Not tang-fastic, just sour

The wobble is proving more than just a wobble. More like an unbalanced decent into free fall if this keeps on going. Yesterday I felt bad and today, well, I just gave up. Mornings are fraught with the possibilities of anxiety and me acting on those anxieties.
It doesn't help that my sleep is a bit erratic so sometimes I end up oversleeping. Mostly it's because once I stay in bed beyond 5-10 minutes of turning the alarm off I get comfy, give up and nod off and then totally give up when I see the time. I had two things to do today but by mid-day I had given them up, one of them trying to go back to my old creative ways with regards to why I wasn't going to be there today. I have yet to see the reply. It wouldn't surprise me if they told me to go away and never bother them again. Actually, it would and it would upset me but I think that that sort of response is the type I fear, the type I actually expect. Or rather that black part of me expects.
It's what I expect no matter what I do or where I go. Whether it is football, going back to fitness or military I expect them to tell me to get lost as I'm a waste of space that isn't any use or any good at whatever it is that I am trying to do with them. 'Just fuck off will you?!'
My mind is always waiting for that to be bellowed. I think this explains my reticence to do things or participate in them. My inner narrative subconsciously thinks, 
'Why put yourself through it all? You know what will happen. You will fail, make a prat of yourself and though they may not say it they will think it.'
Is this the depression still or what's left over from it? I don't know anymore. 
The only thing I do know is that it is extremely tiring and wearing.
And if all of that wasn't enough, the 26th March is fast approaching. What would have been the 5th anniversary of my first marriage is coming at me when I'm feeling low. 
Great timing as ever.

Wobble

I suppose I cannot continue on with my life and not expect the odd wobble. The relief you have from getting through that long dense period of black can be quite spellbinding though and any threat of its return makes you fretful. I have had some wobbles before after such periods but it always un-nerves me some because there is always that fear of returning back to it fully. I had one a couple of weeks ago. 
It wasn't awful but it was enough to unsteady me. I felt it after a particularly hard run the day before and wondered if the run had anything to do with it but I suppose I cant really be sure. Whatever it was or wasn't the next day was a slump. The usual feelings coupled with that heavy weight feeling were ever present and left me in bed, keen to cancel any and all activities. It's always as soon as I wake up. The fear. That panic, that anxious oppressive feeling which determines what I do or rather what I won't do in the coming hours. It wasn't nearly as bad as times before but it was bad enough to make me want to lie low, hide away from everything. Thankfully it only lasted a day or so but it did scare me. This is what I feared prior to my return home from abroad. A return to how I was. 
At the moment only the odd little wobble has seen me return to anything like that, for the most part I have been clear of all that but it's hard not to be concerned and worry about it. Keeping out and away from it, that's my goal because a return to it is just too much to bear.