New MSP!

And it's signed too :)

The Dark Side of the Moon

Like most kids I was scared by the dark. I was scared by its potential to hide things away only for them to jump on me and attack me as soon as the lights went out. 
Now, as an adult, I find the dark comforting. It's a place I can hide away in when the lights go out. In the dark I feel safe, covered, hidden in the shadows away from everyone and sometimes even away from myself. When I'm having one of those days of black I have to shut everything away, the shutters come down, literally and figuratively and the light goes out. It could be blazing sun outside, warm with beautiful blue skies but inside it's dark, shady with only music for company and the light hue of my laptop the only illumination.

'Go to sleep, everything is alright'

When I get to bed too that provides me with some respite. I'll either plug in to some tunes or leave the TV on, because although I want to be enshrouded in darkness I sometimes get overwhelmed by loneliness so having the TV on can sometimes give me some audio company.
Whether it's day or night when I'm having a day like today the dark is my friend.
How things change when you reach adulthood. From scary to comforting. Conversely, when I think of even attempting to get into that great comfort of relationships, I get scared.
What was comforting is now so scary.

Everything will be ok once I turn the lights out.

You visit me in my sleep

"I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me"

In Dreams

Another Thursday and another night/morning of dreams about her. I awoke much as I did last week, in a state of tiredness and feeling down and worn. I can’t recall the dreams but I do remember them being mostly about her and her departing from me. At times she was in the dream but mostly she wasn’t and it was me trying to comprehend what was happening or what was about to happen to me. Even thinking about it now the feelings I had are coming alive, like the scent of coffee once you open its bag, strong and permeating. 

At the time the whole divorce situation did not really sink in, not for a long time. The sense of unreality stayed with me for a long time and has only now, until I have these dreams of course, really dissipated. Despite it all, however, some days I really do miss her. I miss being with her. The face she’d make when she’d try and grab a cheeky snack from behind the cupboard door, waking up wit her and grabbing a hug, the kiss she’d give me before she left for work of a morning. And damn it all, I just miss her presence and her calming influence.

Still hurts.

Today that is all being tempered by the bitter and icy cold reality that she wanted to divorce me. I think it has taken my subconscious a long time to really work out what has happened, the near suddenness of it all. From what I can remember in the dream, I was driving around with her, then I was in a house alone and feeling so very sad, knowing that she wanted away from me. Even in dreams, in wonderful beautiful dreams I'm separated from her.

Why? Why did she want away from me? Why did she hurt me like that? The girl who said sh'd love me and be with me forever and who wasn't going anywhere when I opened up to her about my deep darkest fears and of my depression returning?