Three

3

3 years since the divorce.

Might as well be 3 months. Then again it might as well be 3 decades. Both time spans feel familiar depending on what sort of day I’m having. If there is one thing I have learned in that time it is that you are constantly trying and learn to live without that former permanent presence in your life. I know that sounds like a blatantly obvious thing to type but there you go. It’s not only trying to carry on without them but also learning to shut away those things about them that you liked and found comforting. Learning that, if the day comes when and if you meet someone else, everything will be new and that sometimes that newness can be scary and disruptive. But it has to be. Everything has to be new. Trying to think of the next one as a revamped former will only lead to more messy heartache. It’s easy to forget how comforting a partner can be, their likes and little ways become a part of you and your day to day life. The way you can both shut out the world briefly and just enjoy each others company with a DVD and some wine and some intimate chatter that is something you miss acutely.

There is also something else that becomes apparent and something I’d rather not have to live with. That being past mistakes in the relationship in the magnifying glass of your mind’s eye with an all too apparent HD like clarity. It’s there whether you want it to be or not, stood there; silently staring at you breathing softly but noisily in that way that lets you know they are there. Past arguments, mistakes that you would have done differently if given the chance to go back, everything.

'Hey, remember that time when you weren't nice during that argument?'

Not now.

‘Deal with me.’

I can’t.

‘Remember me.’

I don’t want to.

‘I’m not going anywhere.’

And the guilt grows with nowhere to go with no way to assuage it or even manage it. 

I just have to hope that time will allow it to shrink away because what else can I do with it?

There may be some hope as the last few times I have dreamt about her I no longer wake up wanting the dream to carry on or waking up in an emotional state.

It’s not much but after these last few years it’s a... well, see below.