Meme time

Wishing Well

This past Monday I had a little lapse. It had all started well enough but after browsing in some shops, looking for something but generally just nosing around I started to think back to when me and her used to shop. It was probably because a shop that I was in was one we did actually shop together in, only the once but it still brought to life a previously dormant memory. And as that memory came and went I saw other couples shopping together and the memory became stronger. Even leaving the shop didn't help and as I began to slowly trudge around the shopping centre I could almost see me and her walking around shopping as we had done those four years ago in my mind's eyes. As it happened I briefly wished that I could forgo everything just to go back and start again with her. 

Couldn't I? Please?

'Memories haunt me like a curse'

After that I felt myself draining away and it wasn't until I started my day’s activities that I forgot it all. It seems the only way I can keep it at bay. 

Still.

Wishes. I wish, I wish, I wish. If there was a wishing well it would surely have run dry by now. Would I really want to go back? Probably not. Even if that magical reality came true all it would do is reset the clock. All I’d be doing is rewinding the film, playing it over and over, enjoying the scenes time and again. But sooner or later the film has to stop, it has to reach it’s ending, it's conclusion no matter how painful or sad it is. With Xmas shopping now in full flow, the sight of couples and families shopping is difficult to endure and no matter who hard I wish I’ll never be able to rewind the film. Because right now and I'm sure in time to come I will want to rewind my film.

Today is a bad day.

'Let me hide under the sheets...'

Winter is Coming

Recently my dreams have been quite vivid. One I had recently had me watching a thick freezing fog slowly envelope me and all the while I knew it was happening and that I couldn't do anything about it. I think I was describing it as it was happening to me, knowing that it would be hard to escape from. I’m hoping that this was more a reflective type of dream rather than anything of a forewarning. 

Really hoping. Hoping hard. And my ex-wife has featured in these dreams too. I can’t remember how she featured but I do know that she did feature in them. 

My dreams, depending on what I’m up to do that day, tend to be layered. A big involved dream, wake up briefly and then lots of little dreams afterwards. Those dreams still unsettle me but at least they don’t ruin me for the day like they used to. But they still leave an imprint. I don’t know how long it will take until I’m free of her and the past. Maybe I never will be. But where does that leave me with regards to future relationships? It makes me very nervous indeed and not at all keen to pursue one. The trouble is I am craving going out with female company, window shopping, coffee shop chats, playful flirting meals and the such like but it’s not happening right now but considering what I've just written maybe that’s just as well? To pursue or not to pursue?

And if that wasn't bad enough, Xmas is coming. 

Xmas’ for me haven’t been the best, last year’s after my return from the US was particularly bad and seemed to be the precursor to an awful start to the new year. I did have plans to leave for another country but the problem with that was being alone and having no agenda as to what to do when away. Maybe it would have made me feel worse? I’m not sure but I wasn't keen on taking the risk so here I will stay this Xmas. I had dreams about y fears in the summer, I was worrying about it that much but the dreams had me doing other things, coaching in Germany, time spent in the US, enjoying Xmas and completely forgetting my previous bad Xmas’ and previous Xmas worry. 

Now hopefully those dreams were a foretelling of a possible future. 

That’s what I’m hoping. Really hoping.

The loneliness of the goalkeeper

Whenever I arrive in a new place, be it city or shop I'm always comforted by the presence of foreign students or newly arrived immigrants. This is because seeing them and hearing them makes me feel less isolated and alone because I know that they too are getting used to their surroundings and a potential new routine as well as me. 
It started years ago when I used to gig in London. I used to feel like a tiny any lost among the throng of locals. It didn't take too long for me to soon moan about the tourists and their incorrect use of the tube escalator like the natives but it is something I still seem to fall back on whenever in a new situation.
At the moment I'm playing 11-a-side football as goalkeeper. This is a stressful position at the best of times and may seem an odd choice considering my depressive past and current present. Since reading Robert Enke's biography, A life too short, it inspired me to get back into it all. It was the last position I played at 6th form so it seemed a natural position to get back into. What I didn't take into account, however, was my state of mind in playing. The nerves, the fear of messing it up, thoughts of others and general pressure of play. All of these mixed together presented a mountain to try and climb. My first game this season went to expectations that I had to deal with. My first game pretty much matched those expectations as in it went badly. First shot on my goal, I rushed it and it went between my legs. 
Swallow me up now ground, swallow me up now! It didn't and after that it got a little bit better, hey, it couldn't have gotten any worse could it? 
It's a lonely position but for all the perceived minus' it suits me to play it. It's taken a long time but I finally seem comfortable playing and do, just about, look forward to playing it.
I have had my moments of not playing and thinking up an excuse to not play when at my lowest. Like I've stated previously on this blog I'm getting quite good at lying. It has helped me enormously. It's just a lot easier than saying, 'Hey, I'm having a bad day. Probably best if I don't play today.' 
I just dare not risk putting that out there yet.