This is what you get...

I don't think I'll ever get over my wife, now ex wife, leaving me. 
Not fully. I'm sure over the years it'll fade but the scar will be forever be there, faded and dull but still there like a little ghostly leech. These last couple of days I have missed her intensely. It came after a couple of defeats, (I'm playing football or rather futsal) and I dearly wanted some comfort, last night and tonite, someone to say, 'Hey, no biggie, it'll be all ok.' Someone to hold, squeeze, and someone to do likewise. Most I got was to squeeze the goalkeeper glove of my key ring. Well it is nice and soft. 

When I'm in bed, that's when it comes back.  Last night it certainly did, last night when it all came crumbling down, like a sandcastle being enveloped by the tide of my own fears gently eating away at its foundations leaving a confused and lost little boy feeling very much alone.
Missing her, wondering how I let the relationship escape me, realising those early fears of my depression came true; that she, she could would did leave me. The worst fear that I thought was just a part of my depression had actually come true.
The last day or so it has hurt more significantly than it has done in the last few months and I've only just realised why. It's the third anniversary of the marriage on the 26th of this month. Sub-conscious maybe? Sub-conscious memories which might explain the balls to bone feeling of loss that I'm feeling right now? That deep feeling that is the spiritual equivalent of having a nasty illness, say chicken pox, that horrible right through to your bone marrow sickness that makes you feel so so bad. And which is what I'm feeling now.
It doesn't help that myself and my father rarely talk. When I came home earlier all I wanted was a simple, 'How did it go? How are you?' Something, anything to show we are family. But no, all I got was, 'Is it raining?' The one time I needed something from him that would show we weren't virtual strangers and are really father and son, not just genetically, but no. 

Days like These

It was a hard defeat in futsal tonite. I'm doing my best but sometimes, damn, you don't know what to do.
I guess my deciding to go back into goal, the one position where mistakes and even non-mistakes can be highlighted as mistakes, isn't necessarily the best for my mind right now. 
It can be a lonely position. 
Nuts to it. It's what I want, still want. Robert Enke is and was my inspiration to even get back into football. For Enkus.
I can learn from my mistakes.
I will learn from my mistakes.
I only hope I can last.

Wrapped in fog

This month has been relatively stable for me, hence my lack of blog entries. The last week or so there was a bit of a wobble, nothing as bad as that big Wednesday but still when it happens it always makes me a little fretful. Last night and this morning I had very odd dreams. The oddest one being my return to the small town I used to live in with my ex-wife. There was also the potential or opportunity, I'm not sure which I just know there was a sense of something happening, of me and her talking. It left me with a strange feeling upon waking. I was also due to go to participate in some training with regard to speaking out on mental health but feeling a bit rough, I have a cold, and my usual I didn't go. I took the chance to then sleep, which I did and had some more odd dreams which I can barely remember but I know they were.. odd.

Today's over-used word will be... The. No, of course not, it's, odd.

I was keen to go to the training but what I noticed is that lat night I was slowly getting more up tight about going. Getting to and finding the venue were causing me stress. It was slow but it built up until my chest was starting to feel tight with the anxiety. I don't usually get that bad unless I'm doing something big like going away for a spell. But there it was and it probably contributed to me not going. 

What have I become?
I feel like I' m turning into an individual who I soon won't be able to recognize. Every so often when I look into the mirror the face that gawks back at me, makes me recoil. 
'Who are you?!' I ask before quickly flinching away. My anxiety levels are through the roof lately and whenever I try and think of my future it just scares me. Far too many thoughts and far too many fears are taking their toll and I'm not sure how to break free of them.
And as for relationships?! Forget that. Who on earth wants to spends time or even a life with someone with this illness? I've already had one leave because of it and I'm not keen to repeat that again.