Superunknown

Before I carry on with my spiel for today here’s a link that may help you in finding out about the sorts of depression you may have or may know someone else could have.

Types of black

So this past Friday, 22^nd June in case yer interested,  was a bad one for me. Night time was even worse as sleep wise I got none until the break of day. What made it worse was that I had an assessment and a long(ish) drive the next day. Which didn’t happen. Fatigued and out of it, I would have failed it for sure.

You see with black you either don’t sleep or you sleep too much. There is no balance. Sometimes you consume a lot of biscuits and tea too and tend to watch films just to keep your noggin’ occupied from its continuous thoughts that is if you’re not falling asleep of course through being too tired to do anything. Reminds me of being a teenager. Or a student.

So during my time in bed and not sleeping I got up and made a cup of hot milk and cinnamon and warmed up a slice of hot fudge cake. I thought it might relax me, which it did but not enough to allow me to nod off.  But to heck with it it sure was yummy! The thing it did achieve however, aside from eventually making me feel a bit spacey, was help turn my thoughts down. Sometimes, especially before bed, when the lights are off and it’s you and you alone, the inner voice awakes from its daytime slumber for playtime in your head. Everything and anything is up for its exploitation. The depression, the consequences of it (more on that later) what the future won’t hold, the failures, the list is endless. It’s your worst critic because well, it’s you and who knows you, good, ill or bad, like you. Nothing is spared and the only recourse is to tell yourself to shut it or do something else anything else to silence the critic within. The critic within that is like an unwanted DVD commentary that you can’t turn off. That in itself becomes wearing too, the constant battle against the self. Everyone has an inner critic but on bad black days its non-stop and always seems worse at night just before you need to relax and sleep. So thanks to that my sleep pattern is a bit off at the moment which of course helps nothing and contributes to feeding the black. Prior to the black, as I told you, I didn’t really know what caused it and I still don’t really. Now however I have a reason for it to continue.

 Song of the day: Soundgarden: Fell on Black Days