That's it. That is, was my last half of Mirtazapine that I took Monday night. Over 3 and half years of meds from Citalapram, Escitalapram before finally settling on the Mirtz. I could tell the meds were practically out of my system as just taking that half left me feeling very lethargic the following morning. I wanted to be clear of them by the time I left for the US and so far so good. I have had the odd moments of anxiety in the morning but generally the side effects haven't been too harsh at all as I've come off them these past few months. Now, however, I'm worrying like my old self as I try and think ahead and think what I need to do with regards to my summer holiday job that I'm leaving for this week. Anxiety has always been a problem with me and more so whenever some sort of change enters my life. Like I've mentioned before I never seem to be able to enjoy experiences I always see them as obstacles to be overcome, especially with this anxiety that fuels everything. I don't know how to smooth it, even with all this experience of dealing with it behind me. I just tend to worry worry worry and then do it. I need to find another way, especially when it comes to calming myself down. That I have yet to really find. I'm hoping more experience will help and do what it sometimes does and desensitize me to future worries and anxieties. Time will tell. Again. But for now, I have a trip to get ready for. "Brace yourself, cos this goes deep I'll show you the secrets, the sky and the birds Actions speak louder than words Stand by me my apprentice Be brave, clench fists...."
It's getting nearer. The summer holiday job move to the US. All things going well, as in funds being available, I should be off next week. The nerves have been there, mostly every-time I awaken. For me this is normal and something I've lived with throughout my life so far when something big in my life is coming up. It may also explain the depression as I believe high anxiety types are prone to it. And really this brings me back to something I mentioned before. I've always seemed to see events coming my way as obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. Always. It's rare if I can still my nerves to the point of not being too bothered by it all. Very rare. I just can't seem to switch off from it. I'm always wired into it and it gets wearing. I don't know how else to approach things and mostly the only way I've learned to cope is to just do it like that books says, Feel the fear and do it anyway. Having the feelings though, sheesh, it sure makes it difficult because those feelings make most things seem like a threat a direct fight or flight situation which can lead to me er... flighting. These last few years have seen a lot of that but considering what I was going through I'm not going to get too excited by any of that. Battles will be won and lost but the war goes on. That was something I used to repeat to myself when I was first stating out in stand up and trying to get the will up to travel places. I still use it now but it makes me think, will the war ever end? I don't think it will. Not unless I can radically change, not only my thinking but my inner being too and after a life of this how can I? It just feels like putting plasters on numerous gaping wounds. On the plus side I have one half of my meds left to take and then that's it. For now. Picture time
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