Who knew?

Am just about exiting, cogitating but hardly living.

When it comes to sleep my mind is playing the moody child and not letting the rest of my body anyway leeway when it comes to rest, too active going over everything that’s been and may come. My body is numb and tingly, tired and wanting to rest but upstairs says no go. This leads me to being awake till 6 or 7, trying hard to keep awake to snap the routine but with the dark and cold mornings and the sudden onset of a tired body this is getting near impossible. So I end up with patches of sleep leaving me out of it early morning onwards, sometimes till about 5pm. Today was particularly bad as I dreamt about her. A nice dream of sorts too but a dream within a dream where I recognised the first one, me and her in a car just being close and then me in my room  breaking down. Again I woke myself up with moans and sobs. Thoughts of her kept filtering through making my guts twirl and tighten and my head spin. Oh dear, whatever am I gonna do? Money is disappearing fast and I have only fears to keep me company. I’ve wondered lately if I’m bipolar. This I broached to my Doctor who said it wasn’t what he got from me, the way I act etc. What he did do was up my meds, so it’s now 40mgs of the next generation citalapram. The effects are a bit mad, dizziness, twitchy muscles, insomnia, hypersomnia. The first week, nowt much aside from odd sleeping patterns, nowt new there! But at the moment it’s not too bad, not brilliant but not awful, a pinprick in the thick cloud of maudling from before. The duvet still seems like my bomb, cereal killer, life proof shield that it has seemed this year but I am slowly getting out, early morning gym visits especially on a Sunday.

The only downside is that a girl I was seeing, another one who I shall call M, and going out with since July has decided to end it with me. This was a blow as I liked her a fair old bit and despite my outpourings of fondness for her she wants away. It shouldn’t have been a surprise really, I mean, look at what my former did and we were married! Still, maybe that’s being unfair. M was previously married and perhaps didn’t want to be tied down and panicked at my closeness. Still, it hurt as I really liked her. Plus sides, the divorce is now through and so is my new name. Small things but compared to before it’s something small or not. So it truly is over and now I have to try and pick up the ground up pieces of my life and assemble it back together. Or maybe assemble something new back together? Something that’s still me but new, if that makes sense?

Only P!nk can save me now!