Monday, 14 March 2016


I suppose I cannot continue on with my life and not expect the odd wobble. The relief you have from getting through that long dense period of black can be quite spellbinding though and any threat of its return makes you fretful. I have had some wobbles before after such periods but it always un-nerves me some because there is always that fear of returning back to it fully. I had one a couple of weeks ago. 
It wasn't awful but it was enough to unsteady me. I felt it after a particularly hard run the day before and wondered if the run had anything to do with it but I suppose I cant really be sure. Whatever it was or wasn't the next day was a slump. The usual feelings coupled with that heavy weight feeling were ever present and left me in bed, keen to cancel any and all activities. It's always as soon as I wake up. The fear. That panic, that anxious oppressive feeling which determines what I do or rather what I won't do in the coming hours. It wasn't nearly as bad as times before but it was bad enough to make me want to lie low, hide away from everything. Thankfully it only lasted a day or so but it did scare me. This is what I feared prior to my return home from abroad. A return to how I was. 
At the moment only the odd little wobble has seen me return to anything like that, for the most part I have been clear of all that but it's hard not to be concerned and worry about it. Keeping out and away from it, that's my goal because a return to it is just too much to bear.

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