There's no escape...

The last couple of days for some reason have been hard. My mind will not let go. I watched a programme called ‘The entire history of you’ the other day. In it there was technology whereby you could record your life, memories and everything around you, your entire history basically. By the end the main characters relationship had broken down and he found himself rewinding and going over older happier memories in his by now empty house. This was too much and he ended up removing it from his head. This affected me a bit as it’s something I’m doing sans the memory device that can be removed. It seems to be creeping in a fair old bit lately. Thurs was one as I revisited my former surroundings back when I was married. On an aside I also miss that home and part of me is sad that I’m away from it. Maybe one day…

Yesterday was bad for it and left me as listless as ever as my mind went over us over and over again. Apparently during the final move back I told my mum that nothing mattered as it was all my fault. I don’t recall saying this but it sort of makes sense. If I hadn’t had the black maybe…. Hmmm. Who can tell eh? It breaks me up that my former had neither the will nor the inclination to hold it out with me despite telling me that we’d get through it together. So here I now sit with only a mix of memories, Pink! Playing and a feeling of numbness that is gently sapping my energy and will to do anything other than cogitate and exist. Just.

This world is hard, it's cold, it's agony