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Xmas is fast approaching. On the one hand it will be nice to chill out, more than usual, and on the other bad memories abound from previous. Not least five years ago and the taking hold of the second great depression. If it is a stable as last year I will be happy and if it isn't well, I always have a Victorian themed video game to get lost in. At the moment though, time of season or not, my days are falling into the above. Up, to work, back from work, nap, do bits of stuff maybe exercise, back to bed, up, work and so on and so on. If I can avoid stuff I will. Depending on the stuff. If I can avoid going out I will. My solitude is becoming an overwhelming presence both wanted and not wanted. Once I have finished work and I come home, depending on whether I have slept the night before, slipping back into bed is easy enough as I know I won't have much else on. That I don't mind as sometimes it helps keep my mind calm. Until I awaken and worry that I have wasted time. I really don't think I can give myself time off. It is either doing too much, doing the wrong thing or, as in this case, not doing enough. Enough of what though? And even if I was doing something would that be the right thing, the right thing to still my mind? Probably not. Having anxiety and depression is a horrible push me/pull you scenario and it is tiring. I have a drive but that drive is aimless and is more of a drain and hindrance than anything close to fueling or inspiring me.
Hopefully the New Year will be different.
We shall see.
