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This last month or so has been to put it in a John Shuttleworth way, oooff.
Fears , worries, some tangible some not so tangible, present, past, future, all up there brewing away in that noggin of mine. It also culminated in a couple of weeks of intermittent insomnia which was tasking and a reminder of what I used to go through back in 2012. That dizzy, washed out feeling prevalent though the day. There was real reason why, aside from the above, as my head decided to cogitate on stuff for no apparent reason. It wasn't as if I had done anything to get excited about prior to bed either but along it came in a throwback to 2012, lovely stuff. Sheesh. Annoying because I was doing relatively ok up until then. I say relatively as Oct saw a wobble after a mental health first aid course and a planned trip to see a certain Canadian poet but I just couldn't do it. I hadn't slept and knew it would be a struggle. Especially after the course ion the same day which had brought up certain issues and memories for me. So I decided not to go. It made sense especially as I was in bed by the time it would have ended. It felt like the right adult self care decision to make. Even though I was disappointed in more ways than one.
I also, for some reason, had another nice dream about the ex. She was just resting on my lap and we chatted. It was...nice. Annoyingly so. All that aside it was...ok. I've had worse. But this no sleeping really knocked me back some and made me worry I was falling into...that black. But so far it's just that worry. It is hard to dispel though, that feeling of going back to it. I don't think I ever will lose it.
And if that all wasn't enough as another Xmas season approaches a former love is now with someone else. It had to happen, I know but still, oooff.
