Everyday is like Sunday

I have decided to blog when I’m feeling at my worst.

It might serve me well to signpost these days later on.

My body aches and I feel cold and empty inside. Any thought gives rise to a sense of near overwhelming panic that I can’t control. It’s like watching water freeze in slow motion, gradually it seeps and takes full control until it's ice and immobile.

The thought of suicide is very strong and is my only comfort. I’m not entirely sure why and never have been and can only fathom that it is due to its finality. I can barely eat and my attempt to boil some eggs went badly seeing as they were mostly un-cooked. 

My attempt to stay up and do some exercise failed yet again this morning and made me feel worse for having failed. The thing is, I feel that I have nothing inside right now. 

No fire, no fight, nothing.
Another sign that all is not well is the sense that I'd rather stay asleep amongst my dreams than face up to either, myself or whatever hurt or disappointment that lies waiting for me 'out there'.

As I enter the third year of this black, it shows no sign of abating.