Mr Self Destruct

Watching Breaking Bad recently (It's a show I've gotten into lately along with Game of Thrones), I was wondering about me and if my depressive tendencies will lead me towards a path of ultimate self destruction. It wasn't a bad day today but it wasn't the best. 
And when you have another in a long line of not the best day(s) you tend to get tired of them, weary of them. Tired and weary of battling yourself and your mind and when that happens the question of suicide sometimes pops up. 
How much longer can I keep battling this? 
Battling this part of me, illness though it is, takes its toll. I mean, will it come to pass that one day in the far future will I just reach a point where I've had enough and decide to end it? That's a scary thought. One in a very long line of scary thoughts granted but scary it still is. Things are ok at the moment but when they aren't this thought occasionally appears. 
Will I survive? Do I have it in me to keep surviving?

Hold me tight

Much has happened since my last proper entry. I’ve gained a year, I’ve got myself some part time work and I had a good spell of non-blackness. This past week or so however, it has returned and I find myself in a little slump. Robin Williams passing has brought it into sharper focus as well, as is usual whenever I hear about a suicide. 

It always starts off innocently enough, a missing day of the gym here or there, over tiredness later sleeping hours which lead to over sleeping into the day. This then starts to stretch into days and then weeks and I find it harder to get up, to get out and do anything. 

It has also come at an awkward time; it always does, as I’m due to go away over the weekend. I’m nervous as I know what I’m like when it comes to events like these and I’m at a low point. Anxiety goes up and my will to do anything sinks. I want to go but leaving the comfort of my bed and my little space, again, is a daunting one.

It’s a battle once again. I was almost getting used to not being this way over the past couple of months and actually thought I might be able to decrease my meds. Fat chance of that now. Over 2 and a half years of this. Will it ever improve? Will I ever improve?

I recently completed CBT therapy one on one and it went well and I left it with some tools to use. Now’s the time to use them, I guess.

It doesn’t help that this morning I had a nice dream about my x-wife. In it she was loving and, well, nice. I cant recall if it was a get back together or not. I do know that I woke myself up from it, almost as if my subconscious wanted me to end it so I wouldn’t have to deal with the bittersweet after effects once I woke up. It did serve, however, to remind me how much I miss her. She could have such a calming effect on me if I had to do something that got me a little bit worked up. She was also someone I could look forward to seeing on my return. 

Obviously, not anymore. 

Still, that was her choice and it’s something I must remind myself, regardless of the nice dreams. It was her choice to leave when I was at my worst. 

Hers.

Sadness :(

So much sadness at this and the manner of his passing.

New MSP!

And it's signed too :)

The Dark Side of the Moon

Like most kids I was scared by the dark. I was scared by its potential to hide things away only for them to jump on me and attack me as soon as the lights went out. 
Now, as an adult, I find the dark comforting. It's a place I can hide away in when the lights go out. In the dark I feel safe, covered, hidden in the shadows away from everyone and sometimes even away from myself. When I'm having one of those days of black I have to shut everything away, the shutters come down, literally and figuratively and the light goes out. It could be blazing sun outside, warm with beautiful blue skies but inside it's dark, shady with only music for company and the light hue of my laptop the only illumination.

'Go to sleep, everything is alright'

When I get to bed too that provides me with some respite. I'll either plug in to some tunes or leave the TV on, because although I want to be enshrouded in darkness I sometimes get overwhelmed by loneliness so having the TV on can sometimes give me some audio company.
Whether it's day or night when I'm having a day like today the dark is my friend.
How things change when you reach adulthood. From scary to comforting. Conversely, when I think of even attempting to get into that great comfort of relationships, I get scared.
What was comforting is now so scary.

Everything will be ok once I turn the lights out.

You visit me in my sleep

"I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me"

In Dreams

Another Thursday and another night/morning of dreams about her. I awoke much as I did last week, in a state of tiredness and feeling down and worn. I can’t recall the dreams but I do remember them being mostly about her and her departing from me. At times she was in the dream but mostly she wasn’t and it was me trying to comprehend what was happening or what was about to happen to me. Even thinking about it now the feelings I had are coming alive, like the scent of coffee once you open its bag, strong and permeating. 

At the time the whole divorce situation did not really sink in, not for a long time. The sense of unreality stayed with me for a long time and has only now, until I have these dreams of course, really dissipated. Despite it all, however, some days I really do miss her. I miss being with her. The face she’d make when she’d try and grab a cheeky snack from behind the cupboard door, waking up wit her and grabbing a hug, the kiss she’d give me before she left for work of a morning. And damn it all, I just miss her presence and her calming influence.

Still hurts.

Today that is all being tempered by the bitter and icy cold reality that she wanted to divorce me. I think it has taken my subconscious a long time to really work out what has happened, the near suddenness of it all. From what I can remember in the dream, I was driving around with her, then I was in a house alone and feeling so very sad, knowing that she wanted away from me. Even in dreams, in wonderful beautiful dreams I'm separated from her.

Why? Why did she want away from me? Why did she hurt me like that? The girl who said sh'd love me and be with me forever and who wasn't going anywhere when I opened up to her about my deep darkest fears and of my depression returning?