Sunday, 4 May 2014

Drifting into my Solitude

So, my residential week at University is all done. I enjoyed it and got into a routine and back to some good healthy eating as well. I also tried enjoying my own company as well. A trip to see Captain America: Winter Soldier, at the cinema one day,  a meal at a restaurant the next day and window shopping another day. It was the first trip to the flicks since I saw the Avengers film two years ago. It was a nice week, despite the age gap sometimes getting me down but hey, it could've been worse I suppose.

"I will speak no more of my feelings beneath"

Now, I'm back. Back and sliding towards bad habits, bad comforting habits. Sleeping late, hiding in my bed, under the sheets with either music or the TV for company. I've also had off days. Today is one of them. I feel tired, worn and delicate. I was supposed to be doing something but came up with a lie to not go. 
I think I'm getting good at it now. Lying. That isn't me boasting, it just is a fact now. What else can I do when I wake up and have that feeling, that empty sometimes cold worn feeling of, 'I can't do it'. I've slowly started to work out who I can and cannot tell about this whole black. Some people just do not want to hear about it. So I lie.
I'm becoming unreliable I'm sure. The person who could be counted on to show up to whatever he said he'd do. Not anymore I'm sure. I'm in bed with a hot water bottle. A cup of tea finished, the TV on. I didn't sleep too well which i'm sure is contributing to my general state but even still, not good.
Is this what I can look forward to now? A life of good days, off days, bad days and very bad days?
I've mentioned before how scary a prospect that is but the more it happens and the more real it actually gets the more terrifying it is. It is the one thing that encourages my suicidal thoughts, that sense of this never ending. The thought that one day in the future, or many days in the future, when I'm engaged in a job I've worked hard for I wake up one day and know it's one of those days I call in sick and become unreliable or worse um-employable.

"No-one will expect anything from me"

Finishing this first Uni year promised some comfort, it promised me a break and a loosening of some responsibility. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. On the good side if the off days crop up there isn't anyone to lie or make excuses to to cover them up. On the bad, it does leave me with a lack of routine. A lack of routine I'm struggling to re-form. I've missed the gym, I've missed Army reserves. The thought of which really scares me. My confidence for that has gone completely and I'm not sure if it'll ever come back. 
I don't know what to do anymore.

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