I wonder what you're doing now...

I had a dream about her the other night and in the dream, life was as it was, me and her living together, getting on. The big change being we'd got back together. All very nice in my dream state but reality wise, a no-go especially from me. 
Irregardless of that, I do think about her and sometimes, I do miss her greatly.
I miss those moments of sharing; what I've done in my day, the good days and the bad, the moments of frustration at traffic-wardens (Especially today!), other drivers, the journey home, the excitement at my forthcoming course and what it may bring and what it could could mean in the future. My acting classes and how she started the ball rolling with regards to even acting in the first place. 
Now? Well now there's no-one there. Just a sense of wanting to start a sentence with a slight build up of whatever to spill out and then, a sigh of, oh yeh.
It feels like it's only now, over a year later that the divorce is finally sinking in. All that has gone before and during seem to have obscured it somewhat but now, now it feels like, she's gone. Bugger.
I miss her. 
Time will see me pull away from past memories of her, I know but a lingering sense of loss will always hang around me like faint stain you can never rid yourself off from a white shirt. There are 'her' reminders all the time, small, big and minor. Some still that are triggered from something small that quickly roll towards something else 'her' related.
Out shopping, I scan the sweet breads for something on a Saturday morning. 
Waffles? Croissants? I could... no. I can't now. It's a 4 pack. With 'her' easy but now, pointless. I won't be able to get through them on my own and anyway, it'll be too, me and her times past. Coffee? Ground, perhaps some cream? No. That was something I'd have with her, me with my coffee her with her fruit teas, me being the brew master, making both for a relaxed Saturday with maybe some TV catch up or some movie time, hoping that it'll rain so we can stay indoors, cuddle up and not feel a strange sense of guilt for staying in it it isn't.
So many memories that are now so redundant.

Perform a U turn when possible

It's something I have mentioned innumerable times (well I could probably count them but I don't want to), and ti's what drives this here blog. Sadness. Blues. Black. Black dog, whatever you call it or want to call it at the moment, for me, it is near all pervasive.
At the moment I have a real yearning, a very strong one at that, for my wife. I'm watching AC Milan play and all the thoughts about the honeymoon to Italy have come back. Heck, we even went to the San Siro stadium together. She was always gracious in that regard, doing things she might not necessarily want or like to do. 
The biggest one is the memory and image of her. Her absence didn't trigger this current black but it sure has prolonged and compacted it. At the present time this stretch has now hit over twenty months. The longest one prior to that was ten months. Even with meds it's not looking like it's going to go anytime soon. But I digress...
Thinking about her and missing her is difficult to digest at the moment. This could be because I'm having an off day. I woke up late, feeling very tired and sluggish despite the over-sleeping and I still feel it now. This knocked my plans to run of course and now I'm getting uptight about thinking and feeling like a fat git. Experience tells me what I think and what I am are very different but still, mental problem(s) remain.I may know that I'm not but I still feel it. To paraphrase and well known saying, when ignorance is mutual hormones are king.
The feelings towards the x tend to stick around for a while and then dissipate but then do leave a residual smear that can last a long time. Apart from writing this, there isn't much I can do, not even looking at it with a rational eye so I let it hang around, occasionally gobbing off, reminding me of it presence. 
So then, last week I was numb. This week I'm numb, tired and yeh, still sad.
Back to Pink Floyd for me.

Uncomfortably Numb

Nothing really feels the same anymore.
I seem to have reached an odd apex of numbness.
I also seem to have this odd sensation of there being an inevitability about all of this.
At times I used to SI to feel, sometimes to alleviate certain feelings but now even that holds no sway over me.
Just before I mentioned trying to admit myself previously on here, the night before I SI quite extensively on myself, my thigh is still bearing the faded strawberry lines from it almost two months later. Afterwards, I realised that I wouldn't SI again. I'd reached the end. It no longer felt useful, not the best term but I can't think of anything else that fits.
When I wrote before about breaking, it was in front of my mother. 
What set it off? Tipping some veg from a pan onto my plate and it sat in a messy way which for some reason broke something inside of me like breadstick. Throwing a spatula, kicking the cloakroom door, smashing my fists into the stairs followed by much tears, while my mother tried to help me as best she could but getting teary herself, seeing her son in such a state and not being to help him. So down to the Dr's I went, as you may or may not have already read.
And now here I am. 

... but the pain lingers on

Don't make me angry...

Much has happened since the last big entry.

I, again, tried to get admitted, not such luck. In fact when I went to hospital and admitted to feelings of suicide I was placed in a room and left to wait. Six hours and I got to see the ward Psych for about an hour in that time. This led to more calls from the intense mental squad and another appointment with the Doc. During this time I had another big kick off where I just lost it and again, this led to another Doc’s appointment. This time with another Dr, an increase in my med dosage and some contact details for other ways to alleviate this black. 

I think in having another Dr, my main one is fine but has been the family one for years, again, also fine but I guess another point of view helped here. Now I have appointments waiting for me. The Incredible Hulk like period as I went from one lot of meds to another and that week of nothing was awful. I was dizzy, touchy and flew into a rage over anything no matter how small. At the moment all is calm. The higher dose of meds seem to be calming me and keeping the black at bay. For the past month I’ve been busy, working an early doors cleaning job-awful, rubbish supervisor and a work force that rarely showed up, and my other apart time work which I got back to after three months away.

I have also, I think, after much to-ing and fro-ing of correspondence, been accepted onto a degree foundation course in football coaching. Huzzah to that and a half time orange for all of us!

So, right now, things are ok. Being busy has kept it away, in the background. I fear its return but not all the time. 

Oh, and I’m now 40.