That's it. That is, was my last half of Mirtazapine that I took Monday night. Over 3 and half years of meds from Citalapram, Escitalapram before finally settling on the Mirtz. I could tell the meds were practically out of my system as just taking that half left me feeling very lethargic the following morning. I wanted to be clear of them by the time I left for the US and so far so good. I have had the odd moments of anxiety in the morning but generally the side effects haven't been too harsh at all as I've come off them these past few months. Now, however, I'm worrying like my old self as I try and think ahead and think what I need to do with regards to my summer holiday job that I'm leaving for this week. Anxiety has always been a problem with me and more so whenever some sort of change enters my life. Like I've mentioned before I never seem to be able to enjoy experiences I always see them as obstacles to be overcome, especially with this anxiety that fuels everything. I don't know how to smooth it, even with all this experience of dealing with it behind me. I just tend to worry worry worry and then do it. I need to find another way, especially when it comes to calming myself down. That I have yet to really find. I'm hoping more experience will help and do what it sometimes does and desensitize me to future worries and anxieties. Time will tell. Again. But for now, I have a trip to get ready for. "Brace yourself, cos this goes deep I'll show you the secrets, the sky and the birds Actions speak louder than words Stand by me my apprentice Be brave, clench fists...."
It's getting nearer. The summer holiday job move to the US. All things going well, as in funds being available, I should be off next week. The nerves have been there, mostly every-time I awaken. For me this is normal and something I've lived with throughout my life so far when something big in my life is coming up. It may also explain the depression as I believe high anxiety types are prone to it. And really this brings me back to something I mentioned before. I've always seemed to see events coming my way as obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. Always. It's rare if I can still my nerves to the point of not being too bothered by it all. Very rare. I just can't seem to switch off from it. I'm always wired into it and it gets wearing. I don't know how else to approach things and mostly the only way I've learned to cope is to just do it like that books says, Feel the fear and do it anyway. Having the feelings though, sheesh, it sure makes it difficult because those feelings make most things seem like a threat a direct fight or flight situation which can lead to me er... flighting. These last few years have seen a lot of that but considering what I was going through I'm not going to get too excited by any of that. Battles will be won and lost but the war goes on. That was something I used to repeat to myself when I was first stating out in stand up and trying to get the will up to travel places. I still use it now but it makes me think, will the war ever end? I don't think it will. Not unless I can radically change, not only my thinking but my inner being too and after a life of this how can I? It just feels like putting plasters on numerous gaping wounds. On the plus side I have one half of my meds left to take and then that's it. For now. Picture time
So I'm almost off them completely. I take half a tablet after 2 days off and soon this will be a half taken every four days off until I stop. And when I do that will have been over 3 and a half years of meds and deep black behind me. A black that has seen a divorce, a loss of job, house, the odd friend and various other things that I thought would always be there. And that's not even mentioning the various other things that have been lost or given up on or not even attempted by me in that time. I knew, at the start, that it would be a bad time but I really didn't think I would be here, at my parents trying to patch back together my life. And that's what it does feel like at the moment, trying to patch back together my life. The cracks will always be there like one of my mugs that was glued back together after a drop. My scars, internal and external will be something I will have to carry forwards from now on, which doesn't sound like much but if you read through my older posts it really is. I have learned a few things from this second great depression, things about myself and about others too. For me I've learned that when depression and anxiety collide that is when thoughts of taking my life start to take hold. I've also learned that after this illness comes a thick hardened skin to some things, a fearlessness that will show itself when it comes to either making decisions on certain things or in certain situations. This is best exemplified RIGHT HERE I've also learned that some people, no matter what they say and what they profess to you with regards to love and always being there, regardless of all of that sometimes they can not deal with someone who has a mental illness and they don't want to either. As to the why, I'm not sure. I have my suspicions regarding my ex-wife but they are only that and I doubt they'll ever be validated. I also know that when in the middle of an episode and feeling very suicidal it is not so much like being painted into a corner -if I was I'd just run-back across with as few steps and as lightly as possible, after all I could always paint back over it after all- rather it is like being on a floor that is gradually falling away until you are left in a corner with your back against the wall on a small bit of whatever is left of the floor. What's left? Not much and not much to choose from either with only a small place to hide until even that feels like it's going to fall away. It is then that the option to let yourself or even force yourself to be consumed by that darkness becomes a worthwhile option. It was an option that became open to me many times and even gave rise to a foolhardy attempt too. But here I now am. In a life that I wouldn't have even come close to considering when it was all starting to happen to me back then. It almost feels like starting again and in a sense it is I suppose. I'm nervous about it but it's not the depression nervous that has stopped me doing things from before, it's the usual nerves that I could get through before all of this and will again this time now that I'm starting to pull free. 'Be brave, clench fists...'
And after that last post what do I go and dream about early this morning? Her again. This time it was a reinterpretation of an argument we'd once had but in this dream I end up shoving a mop in her face. The guilt was overwhelming in the dream as was the feeling to see her, hold her and talk to her once the dream was long gone and I was awake. That emptiness ran through my body like a fever all day, the only was to shoo it away was to think of her and to consider contacting her. The contacting bit I did not go through with. That would be too much of a betrayal of well, me really and all that I have been through since she left. But those feeling still persisted and, these past few days, the dreams too. When things are progressing and going ok, the weather helps. Conversely when things are not the weather being good does not, but I and others have covered that before. The empty space that was hers however is proving difficult to shift. Would another relationship help dispel it? Burning it away like the sun on a thick field of morning fog? I tried that before and clearly wasn't ready, though I didn't think so at the time. Now though I think I may be ready. Just my luck that I'll be leaving soon eh?
Dreams of her smiling face prevailed this morning in my dreams. That was the only aspect of her in them and perhaps marks a possible shift from my usual head trips backwards. It's now mostly all memory with her, mostly good memory too. My reaction afterwards was, again, one of yearning for her, missing her but the debilitating feelings from before after such a dream were absent again. Not long after this I also had a nice dream involving starting a relationship with Charlotte Church. Now I've never known her or even met her but we got on well in the dream and well, it was nice and took me away from her for once :) Now, although doing ok -I'm down to half a tablet every other day meds wise- I'm starting to feel a big sense of loneliness with regards to a lack of a relationship. That special someone you can hug, talk to about stuff, do stuff with, do other stuff with and just generally be with someone you really dig. That's been growing for the last few months and I suppose it's coming out in my dreams. This mornings' probably came about after me coming home from a coaching course and not having, initially her there but also a her there, so I it was on my mind. What I am coming to realise though is that when I do dream of her or when I do miss her the feelings are being fueled by memory now. That yearning or loss isn't acing up to what she did and how she left me which is something I am now reminding myself whenever those feelings get too strong. At the moment I am progressing and I am progressing consistently with it.
The first time I got into this song it coincided with me coming through and getting over my first depressive episode back in 2002. The visuals with the water and the lyrics all really ran deep with me and as it seems like I'm moving on from this second one it is happening again. I knew things were getting better when, as I listened to this song, it made sense once more and left me relating to it a lot more. Whereas before when I listened to it last year it did not. Enjoy :)
I'm now down to just over 7mgs of my meds per night. I felt a bit queasy this morning but so far not too shabby. It's also the 3rd anniversary of my starting this here blog. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about that fact.
It's been a few weeks of change for me. I had an exam to complete to signal the end of the foundation degree and that went to form, as in it went badly. Not so much my effort, though I've yet to find out the result of that just yet, more that when we went there our names were not down on the seating planner. Brilliant. So after much moving around trying to find the venue, no-one there really knowing what was going on our tutor came down and put on the exam in his study room instead. Most were not keen and elected not to do it. Myself and one other did. I thought it best to get it out of the way and I really didn't fancy revising another load of subjects later down the line. It meant missing a ride back home but I didn't mind so much. It gave me a chance to relax on the train going home and listen to the Manics, always a favourite when I'm in Wales. My thoughts were quite melancholic, thoughts of past mistakes and my ex-wife were at the front of my mind for some reason, as I have mentioned in a previous blog. So now that's it, education wise. On towards the US. Regarding that I had some not so great news as I have been relocated to New Jersey which isn't ideal as my heart was set on the Boston area. I couldn't help but feel a little deflated at that news. Still, at least it's somewhere else and a chance to put the past truly behind me. I think I need distance, physically distance to put certain things behind me, as cliched as that sounds. My other change has been some weight loss. I have adapted that 5/2 diet and tailored it a bit to suit me any my exercise regime and so far it has worked as I can now put on certain jeans and shirts without them looking a bit like a pale Hulk about to erupt. I almost forgot the other change. I'm coming off my meds. It's been over 3 years and I think it's the right time. I'd like to be off them before the US and I think the gradual come down from them will be a lot kinder to me than the nightmare of 2013 and the week long come off that left me, well left me back in A&E. I haven't noticed anything too strong with regards to side effects so far aside from over-tiredness, the odd pain in my head and the odd little bout of anxiety. Hopefully this will not be a constant state, else it will make the trip over a not too nice experience. Well, no more than usual anyway.
Coming home on the train from Wales away my final exam last week left me lots of thinking time as I listened to MSP. It was a grey rainy sky and that always leads me towards maudlin thinking but this time I couldn't help but think back to the marriage and what might have been signposts towards its eventual decline. Mostly though I thought back to the moments leading up to the big leave and the horrible atmosphere and feelings that it generated. The knock away of my hand when we were in bed when I reached out to hold her, that morning kiss that was a staple of her morning routine before she left for work by kissing me on the forehead, all of that gone. It also made me think back to those dreams that we'd both share, particularly the ones where one of us would end up leaving the other and the awful feelings that would engender in us. It would upset us both to have such a dream and promises of it never happening to us were always made.
Who knew that they would actually come true? The background of the whys were never explained in the dram. If they had maybe she wouldn't have been so forthcoming with the promises and the such like?
'I had a dream last night whereby I left you. It was horrible. Until I realised that I'd left you because you had depression. After that I didn't feel so bad.'
So out of these thoughts and feelings came on the trip home and I let them too. Hiding them away or pushing them down into hidden darkness it ok for a part time solution but it eventually always come back bobbling to the surface. The next day it was better. I didn't feel too down about it and managed to construct a few days of gym and tasks that needed doing. However, that feeling, that yearning to have someone to hold and tell my problems to and for them to tell me theirs still exists. It's not as troublesome as it was but yeh, it's still there.
I suppose now I'm a bit more prepared for it, that is true but it still hurts. Well, not so much hurts as aches.
The below song was playing on my mind when thinking back to those feelings and ties in nicely with those dreams we both used to have.
It's odd that dreams can potentially shape a whole day upon waking. During the the fallout from the divorce they'd pretty much set the tone for the day, mood wise. Lately I thought I had gotten over that particular problem as the dreams I'd had about my ex-wife had less of a hold on me, as shown by the last blog entry. Until this morning that is. My sleep has been all over the place again and last night sleep was slow in coming. It was that slow that I could feel the full effects of my medication, the nausea, the drowsiness without the sleep and the un-rest in my legs. By the time I was due to get up my head was in a fuzz so what followed was more drowsy sleep and a dream of me and her, back in that small house in that small town almost as if nothing had happened or changed. When I woke up it felt as if I'd changed places, the reality was really the dream and the dream was really reality. For a split second or so that was the case until it faded away like a morning mist meeting the sun. The combination of the meds and that dream left me feeling utterly bereft. I haven't felt that bad over a dream for quite a while and the urge to hide away in bed was and is strong but so far I am just about resisting. Rightly or wrongly I was considering coming off my meds, mostly due to their aide effects which, as mentioned, can leave me feeling out of sorts. After this morning though it does give me pause for thought. Am I ready? I suppose whatever I decide these moments of missing will remain. At the moment it all feels like one step forward two steps back... This was a song that played in my head as I awoke. It was one of her favs and one that reminds me of her.
In the aftermath of the UK General Election I am feeling somewhat down. Not my usual down that is associated with that illness just a general sort of down. The result hasn't helped, what will happen to the already over-strained mental health services with them in charge keen of ever more cuts? but it seems to be more down to her not being here. I think it started with a dream that involved her as the TV played on with the in-coming Election results in the background early this morning. I had it on my mind to get to the gym and cinema to watch the new Avengers film. This morphed from thinking about going on my own to then considering going with her before I woke up and gradually realised that wasn't going to be possible. The result is now this residual feeling of miss and loss. I suppose it is some mark of the progress I have made without her that had this been months ago I would have been feeling even worse about it but as it is I'm feeling down, a little empty, yes but not in near despair as would have been more my previously usual reaction. Whenever the feeling of loss comes up or that feeling of dull ache crops up, especially today, I tend to browse dating sites in a superficial attempt to quiet it down. It rarely works and is no substitute for an all embracing hug but it seems to quell it for a few minutes or so. But that full ache comes back. That empty space of hers is sometimes so apparent and tangible that I don't know quite what to do with it or how to deal with its effects. It is getting better but the ache still lingers on as does my mind that always goes back to see what mistakes I made in the marriage. A fruitless task but something I struggle to stop especially on days like these.
"Time is how the trees grow. I will fall asleep for a thousand years and when I wake a mighty spruce tree will have raised me up high, high into the sky." Life After God: Douglas Coupland
Despite my current stable mood, even with the seemingly on-going over-sleeping that is again taking hold, I am very mindful of that black returning. Thinking about Robin William's passing and of others that I have read about I can't help but wonder if that black dog is, although out of sight, waiting in the shadows quietly biding it's time before leaping out to encompass me once more. That fear of it one day pushing me close to that edge where perhaps I take my life this time, is there. It's hidden away but I know it's there, packed away for the time being but it's right there and always will be. Facing up to having this illness for the rest of my days is scary and, even now despite me knowing it, is a lot to digest but knowing that I could go through this all over again is something I don't even want to think about. Mostly this is because I don't know what I would do if faced with it again. It takes it's toll, depression, sucks the life out of you, robbing you of the ability to feel for anything, things you used to enjoy, people and events you used to like attending, it goes to only leave you with not much at all aside from the dwindling ability to just about stay in bed and make a cup of tea and maybe watch a film or something. Those are small victory days. I've had plenty of them and the thought of going back to that brings me to mind of that Bruce Springsteen lyrics, '...end up like a dog that's been beat too much 'till you spend half your life just covering up.'
Every so often I have little moments of clarity. Despite me still missing my former I think now I am starting to see those missing moments for what they really are. Me missing the times and feelings garnered from those times spent together. I now longer have a partner to share good times with or do things with. Previously if I felt a bit down it wouldn't take long for that black wave to cover me. One thought would come and soon bring along a few more thoughts with it and so on until that was me ruined mood wise. Now I am starting to find little barriers against them. They are only small but that are something whereas before I had nothing. Earlier when I had that empty feeling in which space she used to live I started to try and think back to how she left me. The fact that, despite making a thing of the marriage vow about in sickness and in health, she me left when things got rough. She left me to my parents when at my worst. I need to remind myself and ask myself how can I seriously keep loving thoughts and feelings about someone who did that to me? Now, of course, I know the answer to that but previously it hasn't been that simple, what with those feelings, memories and the such like getting in the way of any clear thinking. Granted, it isn't much and those empty feelings will still linger after football tomorrow but after the last few years it is progress, no matter how small. This was the wonderful song I heard that first made me feel a little sad today. By the same token I also find it wonderfully calming too. It is a wonderful song about a wonderful painter. Enjoy.
Sometimes I wonder if she has or is going through similar to me. As the initiator of the divorce I tend to presume that she isn't but after our history together I do wonder. In fact, I started wondering after listening to the Hole song that the title inspired. Is she going through all the missing and yearnings? The going over the perceived mistakes that could have led on to the split? Does she have the same sadness and emptiness that I get when driving past a place we used to travel through or to when we were together? The songs we both liked, do they instill instant sadness as my memory or the memory of our once good times together come to the front of her mind? Does she have the dreams of us still together before she wakes up and realises that isn't her reality anymore? And if she does do they make her sad and want to return to what we had? Or was the divorce enough to completely kill of all her feelings about me and us? Or is she fooling herself in trying to keep those feelings from even surfacing at all? Hoping that they'll stay buried and that the next relationship she has will keep them buried deep? Does she ache at all? Whatever the answer I get no joy from it. I just wonder if she is the same girl that I loved or if her decision to leave me at my worst has changed her. It has certainly changed me.
When I was on my way to Uni practicals at the start of the week a thought came to me which was that when it comes to events and experiences I view them this way. They are obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. It has been that way for as long as I can remember and I can't really see it changing. In fact as I've gotten older it seems to be that more marked. Everyday events, getting a train to someplace is, for me, an exercise in controlling my mounting anxiety at such a task. The location of the seat, if I'll even get a seat, will the platform be full with lots of passengers waiting to get on the same train? The same goes for entering a coffee house. Is it a big queue? Will the shop be full? Will I have any place to sit? Can I sit near the exit? And on and on it goes. It just seems like these last few years or so have been harder to control those fears. It was something I could just about control but now it seems as though it is controlling me. I also know that when my anxiety is too bad and my black is equally so that is when I get ready to Control, Alt, Delete. I've lost many battles, as I have blogged here countless times the war continues until I don't. It will be my choice whether or not that happens.
It won't be long until the anniversary of my wedding, now first and only wedding, which will also coincide with the anniversary of the split/divorce. When I was a little younger I used to think that going through marriages and the such like would offer one some sort of wisdom, give one a certain take on life and make you exude sagacious wiseness. Internally I also tend to think that this has given me some sort of life experience which will in turn present me as being wise and having some wisdom on certain life experiences. Which it has to a certain extent but really all it has done is turn my heart a little harder. Now when I say this I don't mean it is the hardest of hearts as hard as stone more like it has a brittle inner that is shielding a much softer inner. All that experience has given me is a fear of becoming close and intimate to someone again. I'm not as wise as I think I am. Lately she has been on my mind but mostly I think it's the past and those good times and feelings from that time that are on my mind, whether I want to admit that or not. The urge to get in contact with her is strong. As is the urge to go back to a time when we were together living in that small town and all that came with it. how quickly would I go back to relive that period and all it's mistakes in an attempt to rectify them and perhaps change the future? All too readily, I'm afraid. And what is the one thing that calms me down, from not only this but all that is entwined with this black of mine? Facing the end is what. Sitting on the edge.....
No matter how many times I seem to get to this point or reach this level of feeling I still can't seem to shake it or get used to it. An event comes up I get nervous and immediately I yearn for me wife, my ex-wife. On and on it goes with no real lessening of the intensity of feelings. I really don't know how to shift it. And if I do attempt to shift the nerves, which is usually me cancelling something, that results in a brief pause of that feeling and annoyed feelings from who or whatever it is I have cried off from. I can only imagine the depth and intensity of feeling that will result from the forthcoming big move at the end of the summer. It's like I'm in some ineffable maze that I can't find my way out of no matter which way I turn. I try the same route but always end up back to the same. Sometimes distraction works but when-ever it comes back to my mind it sometimes feels worse in it's intensity. I really don't know what to do. Again.
Another passing of a favourite. I know I'm getting older when those in the public eye that I like/admire or respect have died. The Reaper Man was my first of his and still a favourite of mine. I was drawn to it by the fantastic cover art and then reading it, well, after that I was a fan.
I read this a few months ago on this football website. It describes a football manager but the last few words resonate greatly with me.
"Defensive indignation is never far from his psyche and there is always an air of melancholy about him these days, as though he feels cheated by life, somehow.
.....mirroring, as it does, our own sense that somewhere along the way we messed things up royally and are still paying the price."
That last line about, 'messing up royally' and 'still paying the price' really hit home for me as with the passing of these past few years that is what it feels like. That I'm being punished.
On the days where the clouds are thin and wispy I'm ok but even then it just feels as though that I'm waiting for it all to hit again. The day when those clouds will re-form and obscure everything.
With a move abroad on the way this fear increases. The what ifs start to mount. What if I'm bad when over there? What if I have days there that I have here?
For now I'm trying not to think of it though it is difficult. I'm starting to think that it will never shift. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should think of it never shifting? If I do perhaps it will stop me putting everything into an all or nothing scenario all the time. Perhaps my acceptance will take the pressure off? Even if I do take this line I think it will take time for me to believe in it. I think taking it day to day is my only answer. Letting that thought take hold moment to moment. As horrible as the thought is it may be my only way to escape all of this even if it is only a partial one.
Might as well be 3 months. Then again it might as well be 3
decades. Both time spans feel familiar depending on what sort of day I’m
having. If there is one thing I have learned in that time it is that you are constantly
trying and learn to live without that former permanent presence in your life. I
know that sounds like a blatantly obvious thing to type but there you go. It’s
not only trying to carry on without them but also learning to shut away those
things about them that you liked and found comforting. Learning that, if the
day comes when and if you meet someone else, everything will be new and that
sometimes that newness can be scary and disruptive. But it has to be.
Everything has to be new. Trying to think of the next one as a revamped former
will only lead to more messy heartache. It’s easy to forget how comforting a
partner can be, their likes and little ways become a part of you and your day
to day life. The way you can both shut out the world briefly and just enjoy
each others company with a DVD and some wine and some intimate chatter that is
something you miss acutely.
There is also something else that becomes apparent and
something I’d rather not have to live with. That being past mistakes in the
relationship in the magnifying glass of your mind’s eye with an all too
apparent HD like clarity. It’s there whether you want it to be or not, stood there;
silently staring at you breathing softly but noisily in that way that lets you
know they are there. Past arguments, mistakes that you would have done
differently if given the chance to go back, everything.
'Hey, remember that time when you weren't nice during that argument?'
Not now.
‘Deal with me.’
I can’t.
‘Remember me.’
I don’t want to.
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
And the guilt grows with nowhere to go with no way to
assuage it or even manage it.
I just have to hope that time will allow it to
shrink away because what else can I do with it?
There may be some hope as the last few times I have dreamt
about her I no longer wake up wanting the dream to carry on or waking up in an
emotional state.
It’s not much but after these last few years it’s a... well, see below.
Today is a struggle. I've had a few days off from a course I'm on and as I'm back on it tomorrow my usual responses are kicking in. I have and am enjoying the course but sometimes the lead up, whether it be this course or any other activity that needs me to leave my comfort area, can be a worrying time. This can entail either me generally worrying about the course, how will I do, what will happen, will I even get up on time? to just that general sort of blackness that can sometimes cover me at times like these. Today is one of those general black days where I am struggling to get motivated or do anything. I cancelled the gym as soon as I woke up as I had no energy for it. This might have been down to my heavy session yesterday which was the first one back after a week or two. But still, I used to be great for getting to the gym on consecutive days. Not no more it seems. I'll be lucky if I can get two days in a row now. Today has been mostly watching a Regular Show marathon on the Cartoon Network, trying to get my course homework done and listening to Pink Floyd. All whilst sipping at brews and snacking some. What is a little worrying to me is that I'm happy with this and could quite easily stay indoors doing the aforementioned, with maybe some video gaming or drawing thrown in and be quite content. I think I'm trying to sift between my day to day tasks, courses and the such like and my 'home life'. If I can get my head around them then tackling those same tasks becomes a little easier as I can and do tell myself that once this is done it's back home to music, comics, brews and bed, if I so wish. I am also acutely aware that this isn't the sort of behavior that will get me or keep me in any sort of a relationship. But so what? Are they the be all and end all of existence? Probably not though they are nice and comforting to be in. Still, that isn't a worry for me right now. The effects of the last one are something I'm still working through. But today, for a change, that doesn't seem to be the driving force behind this all too familiar episode. I'm slowly coming up with strategies to deal with it. Small ones, borne from experience, that do work. The most basic one is if I wake up and am having a really bad one then it's watch and/or listen. This being a film, dvd, catch up TV and listen being music on my headphones as I lay in bed. When it comes to doing stuff and having commitments then what I mentioned before, the if I do this today then I can go home and get to bed type ones seem to be working at the moment. I also broke from my usual norm and wrote to a friend during my episode last week and that did help. What my friend wrote back to me helped me focus and although getting up the next day was hard and I was still feeling the black I got up and out. What's on my mind at the moment though is, will days like these become the norm? Are they the norm? And if so, can I just accept that and work around them using the above? The way the last week or so has gone perhaps so. I don't think I have much of a choice in the matter. This illness is firmly entrenched.
Today is a struggle. And what seems to be making it a slow crawl through treacle sort of day is the slow onset of suicidal thoughts. I just can't seem to shake them and the longer they sit there in my mind, sat there quietly but breathing heavily reminding me of it's presence the more I think of ways to do it. I follow it through, what I would do, how I would leave things behind me. It'd be a train station, a smaller town one, fairly quiet, park the car with a note for whoever finds it. And then, wait until.... But would I take that step? I don't know but it is something that is playing over and over at the moment. I'm trying hard not to think about what I have in my life future wise as I'll just panic and worry over them. I won't seem them as opportunities, more obligations that I will screw up through my own passing which will add further stress and increase those thoughts. This near constant brinkmanship is wearing and boring but I don't know how to stop it. I've been in my bedroom all day, feeling empty, worn and tired, listening to MSP and PF. Thoughts of my ex-wife have brought me to near tears as I try and deal with the past and my missing her but I don't know how to. I think it's just this cold numbness inside that I'm finding hard to see past or shift that is making me crave her presence and a warm embrace from her. The urge to write to her an open letter on Facebook is once again very strong. But what would I say? I guess how much I miss her and how much it hurts not seeing her now. What would it accomplish though? What do I want from it? Do I want her words, do I want her back in my life? What is the end result here? What do I want? I ask myself this but I don't know the answer. I just... want her to hold me close...
'And the same picture plays over and over. And I'm in the back row, watching them.... ...in the grubby, broken cinema of memory. I'll go back to the corners of the past, even the shadowy, sordid corners... Just because you were there then. I'm trying to hang on, hang on to something even though I know it's gone. Even though I know you aren't there anymore. You. The loved one. You're gone. Nothing will change that. All I can do is pack away all the things I remember, put them in a drawer with all the other useless souvenirs. And just carry on.'
Lately I seem to be having a problem regarding food and my consumption of it. Last year I'd put on some weight, not a huge amount but enough to make me recoil in horror at what looked like the beginnings of a gut. As someone who has been into fitness, healthy diets and the such like consistently for close to a decade this was something of a shock. I managed to lose a bit of it when sure enough it happened again at the start of the New Year. More wobbly bits. So I took to more running and weights and the odd day of low calorie intake. Due to over-sleeping and my usual problems weights has slowed down some, running I manage to do at least twice a week, once if things are bad, like this week. Seemingly in lieu of that activity my hunger has increased. Is this due to comfort type eating or the side effects of my meds? Or as a pal remarked, are you just actually hungry? Yesterday this necessitated the downing of much tea, toast, jam and tea. Today, mostly soft cookies. And despite the shoveling of those soft cookies down me I am still kinda peckish. This is of course making me feel guilty as once I cave in to my hunger demands it makes me feel over-weight and generally pretty rubbish about myself which is something I don't need to add to the general rubbish feelings I already have anyway. So now I find myself trying to shove in manic exercise because of the food that I have taken in that I perceive to be hazardous to my weight and that cannot be good. I seem to be on the road of manic eating, massive guilt, trying to get in a lot of exercise but failing and then worrying about putting on weight again because I haven't exercised enough or ate the stuff I should eat. What a mess.
I had a bad day yesterday. My first really off day in a while. Which I suppose is something, especially when I consider last year's New Year start. After all it was this sort of time, maybe a bit later in the month, that I had a bad dip that almost culminated in another attempt at taking my life. It had all started so well on the Monday too. I'd played some Futsal and had played well and won the games and only drawn the once. I even had to remind myself on the way back home that it was ok to enjoy things in life sometimes. It's easy to get so swallowed up with this damn illness that you can feel a bit guilty whenever the feeling of enjoyment comes up. I tried to allow myself that moment of niceness as I listened to tunes on my music player letting the fays events sink in. The next day was fine, I had some training and had an injury to my jaw area but it didn't really prepare me for the day after where I felt worn, low and empty. It was a classic black day. No emotion, no energy just nothingness. I spent most of the day in bed, thankfully I didn't have much on and what I did have I cancelled. All I can do in a time like that is get the tea and toast on and stare at the TV. Maybe get some tunes on and read a comic on my tablet. Anything else is generally out. And that includes talking as well. It is something I have written about before but is this what I can expect from my life now? Is my black so entrenched that all I can hope for is days off from it's grip? And what's really scaring me, though I'm trying hard not to really think about it, is when I go abroad. What then if I have a bad day?
Words are very unnecessary
Thinking about embarking on finding a romantic relationship with that still surrounding me is worrying. In fact it's probably less worrying and more likely to make me not bother embarking. I know all to well how it ended the last time. The very thought of going through the closeness of a relationship scares me. And the less said about anything approaching a sexual relationship the better. Perhaps in this regard this is all on me. By that I mean to say that as someone pointed out to me last year people are different and just because my ex-wife reacted the way she did that's not to say the next girl in my life will. If I look back then I can see that did have some merit as I girl I did see didn't react to my illness the way I expected or feared but I don't think I was ready to try a relationship. She sensed me holding back and even though I didn't think I was at the time I must have been. And seeing what happened not long after that it was probably just as well I didn't. It was a shame as she was lovely and now she has moved on herself with a relationship. Still, the idea of it no matter how enticing is still scary. Perhaps I'm better off just not bothering?
I've probably put this video of P!nk up before but it bears repeating as, A) The song perfectly sums me up sometimes B) It influenced the title of this blog C) P!nk's ace! :) I remember watching this video a lot on MTV2 back in the day and loving it, not only because of the tune but how it practically seemed to be about me too. This was primarily because I was going through my first big depressive episode and it seemed to sum up what I was feeling and going through. During the second great depression it again became my own anthem as did many songs on that Mizunderstood album. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have and as much as it has kept me going throughout all these years.
So another Sunday, another run and another day of darkness and feeling empty inside. It took a lot of distractions to get rid of that nagging anxious feeling and a lot of distractions to rid that empty feeling of missing her. No matter how much time passes I wonder if I'm dome sort of inevitable path to my ultimate self destruction. Regardless of the odd side-road that I am sometimes diverted down that can fool me into a sense of losing that feeling I always seem to find myself back on this road. Seemingly.
...will never go away, baby it's here to stay
I say seemingly as I do and have generally pulled out of it. I do this by generally trying to just carry on and trying my best not to give in to that feeling, the voice that says, give up, stop. It is tempting and at times hard to resist as I have previously written about but having been there before I know that if I do give up and give in to that feeling and that voice I'll find it harder to get out and get going and the guilt that will follow will be crushing as I do have commitments. I hate it but sometimes it is very hard to resist. Very hard.
Me vs Me
My run almost didn't happen as I wasn't feeling it at all, the urge to get up and out wasn't there. I near enough forced myself out by reminding myself that a) no runs equal a chubbier me and b) it's been one month since I last started my new year runs and one month since tackling the hill that I mentioned in my last entry. That time on New Year's Day I struggled and ended up walking a section of it. This time I completed it and managed to keep on moving in a run/jog sort of manner. That effort seems to have leveled out my bad feelings and at the moment I feel ok. Not particularly up but thankfully not too far down either. Which after earlier on before the run is an improvement, of sorts. Still, the way I am and the way I have been I'll take any improvement. comparing this year's entries to last year's is also a marked improvement. Though saying that Feb 2014 did almost culminate in another suicide attempt. Still, baby steps and it is so far, so good. But, well it's all getting far too repetitive. Again. At least the Super-Bowl is on later.
Thinking about relationships or even attempting to embark on one is causing me some confusion. Confusion that is rising from do I or don't I? As I've covered before in previous posts, I still miss my wife. My ex-wife. Earlier this week when I passed a garden centre and saw an advert for coal and logs it immediately transported me back to a time when we had our own open fire and would buy logs or home make our own fire-lighter bricks and the ache inside deep inside was strong. It reverberated around like a yearning. A yearning for my old life with her. With all of that can I really expect to start anew with someone else, with all of that still swirling around inside, ready to unleash on me whenever something of her pops up to remind me? It feels like it's lying there dormant just waiting to unleash memories and feelings as soon as something triggers it. Much like certain blogs or websites use Trigger Warnings to warn individuals of certain elements contained within I think I should have the same scattered throughout my life to warn me of potential hazards. 'Trigger Warning: Passing through that area we used to both drive through together' 'Trigger Warning: Playing a song you both discovered and liked' 'Trigger Warning: Feeling stressed waiting for that hug she used to give you' The whole thing is tiring but I don't know how to curb it all. Perhaps I can't and time is the only way. I try to remind myself of what she did and that sometimes helps but the feelings still linger. One day soon she will be nothing more than a memory. One day. 'It's unreal now you're gone...'
Whilst running this evening I think I've worked out why I not only like outdoors running but outdoors running when it is dark, cold and possibly raining and/or snowing. I think it pretty much replicates my mind during these dark periods, during these anxious times when I struggle to do anything, when the thought of going anywhere or doing anything near enough paralyses me into doing nothing. Ever since I began running it soon became clear that the biggest opponent I'd ever face was myself. And even today after all those years of fitness and running now behind me it still rings true. I've taken to running up an, at times, undulating but pretty steep hill not far from where I live. It used to be an accident hot spot for cars, particularly in bad weather (Whenever I'm out running at night I make sure I wear bright near outlandish running gear. I will not not be seen) and running it can be pretty tough. I've only tackled the whole thing twice and am steadily increasing my range with regards to running the whole thing again soon. Whenever I do run it, whether it's the whole thing or part of it the goal is always the same, to keep on moving, to keep on running even if it is only shuffling my feet up that hill. Making sure that voice that wants me to stop, to walk when the pain in my legs grows and they become heavy or if I'm struggling to get air into my lungs I try my best to shut that voice out and stop it being heard. This is what I mean by me being the biggest opponent because whether it's running or just day to say tasks I'm trying my best to overcome that opponent. I'm trying hard to overcome me.
'Though his body says stop, his spirit cries, NEVER!'
It is now just over 4 years since the beginnings of this black and getting close now to 3 years since the beginnings of the divorce. I was thinking about that, the divorce, this morning. I was thinking about how I tend to enumerate most things and how especially regarding the divorce I am counting the years as they pass like a prisoner counting down the days and years but in reverse, knowing that there isn't anything to look forward to with regard to a release from all of this. Well, nothing definitive. There will be no 'closure' only peace. How long this will take though, I have no idea. As much as I want it to fade away it won't. How can it? How can all those years, those memories, good times, bad times and all in-between just disappear like that? They served as a running stream of emotion that kept the relationship burning so I can't really expect it to just quickly fade from my memory box. No matter how much I might want it to in light of the divorce. What makes it harder to push myself away from those times are the odd moments of intense separation that I feel for her, times where we went away together or just spent time together like say today, a simple Sunday. Maybe we'd have gone out for a walk together, maybe not. But we'd have been together and she'd be there. Earlier on I was looking at a ski-ing holiday and that immediately reprised memories of our first holiday together which was also our first time ski-ing together. Seeing the advert for that holiday was a stark reminder that for now a trip away 'together' isn't happening. When I was driving home a couple of weeks ago I had my usual pang of missing her when going through a route that we lived near and I remember consciously asking myself why I was missing her, why I was feeling this way considering how she left me and why she left me and I think it was or rather is because part of me deep deep down doesn't want to let the memory of her go because to do so would equal more hurt and would give in to the realisation that it truly is the end. Have I truly let her go and let my mind accept that it is over and that it is the end? 'I wonder what you're doing now, I hope you're feeling happy now'
This is a very honest appraisal of a relationship and makes me want to see the film that it writes about as well. Since the divorce I relate to a lot of this. Fears of a realtionship
Another Sunday, another run done. It was a bit longer and bit harder this time around but that's good as it means I'm always progressing with little steps. I was decked out in bright clothing and had no fear of not being seen out in the cold night air. Every-time I run and every-time I'm starting to feel it in my legs or lungs as they start to feel fit to burst (sometimes when really bad I can feel it in my stomach too as that really does feel like it's going to pop) I always try and equate it to current anxiety problems and barriers. If I can get past this or run up this hill and not stop, I say to myself then I can overcome, whatever is on my mind or whatever is next in the following days. I always makes sure I have inspiring music, well inspiring to me anyway, that always pushes me that little bit further or just keeps me moving. I'm not racing, I'm running against myself and it doesn't matter how fast I'm going as long as I'm running and that I'm keeping on moving. I just have to remember that when I'm not running. Like the song says, moving just keep on moving.
Eventually waking up today I wanted to cancel everything, shut it all out and hide in bed. Again. I missed out on the gym but did get out for a run and I liked it, mostly because it was dark, windy, snowy and then rainy. Odd isn't it? I can get out for a run in all weathers yet the thought of going out to a party, to play in certain team sports or to just get out and do whatever I need to do on that particular day can leave me hiding under the duvet. My face and hands were numb from cold and my lips were too, snow melted to my lips, yet on I went. I think I know why as I've mentioned before. Punishment. That's most of it. If I can't self harm anymore then this is the next best thing. George: Just be yourself, Yosser. Yosser:What if you don't like yourself? Boys from the Blackstuff
I don't know how it exactly started. Was it the thought of her and the intense feeling of missing her, her presence, her calming presence that was the beginning? Or was it the general sense of darkness that slowly started to envelope me, gently but ever so surely until I didn't even realise that I was up to my neck in it? I felt bad, mentally and physically and by the time I got myself to bed and plugged in the Manics I was trying hard not to let it succumb. But succumb it did as it usually does and when it did feelings and thoughts soon turned to suicide. Suicide to stop all of this. It also became apparent to me that sometimes my suicidal thoughts are there to actually calm me down, soothe me, as off the wall as that sounds. Mostly they seem to pop up when I can't see a way out of this. All I can see are flat moments, the odd plateau, when I try and look ahead. If I look hard can I see another chance at a long term relationship? A career, a stable one without all of this... illness?
Can't let love back in....
That's even assuming I try and properly look for one and stop my messing about browsing and being ignored on that POF site. The one chance I had for a relationship there, well it wasn't the right time. I think I was holding back. Miss C seemed to think so. I think deep down I'm scared of what will happen if I do connect with someone, face to face, and a relationship begins. It could start off great, stars, rainbows, good shared times and feelings but what if it strikes? What if it strikes when we've established a good relationship? Will she be understanding or will she start off like that and ultimately do what my ex did and well, do one? Can I really go through that, put myself through that again? That's a lot of 'ifs' I know but still, the thoughts are there. How can they be not after last time? Today hasn't been the best. I shut out the rest and made the best excuse I could to get out of my scheduled things for today, hiding under the covers, eating little -doritos, cereal, olives- and mostly watching DVDs. It's days like these that scare me the most, especially when I consider the new job and new country that awaits me later this year. When I was a kid I always thought that as soon as I was older, a grown up, it would be easier and that everything would be sorted and stable. I'd be instantly liked and respected because I was an older wiser adult and that life would be sorted. I'd also have a mustache. Not quite eh? Apart from the 'tache during November. That bit's simple. Not quite so the rest.
So here we all are, a new year, a chance to... hmm, I'll stop there. You've heard all before, I've heard it and said it all before. Yeh. Last year's new year wasn't the best and that kinda lingered for a while with some big peaks and deep troughs, the odd calm moments in March/April before properly plateauing around May time. My last suicidal urge was late February and hopefully I won't go through similar this time around. It started in January and was sort of triggered by a river I walk past most days. Whenever I pass by that river now I always get the odd flashback as it was a place I kept resisting the urge to leap into at the start of last year. You can read through those times in last year's January blog entry if you'd like. I might myself at one point to see how bad I was. This year so far so fairly normal, for me. I started off with a run on new year's day and have so far kept up the running and gym visits. Mind you, it is still early. I mean, what is it so far, one week and bit in? I'm enjoying my outdoor runs though. Even if the weather isn't the best or it's rainy or windy I like it. Running in darkness is fine too as there are very few people about. I just put on some bright gear, plug in my music and I'm off. Right now I'm back to hitting the odd long hill too. The feeling of the cold air in my lungs and the heavy pain in my legs sometimes has a cleansing effect on me, it sort of clears my head as all I have to really think about and concentrate on is moving and keeping on moving trying my best not to stop and walk because I'm puffed out or my legs are too heavy. I just have to keep on moving, even if it's a slow shuffle, keep on moving, keep on running. When I'm going up that hill I tend to keep my head down as if I look at what's to come mentally it deflates me and it's hard enough to run without added pressure. I remember during my first and thankfully so far, only attempt at suicide the walk I took was almost as head clearing as deciding to take my life. Now though, I prefer to run as at times I seek the pain from it. I'm not sure why but I suspect it's a hangover from my self harming days. It's my small way of punishing myself, I think. It's also helping me lose a little bit of weight that I've been carrying around in various sizes for the past year too. Let's hope I can keep it up.
Posts
