Blow Me One Last Kiss

So I'm almost off them completely. I take half a tablet after 2 days off and soon this will be a half taken every four days off until I stop. And when I do that will have been over 3 and a half years of meds and deep black behind me. A black that has seen a divorce, a loss of job, house, the odd friend and various other things that I thought would always be there. And that's not even mentioning the various other things that have been lost or given up on or not even attempted by me in that time. I knew, at the start, that it would be a bad time but I really didn't think I would be here, at my parents trying to patch back together my life. And that's what it does feel like at the moment, trying to patch back together my life. 
The cracks will always be there like one of my mugs that was glued back together after a drop. My scars, internal and external will be something I will have to carry forwards from now on, which doesn't sound like much but if you read through my older posts it really is.
I have learned a few things from this second great depression, things about myself and about others too. For me I've learned that when depression and anxiety collide that is when thoughts of taking my life start to take hold. I've also learned that after this illness comes a thick hardened skin to some things, a fearlessness that will show itself when it comes to either making decisions on certain things or in certain situations. This is best exemplified RIGHT HERE
I've also learned that some people, no matter what they say and what they profess to you with regards to love and always being there, regardless of all of that sometimes they can not deal with someone who has a mental illness and they don't want to either. As to the why, I'm not sure. I have my suspicions regarding my ex-wife but they are only that and I doubt they'll ever be validated. I also know that when in the middle of an episode and feeling very suicidal  it is not so much like being painted into a corner -if I was I'd just run-back across with as few steps and as lightly as possible, after all I could always paint back over it after all- rather it is like being on a floor that is gradually falling away until you are left in a corner with your back against the wall on a small bit of whatever is left of the floor. 
What's left? Not much and not much to choose from either with only a small place to hide until even that feels like it's going to fall away. It is then that the option to let yourself or even force yourself to be consumed by that darkness becomes a worthwhile option. It was an option that became open to me many times and even gave rise to a foolhardy attempt too.
But here I now am. In a life that I wouldn't have even come close to considering when it was all starting to happen to me back then. It almost feels like starting again and in a sense it is I suppose. I'm nervous about it but it's not the depression nervous that has stopped me doing things from before, it's the usual nerves that I could get through before all of this and will again this time now that I'm starting to pull free.

'Be brave, clench fists...'

They haunt me like a curse

And after that last post what do I go and dream about early this morning? 
Her again. 
This time it was a reinterpretation of an argument we'd once had but in this dream I end up shoving a mop in her face. The guilt was overwhelming in the dream as was the feeling to see her, hold her and talk to her once the dream was long gone and I was awake. That emptiness ran through my body like a fever all day, the only was to shoo it away was to think of her and to consider contacting her. The contacting bit I did not go through with. That would be too much of a betrayal of well, me really and all that I have been through since she left. But those feeling still persisted and, these past few days, the dreams too.
When things are progressing and going ok, the weather helps. Conversely when things are not the weather being good does not, but I and others have covered that before. 
The empty space that was hers however is proving difficult to shift. 
Would another relationship help dispel it? Burning it away like the sun on a thick field of morning fog? I tried that before and clearly wasn't ready, though I didn't think so at the time. Now though I  think I may be ready.
Just my luck that I'll be leaving soon eh?

From despair to.... here?

Dreams of her smiling face prevailed this morning in my dreams. That was the only aspect of her in them and perhaps marks a possible shift from my usual head trips backwards. It's now mostly all memory with her, mostly good memory too. My reaction afterwards was, again, one of yearning for her, missing her but the debilitating feelings from before after such a dream were absent again. Not long after this I also had a nice dream involving starting a relationship with Charlotte Church. Now I've never known her or even met her but we got on well in the dream and well, it was nice and took me away from her for once :)
Now, although doing ok -I'm down to half a tablet every other day meds wise- I'm starting to feel a big sense of loneliness with regards to a lack of a relationship. That special someone you can hug, talk to about stuff, do stuff with, do other stuff with and just generally be with someone you really dig. That's been growing for the last few months and I suppose it's coming out in my dreams. This mornings' probably came about after me coming home from a coaching course and not having, initially her there but also a her there, so I it was on my mind. What I am coming to realise though is that when I do dream of her or when I do miss her the feelings are being fueled by memory now. That yearning or loss isn't acing up to what she did and how she left me which is something I am now reminding myself whenever those feelings get too strong.
At the moment I am progressing and I am progressing consistently with it.

'I try and walk in a straight line...'