When she could see it she stayed when she couldn't she left

The below was my first attempt at writing and then submitting it to The Mighty. No luck do far so here it is in full. Reveals a little of what led me here.

I’d had a knee operation, a replacement for my anterior cruciate ligament that had been shorn just over a year earlier due to sporting activities. It was painful and took time to rehabilitate with pain killers, physio-therapy and time. My then fiancée helped me through it all, every aspect she helped me with. The medication, the anti-thrombosis drugs that had to be injected, helping me move to places that my crutches could not take me, made my meals and assisted in washing me when showering just wasn’t possible. She also drove me to hospital when there was the threat of a clot in my leg and comforted me when I was in literal tears due to the pain. When I struggled to look after myself she looked after me. 

When I needed her the most she was there.

Almost exactly a year later when a mental condition threatened to take over me completely my then wife stopped being there.

I have had depression since a teenager and it has flared up during various points in my life. When my second great depression came and I eventually recognised it as such (or rather stopped ignoring what was happening to me), I told my wife. I opened up to her and it was she that took me to the doctors. It was she that listened to me and told me that she wasn’t going anywhere and she’d always be there. She told me this after I had related to her a particularly nasty episode that saw me overwhelmed by thoughts of suicide a few days before. I’ll never forget her holding my hand in that café that evening. Both of us were sipping overly sweet coconut hot chocolates as she looked me in the eye, held my gaze and made sure I understood that she wasn’t going anywhere I really felt that I could open up to her if I ever needed to. She would be there for me. Unfortunately, as the days and weeks carried on it was not to follow like the rehabilitation of my knee. The medication I was on, after the visit to the doctors, wasn’t quite working as well as I’d hoped and the suicidal thoughts weren’t going away. So I opened up to her, thinking it would help us both. 

I was also bouncing between no sleep and oversleeping and I was self-harming. Not a lot but enough for her to notice. As time went on and the family we had planned on starting wasn’t even close to coming to fruition she gradually began to mention me spending time away to try and recover. This went from going back to my parents to separating to finally her mentioning divorce. She wasn’t going to be there for very much longer. In fact she wasn’t going to be there at all. Everything I had feared when this illness was taking hold had come true. Those fears that deep down I knew were just that, fears, were now all too real. 

Now I don’t pretend that I was fun to live with and I know our intimacy had dropped. 

Being in the depths of a severe depression doesn’t make you feel very sexy, shall we say. 

But if we return to my earlier physical problem and my knee and how she treated me and now apply that scenario to this it all seems faintly ridiculous. I wish I could make her understand that now if I met her again. How her reaction to one mental condition made no sense when compared to her compassionate reaction to my physical one. I try not to think too much about it now and even when I do it all feels like a dream and one I am only now just waking up from.

What'll I do

Coming home on the train from Wales away my final exam last week left me lots of thinking time as I listened to MSP. It was a grey rainy sky and that always leads me towards maudlin thinking but this time I couldn't help but think back to the marriage and what might have been signposts towards its eventual decline. Mostly though I thought back to the moments leading up to the big leave and the horrible atmosphere and feelings that it generated. The knock away of my hand when we were in bed when I reached out to hold her, that morning kiss that was a staple of her morning routine before she left for work by kissing me on the forehead, all of that gone. It also made me think back to those dreams that we'd both share, particularly the ones where one of us would end up leaving the other and the awful feelings that would engender in us. It would upset us both to have such a dream and promises of it never happening to us were always made. 

Who knew that they would actually come true? The background of the whys were never explained in the dram. If they had maybe she wouldn't have been so forthcoming with the promises and the such like?

'I had a dream last night whereby I left you. It was horrible. Until I realised that I'd left you because you had depression. After that I didn't feel so bad.'

So out of these thoughts and feelings came on the trip home and I let them too. Hiding them away or pushing them down into hidden darkness it ok for a part time solution but it eventually always come back bobbling to the surface. The next day it was better. I didn't feel too down about it and managed to construct a few days of gym and tasks that needed doing. However, that feeling, that yearning to have someone to hold and tell my problems to and for them to tell me theirs still exists. It's not as troublesome as it was but yeh, it's still there. 

I suppose now I'm a bit more prepared for it, that is true but it still hurts. Well, not so much hurts as aches.

The below song was playing on my mind when thinking back to those feelings and ties in nicely with those dreams we both used to have.

I feel like the colour blue...

In the aftermath of the UK General Election I am feeling somewhat down. Not my usual down that is associated with that illness just a general sort of down. The result hasn't helped, what will happen to the already over-strained mental health services with them in charge keen of ever more cuts? but it seems to be more down to her not being here. I think it started with a dream that involved her as the TV played on with the in-coming Election results in the background early this morning. I had it on my mind to get to the gym and cinema to watch the new Avengers film. This morphed from thinking about going on my own to then considering going with her before I woke up and gradually realised that wasn't going to be possible. The result is now this residual feeling of miss and loss. I suppose it is some mark of the progress I have made without her that had this been months ago I would have been feeling even worse about it but as it is I'm feeling down, a little empty, yes but not in near despair as would have been more my previously usual reaction. Whenever the feeling of loss comes up or that feeling of dull ache crops up, especially today, I tend to browse dating sites in a superficial attempt to quiet it down. It rarely works and is no substitute for an all embracing hug but it seems to quell it for a few minutes or so. But that full ache comes back. That empty space of hers is sometimes so apparent and tangible that I don't know quite what to do with it or how to deal with its effects. It is getting better but the ache still lingers on as does my mind that always goes back to see what mistakes I made in the marriage. A fruitless task but something I struggle to stop especially on days like these.

Wise Wisdom

It won't be long until the anniversary of my wedding, now first and only wedding, which will also coincide with the anniversary of the split/divorce. When I was a little younger I used to think that going through marriages and the such like would offer one some sort of wisdom, give one a certain take on life and make you exude sagacious wiseness. Internally I also tend to think that this has given me some sort of life experience which will in turn present me as being wise and having some wisdom on certain life experiences. Which it has to a certain extent but really all it has done is turn my heart a little harder. Now when I say this I don't mean it is the hardest of hearts as hard as stone more like it has a brittle inner that is shielding a much softer inner. All that experience has given me is a fear of becoming close and intimate to someone again. I'm not as wise as I think I am.
Lately she has been on my mind but mostly I think it's the past and those good times and feelings from that time that are on my mind, whether I want to admit that or not. The urge to get in contact with her is strong. As is the urge to go back to a time when we were together living in that small town and all that came with it. how quickly would I go back to relive that period and all it's mistakes in an attempt to rectify them and perhaps change the future? 
All too readily, I'm afraid.
And what is the one thing that calms me down, from not only this but all that is entwined with this black of mine?
Facing the end is what.
Sitting on the edge.....

Three

3

3 years since the divorce.

Might as well be 3 months. Then again it might as well be 3 decades. Both time spans feel familiar depending on what sort of day I’m having. If there is one thing I have learned in that time it is that you are constantly trying and learn to live without that former permanent presence in your life. I know that sounds like a blatantly obvious thing to type but there you go. It’s not only trying to carry on without them but also learning to shut away those things about them that you liked and found comforting. Learning that, if the day comes when and if you meet someone else, everything will be new and that sometimes that newness can be scary and disruptive. But it has to be. Everything has to be new. Trying to think of the next one as a revamped former will only lead to more messy heartache. It’s easy to forget how comforting a partner can be, their likes and little ways become a part of you and your day to day life. The way you can both shut out the world briefly and just enjoy each others company with a DVD and some wine and some intimate chatter that is something you miss acutely.

There is also something else that becomes apparent and something I’d rather not have to live with. That being past mistakes in the relationship in the magnifying glass of your mind’s eye with an all too apparent HD like clarity. It’s there whether you want it to be or not, stood there; silently staring at you breathing softly but noisily in that way that lets you know they are there. Past arguments, mistakes that you would have done differently if given the chance to go back, everything.

'Hey, remember that time when you weren't nice during that argument?'

Not now.

‘Deal with me.’

I can’t.

‘Remember me.’

I don’t want to.

‘I’m not going anywhere.’

And the guilt grows with nowhere to go with no way to assuage it or even manage it. 

I just have to hope that time will allow it to shrink away because what else can I do with it?

There may be some hope as the last few times I have dreamt about her I no longer wake up wanting the dream to carry on or waking up in an emotional state.

It’s not much but after these last few years it’s a... well, see below.

I never thought you'd lose that light in your eyes

Today is a struggle. And what seems to be making it a slow crawl through treacle sort of day is the slow onset of suicidal thoughts. I just can't seem to shake them and the longer they sit there in my mind, sat there quietly but breathing heavily reminding me of it's presence the more I think of ways to do it.
I follow it through, what I would do, how I would leave things behind me. It'd be a train station, a smaller town one, fairly quiet, park the car with a note for whoever finds it. And then, wait until.... 
But would I take that step? I don't know but it is something that is playing over and over at the moment. 
I'm trying hard not to think about what I have in my life future wise as I'll just panic and worry over them. I won't seem them as opportunities, more obligations that I will screw up through my own passing which will add further stress and increase those thoughts.
This near constant brinkmanship is wearing and boring but I don't know how to stop it.
I've been in my bedroom all day, feeling empty, worn and tired, listening to MSP and PF. Thoughts of my ex-wife have brought me to near tears as I try and deal with the past and my missing her but I don't know how to. I think it's just this cold numbness inside that I'm finding hard to see past or shift that is making me crave her presence and a warm embrace from her. The urge to write to her an open letter on Facebook is once again very strong.
But what would I say? I guess how much I miss her and how much it hurts not seeing her now. 
What would it accomplish though? What do I want from it? 
Do I want her words, do I want her back in my life? What is the end result here? What do I want?
I ask myself this but I don't know the answer. 

I just... want her to hold me close...

This mess of a man.....

The Veil

'And the same picture plays over and over.
And I'm in the back row, watching them....
...in the grubby, broken cinema of memory.
I'll go back to the corners of the past, even the shadowy, sordid corners...
Just because you were there then.
I'm trying to hang on, hang on to something even though I know it's gone. Even though I know you aren't there anymore.
You.
The loved one.
You're gone.
Nothing will change that.
All I can do is pack away all the things I remember, put them in a drawer with all the other useless souvenirs.
And just carry on.' 

V for Vendetta
Alan Moore David Lloyd

'Your wretched loneliness doesn't fool me'

Thinking about relationships or even attempting to embark on one is causing me some confusion. Confusion that is rising from do I or don't I? As I've covered before in previous posts, I still miss my wife. My ex-wife. Earlier this week when I passed a garden centre and saw an advert for coal and logs it immediately transported me back to a time when we had our own open fire and would buy logs or home make our own fire-lighter bricks and the ache inside deep inside was strong. It reverberated around like a yearning. A yearning for my old life with her.
With all of that can I really expect to start anew with someone else, with all of that still swirling around inside, ready to unleash on me whenever something of her pops up to remind me?
It feels like it's lying there dormant just waiting to unleash memories and feelings as soon as something triggers it. Much like certain blogs or websites use Trigger Warnings to warn individuals of certain elements contained within I think I should have the same scattered throughout my life to warn me of potential hazards.
'Trigger Warning: Passing through that area we used to both drive through together'
'Trigger Warning: Playing a song you both discovered and liked'
'Trigger Warning: Feeling stressed waiting for that hug she used to give you'
The whole thing is tiring but I don't know how to curb it all. 
Perhaps I can't and time is the only way. I try to remind myself of what she did and that sometimes helps but the feelings still linger.
One day soon she will be nothing more than a memory.
One day.

'It's unreal now you're gone...'

This act of creation will save me from despair

I don't know how it exactly started. Was it the thought of her and the intense feeling of missing her, her presence, her calming presence that was the beginning? Or was it the general sense of darkness that slowly started to envelope me, gently but ever so surely until I didn't even realise that I was up to my neck in it? 
I felt bad, mentally and physically and by the time I got myself to bed and plugged in the Manics I was trying hard not to let it succumb. But succumb it did as it usually does and when it did feelings and thoughts soon turned to suicide. Suicide to stop all of this. It also became apparent to me that sometimes my suicidal thoughts are there to actually calm me down, soothe me, as off the wall as that sounds. Mostly they seem to pop up when I can't see a way out of this. All I can see are flat moments, the odd plateau, when I try and look ahead. If I look hard can I see another chance at a long term relationship? A career, a stable one without all of this...  illness?

Can't let love back in....

That's even assuming I try and properly look for one and stop my messing about browsing and being ignored on that POF site. The one chance I had for a relationship there, well it wasn't the right time. I think I was holding back. Miss C seemed to think so.
I think deep down I'm scared of what will happen if I do connect with someone, face to face, and a relationship begins. It could start off great, stars, rainbows, good shared times and feelings but what if it strikes? What if it strikes when we've established a good relationship? Will she be understanding or will she start off like that and ultimately do what my ex did and well, do one? Can I really go through that, put myself through that again? That's a lot of 'ifs' I know but still, the thoughts are there. How can they be not after last time?

Today hasn't been the best. I shut out the rest and made the best excuse I could to get out of my scheduled things for today, hiding under the covers, eating little -doritos, cereal, olives-  and mostly watching DVDs. It's days like these that scare me the most, especially when I consider the new job and new country that awaits me later this year.
When I was a kid I always thought that as soon as I was older, a grown up, it would be easier and that everything would be sorted and stable. I'd be instantly liked and respected because I was an older wiser adult and that life would be sorted. I'd also have a mustache.
Not quite eh?
Apart from the 'tache during November. 
That bit's simple. Not quite so the rest.

Wolverine Blues

Yesterday was a nice day in terms of wandering in and out of shops, buying a few nice things (Shop assistant at Forbidden Planet to me: Buying some Xmas gifts? Me: Yes, for me!) and getting things done that needed to be done.
It was an almost total reverse of Friday's feelings and I was at times quite happy, my mind racing. I've had this before and it sometimes feels like I'm exhausting these feelings of happiness only for them to run out on me when needed. 
Like today.
Today, I felt tired and worn. Again. In fact, it seemed to all hinge upon one thought of her entering my mind and laying out on bed, hoping to exercise later on, for those were my plans, but knowing deep down that I probably wouldn't. 
I then drifted in and out of sleep and each time I not only felt irritable and uncomfortable but thoughts of her ruled supreme. Each time they did I'd wake myself up on the verge of tears, the very act waking me up. 
I dreamt about her last night and that seems to have been the trigger for today. As soon as I thought back to it the effect did for me quick snap.
In the dream, I was trying to talk to her to say how much I missed her but every-time she had a boyfriend either with her or suddenly joining in to sit next to her un-moving. Sometimes, like today, I miss her so much it scares me. It's days like these that make me feel as though I'm living a life I shouldn't be, like I'm living a life that if it were in photographs  there would have a little space cut out where her place should be.
I know it's the time of year where it pinches much more acutely, her absence, but still it hurts. This isn't really great timing either as I had some good news re: my trip to London and a job interview. 
I got the job which is fab' but current black rules the roost and right now my past wants my time and it's proving very difficult to push it to the side.
Today I am totally bereft of her and it hurts.

Soliloquy in Sainsburys

I broke down and told you,

I scooped it out deep from within.

I took a chance, knowing it was risky, deep down fearing the worst but not really believing it.

You sat with me as we drank our bad overly sweet coconut hot chocolates, holding my hand, reassuring me both of us gently weeping as you saw me at my lowest.

Over oily chips I struggled to look at you but you made me telling me it’d be all right and that you’d be there, you weren't going anywhere.

Staring at an empty plastic chair where are you now when I need you the most?