Army Dreamers

My military career, reservist not regular, is looking very shaky indeed right now.
I haven't been there since the Xmas dine out with my new troop and the more I think about it the harder it is to even consider setting foot in the place. I'm starting to feel like Matt Malone did whenever he'd attempt to walk out of his flat. ('Game On' reference there, a BBC sitcom from the mid-90s).
Whenever I think about going there, seeing certain people the nerves kick in big time. I don't know if it's going back to the military discipline or the fact that people will expect something of me or that people will moan at me or question my absence. Maybe it's all of the above that is making me uncomfortable about going back. It's annoying because at certain points throughout a day I may be reminded of my time there. A certain smell may take me back, for instance the scent of diesel will always be tied up with Landrovers and the military for me. Or it might even be seeing a soldier on the TV. I see that and I do have a the odd bit of yearning to go back. But whenever I try and think about it, boom! back I go into young me and all of the nerves and fears that I used to wear like a second skin.
Saying that though, it's not like anyone I know there has even got in touch with me to ask how things are? Out of sight out of mind I guess.

I have failed...

Of all the days it has to come knock-knocking on my door.
An introduction day, one I had been looking forward to, and I was a no-show. 
I felt it last night, that cold raw feeling deep within me. It had started early. The voice of doubt wasn't long in speaking up and when it did I knew that the next day would be difficult if not impossible to get to. I don't know what made me feel worse, not going or the feeling that preceded me not going. And if that isn't enough, tomorrow I'm off to Wales for my week long practicals assessments for the ending of the first year of my University course. 
It couldn't have come at a worse time. Hmm, should be careful what I say there. I'm sure there will be other 'worse' moments to come. There has been before.
When it comes crashing down around me like this I feel so disrupted, it's like the past few weeks haven't happened and I'm right back to that bad day at the end of February, panicky, lost, fearful.
I have a presentation to construct too and I'm basing it around mental health. I'm trying to decide whether or not to include my own very personal experiences in it as well.
I'm so un-sure of everything right now and any glimpse towards my future or even a glance backwards to my past causes me such anxiety.

What am I going to do?

"Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time"

Green Day: Good Riddance (Time of your life)

Running up that Hill

Right now I am trying to build for the future, my future. 
I'm nervous, very nervous in attempting it. Mainly because past experiences have taught me  that it can go wrong. My attempt at building feels as though it is all being constructed on a foundation of sand. Seemingly solid until a big waves comes along and crumbles it all away until it comes crashing down all around me with a huge bump and a bang that will reverberate in my ears for weeks to follow.
This has manifested itself in my trying to get back into competitive football, goalkeeper position to be exact. Now, this hasn't always worked out how I would have liked. 
My first game in goal, Futsal. Was stressful and I didn't exactly paint myself in any glory what-so-ever. The next game after some coaching went better. I had some tools to use. 
Last week, not so as anyone who read my last blog entry will know. Last night too started off well and then went down-hill. A couple of errors and it felt like that was it for me after that. Uphill all the way, trying hard to make up for the errors by pulling off save after save. Not so. I think I got one good one and one minor one after that. Getting a whack in the chops didn't help either, (If my writing suddenly goes allmafffaskknff then you'll know pumpkin)
I also played 11-a-side last weekend for the first time since '98. Only this time in goal. Again, not brilliant. Learning on the job, as it were, a few positives and mistakes to learn from. It certainly wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though. 
Prior to the game, I was thinking about it and worrying about it. What would they think of me if I messed up? Would I get shouted at? Sworn at? How would I even perform? So many doubts questions and fears that pushed out any sort of enjoyment I should have got from the game completely. In the second half with the sun and wind behind me I didn't feel a little better. I'd started talking to my back 4 a bit more and despite a couple of errors, I did at least feel a little bit more confident. By the end I felt ok, feeling like I had achieved something by getting there and getting through the whole match.
I'm also slowly progressing through my football coaching, putting my name down for various goalkeeping coaching courses. Away from that and back to my old creative endeavors I've also written and sent off a play about suicide. With regards to relationships however, well that isn't happening and that's probably just as well.
Last night I had very emotional dreams regarding my black and my ex-wife. I awoke with damp eyes a I spent most of the dreams crying.That was the most prominent feature of my dreams. Being a a highly emotive state throughout and I'm sure she was involved at some level or other.
So, as you can see, I'm trying. 
I guess all I can do is plans and hope for the best, always mindful that if it wants to my black can come and strike me down whenever it wants to.

'Clenched fists, be brave...'