Winter is Coming

Recently my dreams have been quite vivid. One I had recently had me watching a thick freezing fog slowly envelope me and all the while I knew it was happening and that I couldn't do anything about it. I think I was describing it as it was happening to me, knowing that it would be hard to escape from. I’m hoping that this was more a reflective type of dream rather than anything of a forewarning. 

Really hoping. Hoping hard. And my ex-wife has featured in these dreams too. I can’t remember how she featured but I do know that she did feature in them. 

My dreams, depending on what I’m up to do that day, tend to be layered. A big involved dream, wake up briefly and then lots of little dreams afterwards. Those dreams still unsettle me but at least they don’t ruin me for the day like they used to. But they still leave an imprint. I don’t know how long it will take until I’m free of her and the past. Maybe I never will be. But where does that leave me with regards to future relationships? It makes me very nervous indeed and not at all keen to pursue one. The trouble is I am craving going out with female company, window shopping, coffee shop chats, playful flirting meals and the such like but it’s not happening right now but considering what I've just written maybe that’s just as well? To pursue or not to pursue?

And if that wasn't bad enough, Xmas is coming. 

Xmas’ for me haven’t been the best, last year’s after my return from the US was particularly bad and seemed to be the precursor to an awful start to the new year. I did have plans to leave for another country but the problem with that was being alone and having no agenda as to what to do when away. Maybe it would have made me feel worse? I’m not sure but I wasn't keen on taking the risk so here I will stay this Xmas. I had dreams about y fears in the summer, I was worrying about it that much but the dreams had me doing other things, coaching in Germany, time spent in the US, enjoying Xmas and completely forgetting my previous bad Xmas’ and previous Xmas worry. 

Now hopefully those dreams were a foretelling of a possible future. 

That’s what I’m hoping. Really hoping.