This will never end will it? On and on until either I give in or, what?
My crying isn't limited to day to day now.
I now do it or am on the verge of it in my dreams tool.
I should be so happy but feel so sad.
This sadness will last forever
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Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Friday, 19 July 2013
With the Floyd on and a sad thought this came out...
You break me when you're with me, but I'm lost when you leave
Up and down round and around you spin me my sunshine you thieve
Up and down round and around you spin me my sunshine you thieve
The ghost of whatshername....
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face but I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how whatsername has been
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
I must confess
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
From so long ago
(Go, Go, Go, Go..)
And in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I'll never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face but I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how whatsername has been
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
I must confess
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
From so long ago
(Go, Go, Go, Go..)
And in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I'll never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time
Another linky link and a brief brief
Someone else's battles with it here: http://sunnyspellsandscatteredshowers.blogspot.ie/
Tis damned hot and I'm listening a lot to Green Day and old school punk.
Tis damned hot and I'm listening a lot to Green Day and old school punk.
Sunday, 7 July 2013
Dreamsville
I had a dream about her again. They are becoming a bit more frequent at the moment.
This one was a bit different from the others I've mentioned. Again , we were together, or back together but later on she became a memory. During this the ability to create a hologram of her from my memories and then project itself in front of me; I could hold her, see her smile talk but not hear any sounds. The longer time when without her the image became more a guess on the part of the machine using my memories to fill in the missing bits and pieces.
It's left me wanting to get in touch with her. To tell her that I do miss her greatly and would love to hold her.
but I know this wouldn't achieve much, aside from make me feel a little better.
Would I get the same answer? Would I get any answer?
The image never matches does it?
If I wasn't so weary my writing and explanation would probably be a lot better and maybe, garner me a lot more views and readers.
Meh.
This one was a bit different from the others I've mentioned. Again , we were together, or back together but later on she became a memory. During this the ability to create a hologram of her from my memories and then project itself in front of me; I could hold her, see her smile talk but not hear any sounds. The longer time when without her the image became more a guess on the part of the machine using my memories to fill in the missing bits and pieces.
It's left me wanting to get in touch with her. To tell her that I do miss her greatly and would love to hold her.
but I know this wouldn't achieve much, aside from make me feel a little better.
Would I get the same answer? Would I get any answer?
The image never matches does it?
If I wasn't so weary my writing and explanation would probably be a lot better and maybe, garner me a lot more views and readers.
Meh.
Saturday, 6 July 2013
Decree A
Marriage.
A wonderful thing that can sometimes quickly descend into complete and under awfulness.
Divorce.
As well as this damned black to deal with I also had the above to try and handle too.
This website RIGHT HERE is a good site with info' and support regarding the whole messy thing.
I hope you don't have to visit it.
A wonderful thing that can sometimes quickly descend into complete and under awfulness.
Divorce.
As well as this damned black to deal with I also had the above to try and handle too.
This website RIGHT HERE is a good site with info' and support regarding the whole messy thing.
I hope you don't have to visit it.
Thursday, 4 July 2013
The River
...now as memories come back to haunt me,
they haunt me like a curse
is a dream a lie if it don't come true
or is it something worse?
Thanks to The Boss for those words that sum up my dream about her this morning very nicely indeed.
Me and her, back together, in a little basement flat, happy, together.
Yeh.
they haunt me like a curse
is a dream a lie if it don't come true
or is it something worse?
Thanks to The Boss for those words that sum up my dream about her this morning very nicely indeed.
Me and her, back together, in a little basement flat, happy, together.
Yeh.
This was my last resort
A reminder for me from that Sunday...
“Cut my life into pieces I’ve reached my last resort,
Suffocation, no breathing, Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding,
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong, would it be right? f I took my life tonight"
One more time around, might make it...
This album is a me reminder and bring it back memory of the mid-nineties and, when it awoke once more, my depression back in '01/02.
This song though is for me in general at the moment.
This song though is for me in general at the moment.
Until it sleeps...
"My head's fucked up and I'm in a mess,
too many drugs make me high,
I wanna cause havoc, I wanna die!"
Words from The League which at the moment ring very true for me.
Since coming off one lot of anti-d's and going on another, walking and thinking has become a task on its own. My temper over the weekend and Monday was like The Hulk with a hangover who's just discovered he's out of painkillers.
Cd's were flung, things tossed about the place; anything that I bumped into suffered my rage. This all culminated in a big SH on Sunday which left my thigh looking like the death of a hundred cuts. The odd thing is, though, at the end of it when I felt like my inner rage had been calmed I realized that the chances of me doing it again would be nigh on nil. have since binned my blade. Looking at the mix of slight, deep, long and small slits on my thigh I also finally understood that this wasn't how people deal with 'stuff'. something which I have never really concluded before in all the years that I have SH'd.
So, next day, after feeling dizzy as and not in the highest of spirits, off to Hospital I went just like I did back last Oct.
In I went Monday morning and the first conversation I had before mentioning 'it' regarded the confectionery machine. I thought the nurse wanted water so I offered her some of mine. 'Not that rubbish,' she said -odd for a nurse?- she wanted choccy. 'Ok,' I smiled and then told her that I wanted to kill myself.
Quite an odd way to start my hospital admission day no?
You would think that having admitted to wanting to so something like that to oneself there would be a sense of urgency to proceedings. Which there were.
Nearly fours hours later I saw the clinic psychiatrist. In total, I was there for nearly six hours, an hour of which was with said Psych'.
I think the idea is to bore you out of suicidal feelings.
On the plus side, I did get to spend it away from people in a separate room with three pictures of a sunny beach and I did get a sarnie and a tea.
On the down side, waaaaiiitttiiinnngggg and then a sluggish response from the crisis team.
Again.
Last Oct when I'd actually tried to top myself the response was a bit faster but only say, compared to a snail moving on a slight incline as opposed to a flat surface.
So, saw the crisis team the next day and that was ok, a good chat and an agreement that they'd look into other ways to try and sort my big flare ups and send my Doctor either group therapies to attend and/or other therapies available in the area.
We shall see though. They said they'd call next day and so far, nowt.
The new meds haven't really kicked in but from what little difference there is, I'm more sleepy -getting up is like getting up on a Monday when thinking it was a Friday- and my head and thought sin general ,when not in a rage, are kinda, soft. That's all I can write really.
I seem more emotional than usual too, certain Boss songs do it as does me crying over MSP's guitar solo break in, 'Motorcycle Emptiness'. It is a beautiful bit though.
Doesn't really tell you the full story but right now I can't. It is very difficult to put into words, the feeling, the dreams, everything. Something is a bit different though but what, I just don't know. At least, not yet.
One more thing that I have realized too is that keeping, 'King of Queens' and 'Frasier' on whilst I am in a sleepy med' induced slumber makes for more view-able and more interesting plot lines and interesting dreams too.
I do sort of recall art of my dream from last night. something about seeing Bristol city in a field sort of stadium like venue and wanting a cider and opting for some sort of Pear cider. This, of course, led me to buy some today. It's more about the partial visuals and the feelings from the dreams and its aftermath more than the dream itself though. Hmmm.
"Black hole, won't you come and wash away the rain, Black hole sun, won't you come......"
too many drugs make me high,
I wanna cause havoc, I wanna die!"
Words from The League which at the moment ring very true for me.
Since coming off one lot of anti-d's and going on another, walking and thinking has become a task on its own. My temper over the weekend and Monday was like The Hulk with a hangover who's just discovered he's out of painkillers.
Cd's were flung, things tossed about the place; anything that I bumped into suffered my rage. This all culminated in a big SH on Sunday which left my thigh looking like the death of a hundred cuts. The odd thing is, though, at the end of it when I felt like my inner rage had been calmed I realized that the chances of me doing it again would be nigh on nil. have since binned my blade. Looking at the mix of slight, deep, long and small slits on my thigh I also finally understood that this wasn't how people deal with 'stuff'. something which I have never really concluded before in all the years that I have SH'd.
So, next day, after feeling dizzy as and not in the highest of spirits, off to Hospital I went just like I did back last Oct.
In I went Monday morning and the first conversation I had before mentioning 'it' regarded the confectionery machine. I thought the nurse wanted water so I offered her some of mine. 'Not that rubbish,' she said -odd for a nurse?- she wanted choccy. 'Ok,' I smiled and then told her that I wanted to kill myself.
Quite an odd way to start my hospital admission day no?
You would think that having admitted to wanting to so something like that to oneself there would be a sense of urgency to proceedings. Which there were.
Nearly fours hours later I saw the clinic psychiatrist. In total, I was there for nearly six hours, an hour of which was with said Psych'.
I think the idea is to bore you out of suicidal feelings.
On the plus side, I did get to spend it away from people in a separate room with three pictures of a sunny beach and I did get a sarnie and a tea.
On the down side, waaaaiiitttiiinnngggg and then a sluggish response from the crisis team.
Again.
Last Oct when I'd actually tried to top myself the response was a bit faster but only say, compared to a snail moving on a slight incline as opposed to a flat surface.
So, saw the crisis team the next day and that was ok, a good chat and an agreement that they'd look into other ways to try and sort my big flare ups and send my Doctor either group therapies to attend and/or other therapies available in the area.
We shall see though. They said they'd call next day and so far, nowt.
The new meds haven't really kicked in but from what little difference there is, I'm more sleepy -getting up is like getting up on a Monday when thinking it was a Friday- and my head and thought sin general ,when not in a rage, are kinda, soft. That's all I can write really.
I seem more emotional than usual too, certain Boss songs do it as does me crying over MSP's guitar solo break in, 'Motorcycle Emptiness'. It is a beautiful bit though.
Doesn't really tell you the full story but right now I can't. It is very difficult to put into words, the feeling, the dreams, everything. Something is a bit different though but what, I just don't know. At least, not yet.
One more thing that I have realized too is that keeping, 'King of Queens' and 'Frasier' on whilst I am in a sleepy med' induced slumber makes for more view-able and more interesting plot lines and interesting dreams too.
I do sort of recall art of my dream from last night. something about seeing Bristol city in a field sort of stadium like venue and wanting a cider and opting for some sort of Pear cider. This, of course, led me to buy some today. It's more about the partial visuals and the feelings from the dreams and its aftermath more than the dream itself though. Hmmm.
"Black hole, won't you come and wash away the rain, Black hole sun, won't you come......"
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