Army Dreamers

My military career, reservist not regular, is looking very shaky indeed right now.
I haven't been there since the Xmas dine out with my new troop and the more I think about it the harder it is to even consider setting foot in the place. I'm starting to feel like Matt Malone did whenever he'd attempt to walk out of his flat. ('Game On' reference there, a BBC sitcom from the mid-90s).
Whenever I think about going there, seeing certain people the nerves kick in big time. I don't know if it's going back to the military discipline or the fact that people will expect something of me or that people will moan at me or question my absence. Maybe it's all of the above that is making me uncomfortable about going back. It's annoying because at certain points throughout a day I may be reminded of my time there. A certain smell may take me back, for instance the scent of diesel will always be tied up with Landrovers and the military for me. Or it might even be seeing a soldier on the TV. I see that and I do have a the odd bit of yearning to go back. But whenever I try and think about it, boom! back I go into young me and all of the nerves and fears that I used to wear like a second skin.
Saying that though, it's not like anyone I know there has even got in touch with me to ask how things are? Out of sight out of mind I guess.