately, be the end of me I need to get certain things moving and progressing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Even if it is just a small step on that road.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Just gotta stay positive.....</span>Fell on Black Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08449410687530727674noreply@blogger.com0