I knew it was there despite pretending it wasn't.

Today is a storm cloud coloured kind of day. Not quite grey but not quite black enough to be a bad day but enough of a disruptor to make me feel tried and down.
I felt the usual fear Sunday night and by the morning I awoke before the alarm feeling jittery. It is always the morning with me. It is almost as if all the fears that had been slumbering fairly peacefully rouse on a Monday morning just to open up and spew forth. 
A few years ago it would have kept me in bed. These days I can just about fend them off with my usual mental 'shssh'. It is the only simple thing that keeps them and me in check.
I knew things weren't great when I felt more tired than usual despite having a relaxed non sporty weekend. It brought to mind that empty batteries running down feeling that I had at my worst a few years back. That feeling I fear returning to. That feeling that is replicated whenever I have a virus and I immediately wonder, is it coming back? Is it a visit or something more... long term?
When it is like that, like today it is harder to ignore and pretend it isn't there. some days I have done that, I try not to but sometimes I can't help it. I try not to be defined by this but that is difficult when it has had such an effect over my life. Fears of the future, what may or may not be are creeping in a lot at the moment bu then maybe that it is to do with my age more than anything? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that no matter how often I tell myself it I don't think I will ever get used to being this way until my, hopefully, natural end.
At work this morning it was a Tool kind of music day. Their music really chimed with me again, fitting in with my mood. If it rains, so much the better.

I can't find my batteries

Today was a day of trying to keep to the, be kind to self, day. After a health scare yesterday today I took it upon myself, albeit grudgingly at first, to just lay off my usual routine if it means I can get back to it with more vigor and energy tomorrow. Admittedly, tomorrow never comes but today I strove to make sure that it will. With my main work was out of the way so nuts to it. rest, tea and toast and, yes damn it, if required biscuit dunking too. I just felt too drained today, power levels in the red. I'm not sure if it due to the last couple of days or if it a dose of....it. I was supposed to do more things today and I was also due out for sporty times tonight but I could not face it. And not because of the usual either. I felt run down upon waking. Never a good sign and generally sets the tone for the rest of the day. There are times when I can bat those concerns away, take stock as the day unfolds but not today.
Today I had no resupply of batteries. Only old ones still on re-charge.
Days like this are a reminder of what I fear. That this will be always. It's a tap on the shoulder from inside, from it, telling me, 'Get used to it. This is you now. Until the end.'
Time for more of The Boss.