Wrapped in fog

This month has been relatively stable for me, hence my lack of blog entries. The last week or so there was a bit of a wobble, nothing as bad as that big Wednesday but still when it happens it always makes me a little fretful. Last night and this morning I had very odd dreams. The oddest one being my return to the small town I used to live in with my ex-wife. There was also the potential or opportunity, I'm not sure which I just know there was a sense of something happening, of me and her talking. It left me with a strange feeling upon waking. I was also due to go to participate in some training with regard to speaking out on mental health but feeling a bit rough, I have a cold, and my usual I didn't go. I took the chance to then sleep, which I did and had some more odd dreams which I can barely remember but I know they were.. odd.

Today's over-used word will be... The. No, of course not, it's, odd.

I was keen to go to the training but what I noticed is that lat night I was slowly getting more up tight about going. Getting to and finding the venue were causing me stress. It was slow but it built up until my chest was starting to feel tight with the anxiety. I don't usually get that bad unless I'm doing something big like going away for a spell. But there it was and it probably contributed to me not going. 

What have I become?
I feel like I' m turning into an individual who I soon won't be able to recognize. Every so often when I look into the mirror the face that gawks back at me, makes me recoil. 
'Who are you?!' I ask before quickly flinching away. My anxiety levels are through the roof lately and whenever I try and think of my future it just scares me. Far too many thoughts and far too many fears are taking their toll and I'm not sure how to break free of them.
And as for relationships?! Forget that. Who on earth wants to spends time or even a life with someone with this illness? I've already had one leave because of it and I'm not keen to repeat that again.