Living in this skin has been troublesome

Just for once it'd be nice if I didn't tie everything that I try, whether sport or an audition, into and in with my entire self worth and entire being. But it seems that I can't quite help myself. And as such I left my casting today feeling bloody awful, ready to fling myself into that deep dark mental cell to self flagellate. 
I don't think it went well at all, the casting and I felt gash for it and could quite easily imagine the director and the rest ripping the piss out of me and my 'performance'. It seemed so simple too yet in that minute or two in those two chances I was given I might as well not have bothered. The pre-dump of adrenaline before hand that hit out of the blue didn't help. Usually I'm pretty calm about these things but today, just before going boom! Hello near panic! Seeing a pal from previous drama plays help take my mind off it at least. After that staring out of the window and munching on the complimentary biscuits prior to my spot that feeling started to creep in and by the time I had done it and was out the building it was in with The Boss in my ears and off to browse to take my mind off the crap feeling that was my anxiety, depression and to try and stop my rapidly diminishing self worth. Anything that requires me to take some pressure seems to now cost me. Walking back to the train station I considered, not for the first time but for the first time in a while, jumping into the river. 
Hello suicidal tendency. It's been a while.
If not for the girls in their summer clothes around Bristol I might have struggled even more. Still, it was a tasking battle and one I didn't used to get but it seems it is one I may have to get used to. Again.
A day day last Monday, Friday and now today. They are trickling in. 
As long as it is only a trickle I suppose.

I can't go back. I can't go through this again.

Diminishing Firefly in my belly

So far it has only been the odd day of grey, maybe once a week, maybe once or twice a fortnight. But sometimes I get those days of deepest night blue. Today is just such one of those days. 
Initially I had plans to go out for the day after work and enjoy a day out but as it got closer it became apparent that the excuses in my mind were starting to sound like the better option. No matter how hard I tried to bat them away they soon settled in.

There will be highlights on the TV
The tickets haven't arrived yet (They came eventually)
You'll save some money
It will be packed and full of people

Thin final remark was the one that really did it for me.
You see, years ago my anxiety with regards to crowds of people was always something of a going concern but I managed to get around it or just ignore it because it involved doing and going to something I really wanted to see. As in going to a concert or festival to see a band or bands. That was as a single person. After the divorce I think I had gotten used to being with someone when out and about so now going to a place full of people is a struggle. I have done it before but it takes a lot from me and within me to do it. Today wasn't one of those days where I managed to summon anything like close to that, however. 
Today has been a day of trying to settle enough to listen to music, sleep or just be without feeling like flying into a rage over stupid pointless insignificant things. The last time I felt like that was during a coming off of one meds to go onto another. 
So here I am again. 
Tired within, empty like an ice lolly that has had it's essence supped out leaving only colourless ice on a stick.
Days like these make me feel just plain bloody awful. Where anxiety meets depression things get.... troublesome. I struggle to do anything or even think anything other than my own wretched existence and when that happens suicide isn't that far from my thoughts.

This too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass