Monday, 26 June 2017

He huffed and puffed but could not make it go in. Upon looking, he realised he was trying to put his square peg into a circular hole.

Currently I am reading Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy and it is chiming muchly with me. It is a book I have to take my time with and doesn't read quickly but I am enjoying the language and slowness of it. Mostly because Jude's tale is matching my own lot right now. Particularly his attempt to better himself and move to the city of his dreams where he thinks all will be better for him and he will be a man transformed. I am in the third section at the moment and his dream has currently ended leaving him feeling, melancholy mad. (A phrase which I read and knew I had to put into my blog as a new title). Which is where I am after some news today.
We have, or I have, been here before. Last year, late September. There is a video link there for a perfectly sums up my experience then and now by Stewart Lee regarding not dreaming, not getting what you want. Aside from that and going for a few hill sprints there isn't anything I can to do to get over this feeling. It feels a little bit like having burnt my tongue. Nothing will bring those taste buds back to life but time. But even then I think this feeling will linger some. I had too much hope. Before I had breezed through the process but this time before I had even started my nerves kicked in, expectation was high. All that anxiety brought on by... well, me. As per usual. And, although I tried, I could not escape it or settle down before I had started. 
When I saw the email this morning with those all too familiar, you have not been successful at this time, words I wasn't surprised. I had failed. To use a running metaphor, I hadn't even made it beyond the qualifying race to the big event itself. Pathetic. The only upside is that, although I am hammering myself mentally and physically, I am resisting the big time sink into the ground option that would have been my go to when really in the deep black. 
My experiences have taught me to know the difference between the two and I suppose that is something. Once, or when I eventually get over this, I am sure I will appreciate that more.

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