Out of the Picture

It's odd that dreams can potentially shape a whole day upon waking. During the the fallout from the divorce they'd pretty much set the tone for the day, mood wise. Lately I thought I had gotten over that particular problem as the dreams I'd had about my ex-wife had less of a hold on me, as shown by the last blog entry. Until this morning that is. My sleep has been all over the place again and last night sleep was slow in coming. It was that slow that I could feel the full effects of my medication, the nausea, the drowsiness without the sleep and the un-rest in my legs. By the time I was due to get up my head was in a fuzz so what followed was more drowsy sleep and a dream of me and her, back in that small house in that small town almost as if nothing had happened or changed. When I woke up it felt as if I'd changed places, the reality was really the dream and the dream was really reality. For a split second or so that was the case until it faded away like a morning mist meeting the sun. The combination of the meds and that dream left me feeling utterly bereft. I haven't felt that bad over a dream for quite a while and the urge to hide away in bed was and is strong but so far I am just about resisting. Rightly or wrongly I was considering coming off my meds, mostly due to their aide effects which, as mentioned, can leave me feeling out of sorts. After this morning though it does give me pause for thought. Am I ready? I suppose whatever I decide these moments of missing will remain. At the moment it all feels like one step forward two steps back...

This was a song that played in my head as I awoke. It was one of her favs and one that reminds me of her.

Running on Vince DeCola

Whilst running this evening I think I've worked out why I not only like outdoors running but outdoors running when it is dark, cold and possibly raining and/or snowing. I think it pretty much replicates my mind during these dark periods, during these anxious times when I struggle to do anything, when the thought of going anywhere or doing anything near enough paralyses me into doing nothing. 
Ever since I began running it soon became clear that the biggest opponent I'd ever face was myself. And even today after all those years of fitness and running now behind me it still rings true. I've taken to running up an, at times, undulating but pretty steep hill not far from where I live. It used to be an accident hot spot for cars, particularly in bad weather (Whenever I'm out running at night I make sure I wear bright near outlandish running gear. I will not not be seen) and running it can be pretty tough. I've only tackled the whole thing twice and am steadily increasing my range with regards to running the whole thing again soon. Whenever I do run it, whether it's the whole thing or part of it the goal is always the same, to keep on moving, to keep on running even if it is only shuffling my feet up that hill. Making sure that voice that wants me to stop, to walk when the pain in my legs grows and they become heavy or if I'm struggling to get air into my lungs I try my best to shut that voice out and stop it being heard. This is what I mean by me being the biggest opponent because whether it's running or just day to say tasks I'm trying my best to overcome that opponent. 
I'm trying hard to overcome me.

'Though his body says stop, his spirit cries, NEVER!'

I try to walk in a straight line

I had the oddest and not the nicest dream ever last night. It involved Steven Gerrard (not a fan of him or his team) and my wife, not like that you filthy dogs! Anyhow, for some reason I was wearing a t-shirt with his face on it to a dinner that he was attending and wearing a suit jacket over it, odd. Even odder was my Aunty suddenly appearing and telling me after I took my jacket off how silly it was of me to wear it when she knew I wasn't a fan. Anyway, Gerrard was ok with me and then cool with me. During all of this my former made an appearance and she sort of spoke to me and I spoke back saying, oh so you're talking to me then?
After that, I can't recall what I said but I know by the tone and the result I wasn't nice to her. I think my brain threw all of the subconscious thoughts and feelings I had/have in the form of questions at her which resulted in her leaving in floods of tears. not long after that, she died! And then I nearly did when Gerrard tried to kill me in  a mobile scooter accident we were both in. Blimey O!
I awoke feeling very odd indeed and a bit sad too. I never did like seeing her cry or sad though it seemed to happen during our time together. That is the one face of hers that my  mind keeps conjuring up too, her being in pain or crying. It pops up now and again as if to torture me somehow. Hmm.
The song with the link below featured in my dream and I think kick started it as I listened to it before bed, well, before bed at half 2 in the am. It was one of her favs and one we sang along to when we saw them last year. Played it today and heard it on the radio this evening. Seemed kind apt.
My mum asked if I believed it could happen and I said, no but that wasn't the point. It was the feeling it left behind this morning. 
Why does my mind seemingly hate me?
Feeling tired which is good as I'm up early tomorrow for an appointment.
We shall see if I sleep or it's another all nighter.

I wish I had a bottle