Not tang-fastic, just sour

The wobble is proving more than just a wobble. More like an unbalanced decent into free fall if this keeps on going. Yesterday I felt bad and today, well, I just gave up. Mornings are fraught with the possibilities of anxiety and me acting on those anxieties.
It doesn't help that my sleep is a bit erratic so sometimes I end up oversleeping. Mostly it's because once I stay in bed beyond 5-10 minutes of turning the alarm off I get comfy, give up and nod off and then totally give up when I see the time. I had two things to do today but by mid-day I had given them up, one of them trying to go back to my old creative ways with regards to why I wasn't going to be there today. I have yet to see the reply. It wouldn't surprise me if they told me to go away and never bother them again. Actually, it would and it would upset me but I think that that sort of response is the type I fear, the type I actually expect. Or rather that black part of me expects.
It's what I expect no matter what I do or where I go. Whether it is football, going back to fitness or military I expect them to tell me to get lost as I'm a waste of space that isn't any use or any good at whatever it is that I am trying to do with them. 'Just fuck off will you?!'
My mind is always waiting for that to be bellowed. I think this explains my reticence to do things or participate in them. My inner narrative subconsciously thinks, 
'Why put yourself through it all? You know what will happen. You will fail, make a prat of yourself and though they may not say it they will think it.'
Is this the depression still or what's left over from it? I don't know anymore. 
The only thing I do know is that it is extremely tiring and wearing.
And if all of that wasn't enough, the 26th March is fast approaching. What would have been the 5th anniversary of my first marriage is coming at me when I'm feeling low. 
Great timing as ever.

Wise Wisdom

It won't be long until the anniversary of my wedding, now first and only wedding, which will also coincide with the anniversary of the split/divorce. When I was a little younger I used to think that going through marriages and the such like would offer one some sort of wisdom, give one a certain take on life and make you exude sagacious wiseness. Internally I also tend to think that this has given me some sort of life experience which will in turn present me as being wise and having some wisdom on certain life experiences. Which it has to a certain extent but really all it has done is turn my heart a little harder. Now when I say this I don't mean it is the hardest of hearts as hard as stone more like it has a brittle inner that is shielding a much softer inner. All that experience has given me is a fear of becoming close and intimate to someone again. I'm not as wise as I think I am.
Lately she has been on my mind but mostly I think it's the past and those good times and feelings from that time that are on my mind, whether I want to admit that or not. The urge to get in contact with her is strong. As is the urge to go back to a time when we were together living in that small town and all that came with it. how quickly would I go back to relive that period and all it's mistakes in an attempt to rectify them and perhaps change the future? 
All too readily, I'm afraid.
And what is the one thing that calms me down, from not only this but all that is entwined with this black of mine?
Facing the end is what.
Sitting on the edge.....

Struggle Within (reprise)

No matter how many times I seem to get to this point or reach this level of feeling I still can't seem to shake it or get used to it. An event comes up I get nervous and immediately I yearn for me wife, my ex-wife. On and on it goes with no real lessening of the intensity of feelings. 
I really don't know how to shift it. And if I do attempt to shift the nerves, which is usually me cancelling something, that results in a brief pause of that feeling and annoyed feelings from who or whatever it is I have cried off from. 
I can only imagine the depth and intensity of feeling that will result from the forthcoming big move at the end of the summer.
It's like I'm in some ineffable maze that I can't find my way out of no matter which way I turn. I try the same route but always end up back to the same. Sometimes distraction works but when-ever it comes back to my mind it sometimes feels worse in it's intensity.
I really don't know what to do. 
Again.

Oh the sadness will never go...

So another Sunday, another run and another day of darkness and feeling empty inside. 
It took a lot of distractions to get rid of that nagging anxious feeling and a lot of distractions to rid that empty feeling of missing her. 
No matter how much time passes I wonder if I'm dome sort of inevitable path to my ultimate self destruction. Regardless of the odd side-road that I am sometimes diverted down that can fool me into a sense of losing that feeling I always seem to find myself back on this road. Seemingly.

...will never go away, baby it's here to stay

I say seemingly as I do and have generally pulled out of it. I do this by generally trying to just carry on and trying my best not to give in to that feeling, the voice that says, give up, stop. It is tempting and at times hard to resist as I have previously written about but having been there before I know that if I do give up and give in to that feeling and that voice I'll find it harder to get out and get going and the guilt that will follow will be crushing as I do have commitments. I hate it but sometimes it is very hard to resist. Very hard.

Me vs Me

My run almost didn't happen as I wasn't feeling it at all, the urge to get up and out wasn't there. I near enough forced myself out by reminding myself that a) no runs equal a chubbier me and b) it's been one month since I last started my new year runs and one month since tackling the hill that I mentioned in my last entry. That time on New Year's Day I struggled and ended up walking a section of it. This time I completed it and managed to keep on moving in a run/jog sort of manner. That effort seems to have leveled out my bad feelings and at the moment I feel ok. Not particularly up but thankfully not too far down either. Which after earlier on before the run is an improvement, of sorts.
Still, the way I am and the way I have been I'll take any improvement. comparing this year's entries to last year's is also a marked improvement. Though saying that Feb 2014 did almost culminate in another suicide attempt. Still, baby steps and it is so far, so good.
But, well it's all getting far too repetitive. Again.
At least the Super-Bowl is on later.

Running on Vince DeCola

Whilst running this evening I think I've worked out why I not only like outdoors running but outdoors running when it is dark, cold and possibly raining and/or snowing. I think it pretty much replicates my mind during these dark periods, during these anxious times when I struggle to do anything, when the thought of going anywhere or doing anything near enough paralyses me into doing nothing. 
Ever since I began running it soon became clear that the biggest opponent I'd ever face was myself. And even today after all those years of fitness and running now behind me it still rings true. I've taken to running up an, at times, undulating but pretty steep hill not far from where I live. It used to be an accident hot spot for cars, particularly in bad weather (Whenever I'm out running at night I make sure I wear bright near outlandish running gear. I will not not be seen) and running it can be pretty tough. I've only tackled the whole thing twice and am steadily increasing my range with regards to running the whole thing again soon. Whenever I do run it, whether it's the whole thing or part of it the goal is always the same, to keep on moving, to keep on running even if it is only shuffling my feet up that hill. Making sure that voice that wants me to stop, to walk when the pain in my legs grows and they become heavy or if I'm struggling to get air into my lungs I try my best to shut that voice out and stop it being heard. This is what I mean by me being the biggest opponent because whether it's running or just day to say tasks I'm trying my best to overcome that opponent. 
I'm trying hard to overcome me.

'Though his body says stop, his spirit cries, NEVER!'

I don't mind the pain

So here we all are, a new year, a chance to... hmm, I'll stop there. 
You've heard all before, I've heard it and said it all before. Yeh.
Last year's new year wasn't the best and that kinda lingered for a while with some big peaks and deep troughs, the odd calm moments in March/April before properly plateauing around May time. 
My last suicidal urge was late February and hopefully I won't go through similar this time around. It started in January and was sort of triggered by a river I walk past most days.
Whenever I pass by that river now I always get the odd flashback as it was a place I kept resisting the urge to leap into at the start of last year. You can read through those times in last year's January blog entry if you'd like. I might myself at one point to see how bad I was.
This year so far so fairly normal, for me. I started off with a run on new year's day and have so far kept up the running and gym visits. Mind you, it is still early. I mean, what is it so far, one week and bit in?
I'm enjoying my outdoor runs though. Even if the weather isn't the best or it's rainy or windy I like it. Running in darkness is fine too as there are very few people about. I just put on some bright gear, plug in my music and I'm off. Right now I'm back to hitting the odd long hill too. The feeling of the cold air in my lungs and the heavy pain in my legs sometimes has a cleansing effect on me, it sort of clears my head as all I have to really think about and concentrate on is moving and keeping on moving trying my best not to stop and walk because I'm puffed out or my legs are too heavy. I just have to keep on moving, even if it's a slow shuffle, keep on moving, keep on running. When I'm going up that hill I tend to keep my head down as if I look at what's to come mentally it deflates me and it's hard enough to run without added pressure.
I remember during my first and thankfully so far, only attempt at suicide the walk I took was almost as head clearing as deciding to take my life. Now though, I prefer to run as at times I seek the pain from it. I'm not sure why but I suspect it's a hangover from my self harming days. 
It's my small way of punishing myself, I think. It's also helping me lose a little bit of weight that I've been carrying around in various sizes for the past year too.
Let's hope I can keep it up.

The hating half of me.....

I found out today the result of that job interview I went to London for this morning. Well, I say this morning as in when it was sent but in reality I actually received once I woke up from a half slumber/half awake daze.

The news was good, very good. I’m in. Unfortunately due to it being one of those days it hasn’t really sunk it yet. I’m sure it will but right now it has had little effect on me. Which, I suppose, proves quite starkly that depression is not solely mood based, by that I mean it isn’t a case of feeling a bit down until the next mood or bit of good news comes along and hey, I’m fine now! It’ll suck the life out of you regardless of what’s going on in your life. Admittedly, I knew this, it, obviously, being borne out of direct contact with the illness more than anything but it was good to have it tested out directly.

…has won the battle easily

I have no idea why I’m how I am today. I can’t see any links to any triggers that sometimes preclude such emptiness. I just feel worn and empty. It’s not even that extreme blackness I've had before this time it’s more grey, a deep steel grey cloudy sky of a day that keeps threatening rain but keeps it back, instead suffocating the day with its continual cover and bleached colour. 

Or, basically, it’s a bad day.

A small worry has crept min with the news too, what of my meds? 

What of days like these that ruin everything? Will I have them over there? And what if I do, what then? I've yet to see or sign the contract and I’m already worrying. 

Have a day off will ya brain?!

But it won’t. It never will. 

When it does keep quiet it’s only slumbering until the next time.

Wishing Well

This past Monday I had a little lapse. It had all started well enough but after browsing in some shops, looking for something but generally just nosing around I started to think back to when me and her used to shop. It was probably because a shop that I was in was one we did actually shop together in, only the once but it still brought to life a previously dormant memory. And as that memory came and went I saw other couples shopping together and the memory became stronger. Even leaving the shop didn't help and as I began to slowly trudge around the shopping centre I could almost see me and her walking around shopping as we had done those four years ago in my mind's eyes. As it happened I briefly wished that I could forgo everything just to go back and start again with her. 

Couldn't I? Please?

'Memories haunt me like a curse'

After that I felt myself draining away and it wasn't until I started my day’s activities that I forgot it all. It seems the only way I can keep it at bay. 

Still.

Wishes. I wish, I wish, I wish. If there was a wishing well it would surely have run dry by now. Would I really want to go back? Probably not. Even if that magical reality came true all it would do is reset the clock. All I’d be doing is rewinding the film, playing it over and over, enjoying the scenes time and again. But sooner or later the film has to stop, it has to reach it’s ending, it's conclusion no matter how painful or sad it is. With Xmas shopping now in full flow, the sight of couples and families shopping is difficult to endure and no matter who hard I wish I’ll never be able to rewind the film. Because right now and I'm sure in time to come I will want to rewind my film.

Today is a bad day.

'Let me hide under the sheets...'

Every post is exactly the same

So many plans, so many thoughts. All of them came to nil points.
My plan was to awake early, run, gym it and get things done. Things done? Sod all.
Sleeping done however, lots and lots. I just wanted to sleep and let the world disappear around me as I folded in on my own consciousnesses. It probably didn't help that lat night I felt odd and anxious, rereading my divorce paper didn't help. An odd dream/vision of crawling figures in black hoodies coming towards me added to the unease but didn't duly disturb me, (this is an odd side of me that is well, kinda odd. I rarely have nightmares and so am keen to experience them thinking they'll be more like personal horror films, none so far though) No, I'm not sure what it was but the usual happened, a lack of sleep and then an on/off sleep that stretched long into the next day. Everything ruined once more. 
You stupid stupid a**%$! I was too listless and apathetic to actually think that but it was there, my annoyance at myself. 
And round and round we go.
I'm getting in the habit of not eating a lot and kind of enjoying it. I know things aren't the best when I start munching on dry digestives. I've lost weight, all that work in the gym has now gone but for some reason I'm keen to emaciate myself. I guess this is another version of S.I. which is something else I've been thinking about, cutting away at my arms in a symmetrical pattern and letting myself bleed out.
Oh dear, how on earth did I get here?

What if all the world around you is an elaborate dream?