The time disappeared like sand from his hands

These last few days have been hazy. Each day at work I have lost track of the time and sometimes what I'm doing, hitting auto-pilot mostly throughout. I've cancelled most, if not all, of my coaching whether voluntary or paid. I just can't focus on anything right now. I feel displaced, numb. And not comfortably either. Learning from my experience when in the midst of my second great depression, the black, I have tried not to fight it because that only leads to more of the same and increased feelings of self loathing. I have felt that all too familiar feeling of tiredness and deep emptiness with it. 
I have managed to keep active but it has been a struggle. So I kept it light where possible. Even today my run I just, well, ran. I didn't focus on any speed needs or how many miles I did or didn't do. I just ran in the autumn air and it felt good. Nice even. 
The weather has matched my mood and so I have matched my music as a result. Alice in Chains, Nine Inch Nails and Pink Floyd with some Manic Street Preachers alongside. It all matches and feels right. I don't force good time music if I'm not feeling it. It feels false and rarely, if ever, works. So for now, this is me. Circumstantial black That will recede to grey, that I know but I'm not keen to escape it as it reminds me of doggy and his not being here. If I recover it feels like I will forget. Daft, I know, but there you are. 
Time will see me through whether I want it to or not.

A very cold blue

It is a feeling I have long recognized but this time around it is a feeling that has come around due to circumstantial events rather than internal biological ones. That empty cold sickness deep in my gut. That hollow chilly fear. This time it's due to the passing of the family doggy. Seeing the way he broke done over the course of a week, his sight going, his movement too and the way he whined and cried through it oh it was horrible. And it hurt so to not being able to do anything to help him. He passed, thankfully for him, not long after these events. 
It was a stressful last few days. Doggies bring so much into your life but when they go the emptiness and the missing is acute, so very acute. The tail wagging and the licks when you come back home, the hugs and the pats, the nibbles of the ear when you get close to them and the slobbery kisses from them too missing them muchly now and I will even more so as the days go on. 
This month seems a lot colder right now.

I looked up and breathed deeply

I have been mostly stable, so far which for me is good considering the time of season and year. As the dark nights descend and my sleep pattern and body clock are disrupted a bit I tend to experience a bit of a dip. But so far nothing quite so severe. I can recall one bad day feeling quite bad but it hasn't been consistent at all. Today has been a low point but due to the family doggy going down ill and rapidly breaking down. After a visit to the Vet they checked him over but said there wasn't anything outstandingly wrong with him but possibly old age could be the problem, And now he is a lot worse, the way he walks, moves, looks at you. I suspect he may leave us soon. It will be a hard couple of days ahead.