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It’s been a right old mixed bag of naffness recently tied up with
ok-ness. I’ve managed to get some things done and have actually gotten out of
the house to the gym, to the odd interview and to my activity that sometimes my
former shows up to as well. On that point, she’ll be there this coming weekend.
Not good and something I’m trying not to think about but hey ho. Recently this
other activity has allowed me to open up to my friends there and get a bit
boozy and teary with some of them too. Moments of closeness were had as on 2
occasions I opened up during a chat that was spiked with alcohol and a feeling
of just letting go and not holding back as I told a few why I hadn’t been in
lately.
I have also tried my hand at flirting and the such like. I know
I’ve mentioned T before and I’m still seeing her but relationship wise I’m fine
with casual. It has to be that way and she is ok with it. Hence it also gives
me a chance to try my hand at chatting, flirting and sometimes dancing.
Sometimes badly. It was fun though and although obviously out of practise, how
do you proclaim you intentions without being so flippin’ obvious? it was good
fun.
Monday wasn’t the best but I did manage to get some controlled
dreaming from it. I pretty much controlled it from content to persons involved
and had once moment where I decided to do what I want by shouting curse words?!
Odd but kind of fun. The best bit was asking why certain people in had changed their
appearance and then having them change right back to how I first saw them. I
then also asked a person who was very nice in my dream, Disney nice, why I
couldn’t be. Failing to realise I was essentially asking myself. And then
yesterday it all went wrong as I dreamed about her. I asked her over and over
again why she wouldn’t talk to me, why we couldn’t sort it out only to be faced
with silence and a tiny smile. This went on until I broke down in my dream.
A bright and breezy opening for me eh? Now ? Now it’s back to normal. Today I’m in an odd state of being, kind of out of it but still in it. The old feeling of looking in, being an observer of life rather than partaking in it. My head feels as though it’s been laid with crushed velvet and I feel as low as I have ever done. All I keep thinking about is her. What I did wrong previously, why my black had to come and spoil everything, why I made her cry at times and how much I’ll miss her and the things we did together. A jumbled mess like a bowl of Neapolitan ice-cream all mixed and mashed up together with the darker colour winning out, just like now.
Over and over again like a dvd on loop I see her, tears falling,
the sound she made when she cried, in my mind’s eye until it garners an inner
reaction from my gut. I know it’s affected me as my usual activities matter not
a jot, gym, writing etc. I can barely move, preferring to hug myself on the bed
with my usual tunes blaring out. The urge to find a dark corner and disappear
is strong as is the urge to SI.
Silly old me didn’t help himself at the weekend though by boozing.
Not heavily but enough to make sure the bill was paid later on. This however is
extra, the black and my inner self taking advantage, its mental boot hovering over
my inner self ready to drop and push me down at a moments notice.
Maybe they should call if the black boot of depression? Because that’s
what it feels like sometimes, one big boot ready to smash you down whenever it
wants. Black dog is too benign for me, it suggests a sort of innocence and
right now this feels anything but innocent. Oh my days will it ever end?
SI or scoffing some white choc’ with tea? Ahh nuts to it.
Sweet melted choc' will at least give a little lift.
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