From despair to.... here?

Dreams of her smiling face prevailed this morning in my dreams. That was the only aspect of her in them and perhaps marks a possible shift from my usual head trips backwards. It's now mostly all memory with her, mostly good memory too. My reaction afterwards was, again, one of yearning for her, missing her but the debilitating feelings from before after such a dream were absent again. Not long after this I also had a nice dream involving starting a relationship with Charlotte Church. Now I've never known her or even met her but we got on well in the dream and well, it was nice and took me away from her for once :)
Now, although doing ok -I'm down to half a tablet every other day meds wise- I'm starting to feel a big sense of loneliness with regards to a lack of a relationship. That special someone you can hug, talk to about stuff, do stuff with, do other stuff with and just generally be with someone you really dig. That's been growing for the last few months and I suppose it's coming out in my dreams. This mornings' probably came about after me coming home from a coaching course and not having, initially her there but also a her there, so I it was on my mind. What I am coming to realise though is that when I do dream of her or when I do miss her the feelings are being fueled by memory now. That yearning or loss isn't acing up to what she did and how she left me which is something I am now reminding myself whenever those feelings get too strong.
At the moment I am progressing and I am progressing consistently with it.

'I try and walk in a straight line...'

What'll I do

Coming home on the train from Wales away my final exam last week left me lots of thinking time as I listened to MSP. It was a grey rainy sky and that always leads me towards maudlin thinking but this time I couldn't help but think back to the marriage and what might have been signposts towards its eventual decline. Mostly though I thought back to the moments leading up to the big leave and the horrible atmosphere and feelings that it generated. The knock away of my hand when we were in bed when I reached out to hold her, that morning kiss that was a staple of her morning routine before she left for work by kissing me on the forehead, all of that gone. It also made me think back to those dreams that we'd both share, particularly the ones where one of us would end up leaving the other and the awful feelings that would engender in us. It would upset us both to have such a dream and promises of it never happening to us were always made. 

Who knew that they would actually come true? The background of the whys were never explained in the dram. If they had maybe she wouldn't have been so forthcoming with the promises and the such like?

'I had a dream last night whereby I left you. It was horrible. Until I realised that I'd left you because you had depression. After that I didn't feel so bad.'

So out of these thoughts and feelings came on the trip home and I let them too. Hiding them away or pushing them down into hidden darkness it ok for a part time solution but it eventually always come back bobbling to the surface. The next day it was better. I didn't feel too down about it and managed to construct a few days of gym and tasks that needed doing. However, that feeling, that yearning to have someone to hold and tell my problems to and for them to tell me theirs still exists. It's not as troublesome as it was but yeh, it's still there. 

I suppose now I'm a bit more prepared for it, that is true but it still hurts. Well, not so much hurts as aches.

The below song was playing on my mind when thinking back to those feelings and ties in nicely with those dreams we both used to have.

Out of the Picture

It's odd that dreams can potentially shape a whole day upon waking. During the the fallout from the divorce they'd pretty much set the tone for the day, mood wise. Lately I thought I had gotten over that particular problem as the dreams I'd had about my ex-wife had less of a hold on me, as shown by the last blog entry. Until this morning that is. My sleep has been all over the place again and last night sleep was slow in coming. It was that slow that I could feel the full effects of my medication, the nausea, the drowsiness without the sleep and the un-rest in my legs. By the time I was due to get up my head was in a fuzz so what followed was more drowsy sleep and a dream of me and her, back in that small house in that small town almost as if nothing had happened or changed. When I woke up it felt as if I'd changed places, the reality was really the dream and the dream was really reality. For a split second or so that was the case until it faded away like a morning mist meeting the sun. The combination of the meds and that dream left me feeling utterly bereft. I haven't felt that bad over a dream for quite a while and the urge to hide away in bed was and is strong but so far I am just about resisting. Rightly or wrongly I was considering coming off my meds, mostly due to their aide effects which, as mentioned, can leave me feeling out of sorts. After this morning though it does give me pause for thought. Am I ready? I suppose whatever I decide these moments of missing will remain. At the moment it all feels like one step forward two steps back...

This was a song that played in my head as I awoke. It was one of her favs and one that reminds me of her.

Wolverine Blues

Yesterday was a nice day in terms of wandering in and out of shops, buying a few nice things (Shop assistant at Forbidden Planet to me: Buying some Xmas gifts? Me: Yes, for me!) and getting things done that needed to be done.
It was an almost total reverse of Friday's feelings and I was at times quite happy, my mind racing. I've had this before and it sometimes feels like I'm exhausting these feelings of happiness only for them to run out on me when needed. 
Like today.
Today, I felt tired and worn. Again. In fact, it seemed to all hinge upon one thought of her entering my mind and laying out on bed, hoping to exercise later on, for those were my plans, but knowing deep down that I probably wouldn't. 
I then drifted in and out of sleep and each time I not only felt irritable and uncomfortable but thoughts of her ruled supreme. Each time they did I'd wake myself up on the verge of tears, the very act waking me up. 
I dreamt about her last night and that seems to have been the trigger for today. As soon as I thought back to it the effect did for me quick snap.
In the dream, I was trying to talk to her to say how much I missed her but every-time she had a boyfriend either with her or suddenly joining in to sit next to her un-moving. Sometimes, like today, I miss her so much it scares me. It's days like these that make me feel as though I'm living a life I shouldn't be, like I'm living a life that if it were in photographs  there would have a little space cut out where her place should be.
I know it's the time of year where it pinches much more acutely, her absence, but still it hurts. This isn't really great timing either as I had some good news re: my trip to London and a job interview. 
I got the job which is fab' but current black rules the roost and right now my past wants my time and it's proving very difficult to push it to the side.
Today I am totally bereft of her and it hurts.

Winter is Coming

Recently my dreams have been quite vivid. One I had recently had me watching a thick freezing fog slowly envelope me and all the while I knew it was happening and that I couldn't do anything about it. I think I was describing it as it was happening to me, knowing that it would be hard to escape from. I’m hoping that this was more a reflective type of dream rather than anything of a forewarning. 

Really hoping. Hoping hard. And my ex-wife has featured in these dreams too. I can’t remember how she featured but I do know that she did feature in them. 

My dreams, depending on what I’m up to do that day, tend to be layered. A big involved dream, wake up briefly and then lots of little dreams afterwards. Those dreams still unsettle me but at least they don’t ruin me for the day like they used to. But they still leave an imprint. I don’t know how long it will take until I’m free of her and the past. Maybe I never will be. But where does that leave me with regards to future relationships? It makes me very nervous indeed and not at all keen to pursue one. The trouble is I am craving going out with female company, window shopping, coffee shop chats, playful flirting meals and the such like but it’s not happening right now but considering what I've just written maybe that’s just as well? To pursue or not to pursue?

And if that wasn't bad enough, Xmas is coming. 

Xmas’ for me haven’t been the best, last year’s after my return from the US was particularly bad and seemed to be the precursor to an awful start to the new year. I did have plans to leave for another country but the problem with that was being alone and having no agenda as to what to do when away. Maybe it would have made me feel worse? I’m not sure but I wasn't keen on taking the risk so here I will stay this Xmas. I had dreams about y fears in the summer, I was worrying about it that much but the dreams had me doing other things, coaching in Germany, time spent in the US, enjoying Xmas and completely forgetting my previous bad Xmas’ and previous Xmas worry. 

Now hopefully those dreams were a foretelling of a possible future. 

That’s what I’m hoping. Really hoping.

I try to walk in a straight line

I had the oddest and not the nicest dream ever last night. It involved Steven Gerrard (not a fan of him or his team) and my wife, not like that you filthy dogs! Anyhow, for some reason I was wearing a t-shirt with his face on it to a dinner that he was attending and wearing a suit jacket over it, odd. Even odder was my Aunty suddenly appearing and telling me after I took my jacket off how silly it was of me to wear it when she knew I wasn't a fan. Anyway, Gerrard was ok with me and then cool with me. During all of this my former made an appearance and she sort of spoke to me and I spoke back saying, oh so you're talking to me then?
After that, I can't recall what I said but I know by the tone and the result I wasn't nice to her. I think my brain threw all of the subconscious thoughts and feelings I had/have in the form of questions at her which resulted in her leaving in floods of tears. not long after that, she died! And then I nearly did when Gerrard tried to kill me in  a mobile scooter accident we were both in. Blimey O!
I awoke feeling very odd indeed and a bit sad too. I never did like seeing her cry or sad though it seemed to happen during our time together. That is the one face of hers that my  mind keeps conjuring up too, her being in pain or crying. It pops up now and again as if to torture me somehow. Hmm.
The song with the link below featured in my dream and I think kick started it as I listened to it before bed, well, before bed at half 2 in the am. It was one of her favs and one we sang along to when we saw them last year. Played it today and heard it on the radio this evening. Seemed kind apt.
My mum asked if I believed it could happen and I said, no but that wasn't the point. It was the feeling it left behind this morning. 
Why does my mind seemingly hate me?
Feeling tired which is good as I'm up early tomorrow for an appointment.
We shall see if I sleep or it's another all nighter.

I wish I had a bottle