Come along with me....

Something that has made me smile lately despite my black postings

This world is hard, this world is cold, this world is agony

How can I maintain an ordinary life, wife and maybe kids, job and all that comes with, house and more bills, etc whilst keeping on a permanent mask to keep all and sundry hidden from my deepest black? This damned depression that won't go away and is now pretty much a part of me, is me, for good or for ill?
How can I even contemplate a relationship with someone ever again and not fear them leaving because they can't cope? What hope do I have of having someone to love and trust? Who'd want me with this?
I walked back to the station in a daze, tears pushing hard, thoughts emotional, playing through my lack of coping ability to do small things lately, playing through jumping in the river that marks my walk to and from the station- how would it go, would I panic? Would I let it envelope me, would I sink or fight it and swim? What would I do?
I'm tired of my own thoughts and I'm tired of this depression and having each day be a fight, a battle in a war that is never-ending and is always raging. 
The only real way out would be a  victory.
A Pyrrhic one.

Suicide article

A very good read about suicide and the perception of it being, 'selfish'.
I can relate to this article so much it probably should be worrying.

Music and verse for words

Whenever I have a rough day and words are slow to come, like treacle through a sieve, I can only really express myself through the tunes I listen to and can connect with.
Hence, the posts today.

Broken

Cold, empty and worn.
It's a struggle today and I wish I was like a Lego house and then maybe I could start again.

A Life Hangover

Every time I awaken after a dream about her it always leaves me feeling fuzzy, out of place, as if I'm in a life that I shouldn't be. It's almost akin to being hungover as it always makes me feel slightly dizzy and a bit off.
The dreams are starting to repeat themselves too. Me and her together after our time apart, things and lives back to how they were with all that awkward divorce, ill-feeling and my illness completely out of the frame entirely. When I wake up to reality though and those early nano-seconds of, that was real, no, was it real? Oh, no it wasn't real, moments of sleepyness fade away I feel like crap. It's almost as if the dream, the dream that perhaps deep down I'd really like to have, has taken it's toll and the payment for that is the crappy feeling I get when it's all over.
Either way though it leaves an impression on me throughout that day and one that it hard to shake. My getting over this divorce is going to take a lot longer than I thought it was and my poor attempt to get back into that world of, 'dating' (I hate that word it's so very 'Friends' and sitcommy) it probably best left alone.
Funny how a small thing like a night time head movie can mess up your day, eh?

Follow

If you scroll to the bottom of this very blog you can now follow this blog by email.
Go on then!

Others

Worth a looksee here

Bubblegum variety pack

The days are beginning to repeat themselves. They are taking on the tone of chewing the same piece of bubblegum over and over, chewing the cud until all that remains in your mouth is a tasteless piece of rubber that is starting to make you jaw ache with the same repetitive action, one tasteless ache.

It’s days like these that make my thoughts about suicide become ever more common.

Why would someone do such a thing? From my own perspective it’s a way of alleviating stress and pressure from whatever is causing that stress and pressure, (see numerous blog entries for perspective on that) it stops worrying thoughts about the repetitive nature of the future and it stops well, everything.

‘But what about loved ones, friends and the music you love now? Doesn't that stop you?’

Sometimes it does but it can also become a prison from which I can’t escape. It can make me feel duty bound to stay for the sake of others. Sounds selfish I know but that’s how it can feel.

Other times I think that if I did the deed those reasons wouldn't matter anymore because I wouldn't matter anymore as I’d stop feeling and all of those things would become meaningless. I’d stop caring because I’d stop.

Harsh but then that’s suicide, harsh and it ruins everything but not for the person concerned.

Nobody knows

I didn’t sleep very well last night and so another chance to get to the gym went as I had nothing inside to get me out of bed. Again. The dreams that followed, if I’d known about them prior to that, would have as they centred solely on my former wife. They seem to be following a theme at the moment, these former wife dreams. The theme being reconciliation, a Hollywood style happy happy joy joy  reconciliation where its blue skies and perfect no crumbs in the butter, no inappropriate body noises living. As it went on it then morphed into a divorce and then morphed with her marrying again and for some reason me still being in the picture but her having no idea that it would have an effect on me. There were tears both in the dream and out of it as I woke up with them as well.

What am I to make of those mini head movies? I don’t know. Subconscious working things out as best they can? Perhaps. I’m not entirely sure but what I am entirely sure about is that I’m barely two weeks into 2014 and it is already a struggle. 

Very few people really know what’s going on with me and sometimes I think it’s for the best. I mean, how many times can I keep going on about my troubles? If it gets bring to me imagine how boring it must be for those who know me and have to hear it? That’s why I keep it quiet, for the most part. I've lied so much in the last year or so. Excuse after excuse and lie after lie to cover up what it is I’m going through. It’s just easier that way. Rather throw in a bad guts excuse than, I can’t think of a good reason to carry on a day to say existence anymore, explanation.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Actually, I do. I'd rather be sleeping than living.

So, what are you depressed abo....

Maybe tomorrow

Rocky 3. 

A great movie and one which I sometimes watch when nervous about some upcoming event or other. In the film, there’s one moment which resonates at the moment. 

In it, Rocky is struggling with the faster pace of training and is clearly flashing back to the battering Clubber gave him when sparring with Apollo. He stops and tells Apollo, ‘Tomorrow, tomorrow.’ 

Apollo responds with, ‘There is no tomorrow Rock, there is no tomorrow!’

These last few weeks have had me leaving everything until tomorrow, that golden dawn of hope and fulfillment where all will be fine and where I’ll be stronger, energetic, ready for the gym, ready for a run and free from this burden of black.

Tomorrow.  There’s been a lot of tomorrows. Almost three weeks later of them. Tomorrow still isn't here. It’s something I’m chasing and which seems always just out of grasp and I suppose it always will as the tomorrow I want will never come.

This week I’ve put off my coaching sessions, sessions that I help out with more than actual coaching, as I’ve either been asleep or just couldn't bear to face anyone outside of the house. Every-time I think to myself, ‘Tomorrow and it’ll all be fine. I’ll hit the gym, feel good and boom! Be ready for whatever I have to face.’

Not so far.

Still, there’s always tomorrow.

The Littlest Hobbo

Everyday is like Sunday

I have decided to blog when I’m feeling at my worst.

It might serve me well to signpost these days later on.

My body aches and I feel cold and empty inside. Any thought gives rise to a sense of near overwhelming panic that I can’t control. It’s like watching water freeze in slow motion, gradually it seeps and takes full control until it's ice and immobile.

The thought of suicide is very strong and is my only comfort. I’m not entirely sure why and never have been and can only fathom that it is due to its finality. I can barely eat and my attempt to boil some eggs went badly seeing as they were mostly un-cooked. 

My attempt to stay up and do some exercise failed yet again this morning and made me feel worse for having failed. The thing is, I feel that I have nothing inside right now. 

No fire, no fight, nothing.
Another sign that all is not well is the sense that I'd rather stay asleep amongst my dreams than face up to either, myself or whatever hurt or disappointment that lies waiting for me 'out there'.

As I enter the third year of this black, it shows no sign of abating.

Save me from the monsters

At the start of a Dr Who episode I was watching recently, a little kid was scared by the terrors in his cupboard and bedroom and kept asking over and over for someone to, ‘Save me from the monsters’. This was effective enough for the Doctor to come calling. 

Forget NHS crisis, now that’s service!

The night I’d watched it was an odd one, I felt almost feverish but had no rise or fall in temperature aside from feeling very empty and needing my hot water bottle, more for comfort than warmth. I then proceeded to have nightmares that had me crying out and waking myself up during them. This happened about three times. Unusual for me, as, I rarely get nightmares and the ones that I do get are mostly based around a feel or mood.  

I also wished that I’d had a Doctor to save me from the monsters but then, who can save me from myself?

This hasn't been the best Xmas and New Year for a while. I’d started to miss my ex-wife a bit more this time and certainly missed our Xmas routine. Also, the dread that I experienced prior to the start of 2012 where my worst fears and nightmares really did come true, were making a re-appearance.

I wasn’t looking forward to things again, I was dreading them.

I have slept a lot but also not slept a lot too, over-sleeping into the day and feeling like I've wasted them in doing so. I've struggled to keep up my exercise and gym routine and my usual option of staying up all night and going to the gym early doors to break that cycle has seen me retreat to bed more often than not. I near enough hid under my duvet last night, well, early this morning. I felt pretty shabby as well when I finally awoke this morning and I felt terrible. It was a feeling that wasn't too far away from the feeling I had the next day after my clumsy piss-poor suicide attempt in 2012. My hygiene is also taking a back seat again and I feel and think that I’m getting chubby. My head is chock full of the usual nonsense and there is this sense of panic that is starting to seep into the everyday. Although I’ve had a battle with internal fears since day dot, I've managed to overcome them in various ways. I’ve done things in my life that when in the midst of those fears and worries I just wouldn't have thought possible. Now though? Now I feel as though I've it a particularly big snake in that big game of life and it’s as much as I can to get up out of bed of a day. 

What is wrong with me?

I better get my masks ready for the next week or so when I have to venture out of the house.