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Am just about exiting, cogitating but hardly living.
When it comes to sleep my mind is playing the moody child and not
letting the rest of my body anyway leeway when it comes to rest, too active
going over everything that’s been and may come. My body is numb and tingly,
tired and wanting to rest but upstairs says no go. This leads me to being awake
till 6 or 7, trying hard to keep awake to snap the routine but with the dark
and cold mornings and the sudden onset of a tired body this is getting near
impossible. So I end up with patches of sleep leaving me out of it early
morning onwards, sometimes till about 5pm. Today was particularly bad as I
dreamt about her. A nice dream of sorts too but a dream within a dream where I
recognised the first one, me and her in a car just being close and then me in
my room breaking down. Again I woke
myself up with moans and sobs. Thoughts of her kept filtering through making my
guts twirl and tighten and my head spin. Oh dear, whatever am I gonna do? Money
is disappearing fast and I have only fears to keep me company. I’ve wondered
lately if I’m bipolar. This I broached to my Doctor who said it wasn’t what he
got from me, the way I act etc. What he did do was up my meds, so it’s now
40mgs of the next generation citalapram. The effects are a bit mad, dizziness,
twitchy muscles, insomnia, hypersomnia. The first week, nowt much aside from
odd sleeping patterns, nowt new there! But at the moment it’s not too bad, not
brilliant but not awful, a pinprick in the thick cloud of maudling from before.
The duvet still seems like my bomb, cereal killer, life proof shield that it
has seemed this year but I am slowly getting out, early morning gym visits
especially on a Sunday.
The only downside is that a girl I was seeing, another one who I shall
call M, and going out with since July has decided to end it with me. This was a
blow as I liked her a fair old bit and despite my outpourings of fondness for
her she wants away. It shouldn’t have been a surprise really, I mean, look at
what my former did and we were married! Still, maybe that’s being unfair. M was
previously married and perhaps didn’t want to be tied down and panicked at my
closeness. Still, it hurt as I really liked her. Plus sides, the divorce is now
through and so is my new name. Small things but compared to before it’s something
small or not. So it truly is over and now I have to try and pick up the ground
up pieces of my life and assemble it back together. Or maybe assemble something
new back together? Something that’s still me but new, if that makes sense?
