I feel like the colour blue...

In the aftermath of the UK General Election I am feeling somewhat down. Not my usual down that is associated with that illness just a general sort of down. The result hasn't helped, what will happen to the already over-strained mental health services with them in charge keen of ever more cuts? but it seems to be more down to her not being here. I think it started with a dream that involved her as the TV played on with the in-coming Election results in the background early this morning. I had it on my mind to get to the gym and cinema to watch the new Avengers film. This morphed from thinking about going on my own to then considering going with her before I woke up and gradually realised that wasn't going to be possible. The result is now this residual feeling of miss and loss. I suppose it is some mark of the progress I have made without her that had this been months ago I would have been feeling even worse about it but as it is I'm feeling down, a little empty, yes but not in near despair as would have been more my previously usual reaction. Whenever the feeling of loss comes up or that feeling of dull ache crops up, especially today, I tend to browse dating sites in a superficial attempt to quiet it down. It rarely works and is no substitute for an all embracing hug but it seems to quell it for a few minutes or so. But that full ache comes back. That empty space of hers is sometimes so apparent and tangible that I don't know quite what to do with it or how to deal with its effects. It is getting better but the ache still lingers on as does my mind that always goes back to see what mistakes I made in the marriage. A fruitless task but something I struggle to stop especially on days like these.