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Blue. It’s a colour, it’s a (sort of) film genre and add an ‘s’
and it’s a music one too. When it comes to describing how you feel it can sum
it up quite well, feeling blue. But when it goes beyond the simple, feeling a
bit blue after listening to some Alice in Chains, watching ‘Warhorse’, watching my team lose again, etc and carries on for days, weeks and
beyond, is it the blues then? Hello depression my old friend. This is when blue
melds into black because although rarely stated that is the colour of
depression. It’s also something I’ll be calling it from now on.
Black.
I’ve had it and currently have it at the moment. It started
(officially) at the start of the year although I suppose if I think about it it
started long before that, maybe last Oct/Nov time? Looking back it was the way I felt about everything or rather didn’t
feel about everything. I was starting to feel numb to it all. Confidence ebbs
away, not a big wash out it just slowly ebbs like a tiny leak in your mind and
along with it goes your hopes and aspirations and any sense of a future doing
anything. Before you know it that get up and go that keeps you on your toes or
even keeps you out of bed of a morning has quite simply done one. You’d try and
find it but you just feel too damn tired and low to even try. Small fears
become magnified too; kinda like looking at an ant under a microscope, without
it it’s a small tiny ant you’d normally ignore. However, under magnification it
looks huge, frightening and something that could easily overwhelm you. And
that’s the effects of black. I remember going to bed of a night, quite late and
sliding under the covers with a sense of fear fear of the future (or lack
thereof) fear of what I was going to do and a fear of meeting the very next
day. My mind was constructing its own prison and parole was nowhere near in
sight. Suicide cropped up in my thoughts and one day attempting to kill myself,
to my mind, seemed like the most natural thing to do. I didn’t and I haven’t
yet but the thoughts are still there. I knew something had to give when out
driving back in Jan. I was listening to Pink and her song, ‘Don’t let me get me’,
and as I was listening I kept thinking how the lyrics were practically
describing my thoughts and my life as it was, ‘don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else.’ It was as Rik Mayall has been saying of late, Bang
on. Coming home and listening to more music and feeling as though my world was
crumbling around me I told my then wife and she had me go to the Doctors. My
black had officially begun and been recognized.
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