Every so often I have little moments of clarity. Despite me still missing my former I think now I am starting to see those missing moments for what they really are. Me missing the times and feelings garnered from those times spent together. I now longer have a partner to share good times with or do things with. Previously if I felt a bit down it wouldn't take long for that black wave to cover me. One thought would come and soon bring along a few more thoughts with it and so on until that was me ruined mood wise. Now I am starting to find little barriers against them. They are only small but that are something whereas before I had nothing. Earlier when I had that empty feeling in which space she used to live I started to try and think back to how she left me. The fact that, despite making a thing of the marriage vow about in sickness and in health, she me left when things got rough. She left me to my parents when at my worst. I need to remind myself and ask myself how can I seriously keep loving thoughts and feelings about someone who did that to me? Now, of course, I know the answer to that but previously it hasn't been that simple, what with those feelings, memories and the such like getting in the way of any clear thinking.
Granted, it isn't much and those empty feelings will still linger after football tomorrow but after the last few years it is progress, no matter how small.
This was the wonderful song I heard that first made me feel a little sad today. By the same token I also find it wonderfully calming too.
It is a wonderful song about a wonderful painter.
Enjoy.
Sometimes I wonder if she has or is going through similar to me. As the initiator of the divorce I tend to presume that she isn't but after our history together I do wonder.
In fact, I started wondering after listening to the Hole song that the title inspired.
Is she going through all the missing and yearnings? The going over the perceived mistakes that could have led on to the split? Does she have the same sadness and emptiness that I get when driving past a place we used to travel through or to when we were together? The songs we both liked, do they instill instant sadness as my memory or the memory of our once good times together come to the front of her mind?
Does she have the dreams of us still together before she wakes up and realises that isn't her reality anymore? And if she does do they make her sad and want to return to what we had?
Or was the divorce enough to completely kill of all her feelings about me and us? Or is she fooling herself in trying to keep those feelings from even surfacing at all? Hoping that they'll stay buried and that the next relationship she has will keep them buried deep?
Does she ache at all? Whatever the answer I get no joy from it. I just wonder if she is the same girl that I loved or if her decision to leave me at my worst has changed her. It has certainly changed me.
Posts
