Wednesday, 15 October 2014

The World has turned and left me here...

So, my second year has started and so far so good (despite a current set-back of flu and food poisoning which has left me with a diet of digestive biccies and rusks) and with regards to the deep black it is starting to ebb. I haven't felt this clear for a long time, clear of that greying numbness, clear of the nullifying anxiety. I still get the odd explosion of nerves and doubt but they are manageable. Fairly.
Lately, however, my ex-wife has been creeping into my thoughts. I'm not sure why, maybe it's all starting to seep out now after the numbness of the depression? Stuck beneath it's depths up it pops after being stuck beneath its darkness. Maybe? I'm not sure but what it is giving me is a sense of loss and sadness. The way she ended it, the way I took it and well, just missing her and missing her from my life.

"...just where I was before you appeared. And in your place an empty space..."

Some days I really do miss her; I miss her presence and I miss her counsel when I needed it her calming words were such a help. I also miss her as a lover, a partner and most of all as a friend. 
I allowed the feelings to take over yesterday and even sneaked a long peek at some older honeymoon pics that I have stored on my games system. It was a mix of nostalgia, happiness and bemusement at the arguments we had over which I still can't remember what they were really about. It also made me long for Italy too and brought to mind my mild ambition to work over there, specifically in Verona. What a city that was. Mind you, I would need to sort out my Italian linguistic skills. Or rather limited skills. And that's not even mentioning my German ambitions and more lack (litotes?) of linguistic skills.
It's nice to have ambitions, I guess.
So with these feelings about her I suppose there isn't much I can do about it. It's difficult to really talk to anyone about it apart from a select few who would get it and even then when that is done I still have to deal with it on my own but I don't know how to. 
Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I don't have to deal with it in the sense that there isn't anything to deal with except, well acceptance. Leaving that feeling and memory alone, knowing why it's there and why bothering me, acknowledging it when it resurfaces and, when appropriate indulging in either nostalgia or sadness. 
Is that the way for peace for me?
Within me?
If I want to move on and attempt at any sort of a relationship I think that it is.

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