Hooked on a feeling

I had a low day on Thursday. The warning signs were there the night before where I just felt, bleugh. As soon as I woke up I had that familiar, hide away from the world in bed feeling and was tempted to try and cancel everything that was on that day. I did manage to get out of bed though and kept to at least 2 out of the 3 appointments I had. So it was a sort of minor victory. Throughout though, a certain song was playing in my mind and as it did it brought about certain feelings from when I used to listen to it a lot. It was NIN’s, ‘Right where it belongs’ and as I listened to it my thoughts were brought back to the summer of 2012; my insomnia, watching baseball, watching Adam Curtis documentaries, seeing the night sky slowly morph back into day, the slow realisation that my divorce was about to become a reality and that my life, my married life was now gone. All of that was tied up within that one song.  

Sadness and fatigue were prominent throughout that day and ensured that very little was done. In fact at one point I had to lie down and just ‘be’. Anything else was too complicated to even contemplate.

On the plus side, it was the first blip in something like 2/3 weeks. And in that time I have managed to at least sort out and organise my little space and have got myself to the gym too with some consistency. Before Xmas and during I’d put on weight and made some attempt to shed that afterwards when I was up to it. I got rid of a bit but not enough so, now, instead of trying again to get rid I’m going with it and have instead taken to putting on some muscle weight. So, nuts to it. At least this way I don’t have to avoid food.

I have also just about passed my first year at Uni’. Probably scrapped by but hey, it’s done. Now to try and find some sort of part time employment in the meantime.