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Much has happened since my last proper entry. I’ve gained a
year, I’ve got myself some part time work and I had a good spell of non-blackness.
This past week or so however, it has returned and I find myself in a little
slump. Robin Williams passing has brought it into sharper focus as well, as is usual whenever I hear about a suicide.
It always
starts off innocently enough, a missing day of the gym here or there, over
tiredness later sleeping hours which lead to over sleeping into the day. This
then starts to stretch into days and then weeks and I find it harder to get up,
to get out and do anything.
It has also come at an awkward time; it always
does, as I’m due to go away over the weekend. I’m nervous as I know what I’m
like when it comes to events like these and I’m at a low point. Anxiety goes up
and my will to do anything sinks. I want to go but leaving the comfort of my
bed and my little space, again, is a daunting one.
It’s a battle once again. I was almost getting used to not
being this way over the past couple of months and actually thought I might be
able to decrease my meds. Fat chance of that now. Over 2 and a half years of
this. Will it ever improve? Will I ever improve?
I recently completed CBT therapy one on one and it went well
and I left it with some tools to use. Now’s the time to use them, I guess.
It doesn’t help that this morning I had a nice dream about
my x-wife. In it she was loving and, well, nice. I cant recall if it was a get back
together or not. I do know that I woke myself up from it, almost as if my subconscious
wanted me to end it so I wouldn’t have to deal with the bittersweet after effects
once I woke up. It did serve, however, to remind me how much I miss her. She
could have such a calming effect on me if I had to do something that got me a little bit worked up. She was also someone I
could look forward to seeing on my return.
Obviously, not anymore.
Still, that was her choice
and it’s something I must remind myself, regardless of the nice dreams. It was
her choice to leave when I was at my worst.
Hers.
