Condensation on the inside of my car window

This last month or so has been to put it in a John Shuttleworth way, oooff.
Fears , worries, some tangible some not so tangible, present, past, future, all up there brewing away in that noggin of mine. It also culminated in a couple of weeks of intermittent insomnia which was tasking and a reminder of what I used to go through back in 2012. That dizzy, washed out feeling prevalent though the day. There was real reason why, aside from the above, as my head decided to cogitate on stuff for no apparent reason. It wasn't as if I had done anything to get excited about prior to bed either but along it came in a throwback to 2012, lovely stuff. Sheesh. Annoying because I was doing relatively ok up until then. I say relatively as Oct saw a wobble after a mental health first aid course and a planned trip to see a certain Canadian poet but  I just couldn't do it. I hadn't slept and knew it would be a struggle. Especially after the course ion the same day which had brought up certain issues and memories for me. So I decided not to go. It made sense especially as I was in bed by the time it would have ended. It felt like the right adult self care decision to make. Even though I was disappointed in more ways than one.
I also, for some reason, had another nice dream about the ex. She was just resting on my lap and we chatted. It was...nice. Annoyingly so. All that aside it was...ok. I've had worse. But this no sleeping really knocked me back some and made me worry I was falling into...that black. But so far it's just that worry. It is hard to dispel though, that feeling of going back to it. I don't think I ever will lose it.
And if that all wasn't enough as another Xmas season approaches a former love is now with someone else. It had to happen, I know but still, oooff.

Like misty breath on a chilly day. One second there and real and the next... gone.

And for that, near, half a second I thought that it had happened.

Dreams. Your own picture house of wants, needs, loves, hates and nightmares. Sometimes remembered, sometimes best forgotten. I had one this morning that revolved around my ex wife. It was nice. It was almost as if my mind had distilled the nice bits and goodness of that relationship and presented it to me in that dream. We were in a car together and for some reason I opened up to her and told her what I had been up to, what I had achieved since we had split, what had gone right, what had gone wrong, how I had been in that time. And she listened, we held hands and I wasn't angry or bitter or resentful towards her I just wanted to let her know what I had done and how I had been, the good and the bad. 
When I awoke it was almost real and then the realisation hit and I was left... confused. 
I think mostly I was saddened that it hadn't happened. I think it stems from when we met, sort of met, back in December last year during a reunion for a military thing we were both at. I had spent a lot of time wondering what would happens, all the what ifs and after all that not very much happened at all. I am sure part of me wanted to catch up with her see if any part of her was proud of what I had achieved but realistically it wasn't going to happen. And so I'm left with....this. This surface feeling. Thankfully they aren't as prevalent as once they were, those sorts of dreams. They used to leave me very discombobulated. Now, they just leave me feeling distinctly... meh. 
Yesterday was a good day; today? Not so much. I'd knock on the head and hit the sack if I didn't have things to do and if I thought I would actually sleep.
Big sigh.

I can time travel. To the same day and relive the same experience.

It didn't come at the best time. But then does it ever? Bad news. 
Two bits of bad news, well, three, two jobs, one university. Chances to progress, kick on and move forward but no. No go. I was starting to feel a bit grey as the sun goes away for Autumn and Winter and the darkness began to creep in. But these set backs have really booted me one. I'm trying hard not to bin everything off that I have set up. I have one thing today, just not feeling up to do it at all, hoping that the rest will help some. Especially as I have the half marathon at the weekend. I am also feeling bad, achey, tired which are bad signs indeed. Those signs point towards danger. What to do? Rest and hope for the best as I utilise my wellness tricks to either soothe or distract? 
Or...no. I cannot, I won't. It's too easy to panic and jettison everything. And one it is in my mind it is difficult to dislodge. The calmness will be nice but the guilt and hammering of myself will soon offset all of that.

An oldie but a goldie for more than just the fab tune. 
I just need to take their advice. It used to work for me.

The tea is brewing in the pot. It's the sixth day now.

An interesting week has been had.
A TV show regarding adults and Autsim prompted me to consult my doctor and present my case for me thinking that I had, at the very least, Aspergers. Thankfully, my Dr passed these on to the local autism assessment group and I had two sessions for them to, well, assess me. It was probing and wearing but good. Unfortunately I wasn't diagnosed as having autism but what it did reveal I wasn't so keen on taking away. Sensory processing disorder, not really recognised in the UK alas, and Adhd without the H were also mentioned and the former certainly makes sense for me after reading up on it. That was fine, kind of, no, what the problem was the the not wanting to take away was the early relationship, or lack-thereof, with my father. It would certainly explain a lot with regards to my anxiety, continuing, relationships, both friends and romancey but well, it now what? More resentment for my father and trying to deal with whatever this sensory thing is. 
On the plus side of things I do have a new outlet for all things internal outside of this blog and that's poetry! So that is something if nothing else. Trying to understand me, well, that is ever ongoing.

This gal is my savior in so many ways.

Smudged Chrome

This has been a testing year. In my 45th year I can say that outside of that second great depression this year is a tricky one. Jobs I thought I was either perfect for or near guaranteed to get well, it wasn't the case for one reason or other. A relationship I thought was going to turn into a  relationship changed into nothing rapidly. My coaching has shrunk to voluntary roles and my University applications have turned into bugger all. I'm getting pains in my teeth, certain body parts and trouble with the water works. I'm also getting into that sack it all off as soon as I finish work type of mood as well. I try and make a change, make the change, force it, let it happen, all of the above but yet here I am still. The relationship thing is something I am getting used to, like this mental illness. More because I think it will be better that way in the long run. It will save me a lot of potential misery, I've enough of that, and heartache.
Still, hope always springs eternal whether I want it or not.
I also suspect autism, or rather me being on the autism spectrum. I have an assessment coming up next month. It could answer a lot of questions about me.

45

He'd gotten up the third time but by the fourth he was reticent

It has been a testing year thus far. And it's only flipping May. There have been a few too many emails with sentences that begin with, Unfortunately. Never good and certainty not for me. Everything I thought I had a good chance of succeeding in or even entering, nope, life says no. Jobs, education, even flipping the dating scene it's all just not working. Add suspected autism and well, you can see that things are testing this year. Physical health problems and the usual mental health issues are certainly making me field test my resilience from the last great depression.The warning signs are there, the disturbed sleep, that fear in the late evening and early morning, raging at myself over slight things road signs that could lead to....well, I only need to read the first entries of this blog to finish that sentence.
It feels as though as I get older my mental collection either grows or becomes more ingrained. Or am I just more aware of it now? Either way it is making me nervous as what is to come, what is to come for me. The image of myself and what I was going to be as an adult is crumbling fast. That is if it hasn't already.
I'm starting to feel like I can't cope again. 
The road feels never-ending.

He pushed back as much as he could but the water still flowed over him

Oh dear. What to do? Everything is going wrong. Plans are just falling through or apart and I can barely control the anxiety at the moment. A girl I was dating just decided to end it, despite it feeling like it was something. Uni has fallen through, jobs applied for likewise and my physical health is slipping. Bright spot is my running injury finally settling down. That aside I don't know what I am going to do. I have a job application being assessed this week and if that falls through, options are limited. and I will have to reassess Again. I know things are bad when I get that steady current of panic in my chest. It takes a day or so to settle and makes me apprehensive as it can, sometimes, lead to a big black incident. And well, that I don't want to go back to. The fear of going back to me then is a very scary prospect. But I do feel elements of it, in me. Perhaps I always will. Or I am just better at recognising it now.
I don't know what to do. I can neither offer advice or even suggest ways to deal with any of this aside from going back to what I know soothes me, music, games, reading.

There's No Escape

The above title I have probably used before. It's familiar to me and not due to it being inherently familiar to me due to its origin. It is something that plays in my mind when in stressful times. Lately it has been on my mind due to mental concerns. The usual depression and ocd concerns and the fact that it won't be going anywhere and is something I will need to reconcile myself with. Which has been difficult lately as due to it being at rest before rousing these past few weeks it forces me to face up to that fact. Another potential mental concern has arrived though. After watching a tv programme about it I am now wondering and trying to set up a referral test regarding autism. Admittedly it is easy to self diagnose based what you see and read, TV, Google etc but seeing what was explained and the people who displayed and spoke of behaviors, thoughts and actions that I take and have taken was quite a revelation and explained a lot about me. It explained a lot about how I feel, how I act and where when it comes to sensory inputs it can overwhelm me. Now, getting it diagnosed is something else. I experience enough waiting when really bad with the black so to go through similar and possibly even longer with this new concern on the block, not so keen. 
It has come in a year that, so far, has been a bit disappointing. Three big set backs regarding moving forward, two Uni course turn downs and a no for a job I interviewed for last year. Mild panic ensues as that old familiar of overthinking in the night and the inevitable broke and disturbed sleep follow. Elements that are all too familiar when the second great depression began. 
So I don't know what to do. Where to go now. My route map is not relevant now. And I don't know how to deal with that. From me and my mind set, at the moment, there is no escape.

It's chilly outside inside but cold inside

There have been a few warning signs these last couple of weeks. One of which is increased blogger writing, obviously, but also the usual. Over tired, sleeping deeply when napping, increased frustration over silly small stuff and that urge to just give up. 
Years ago before that first episode I used to like being ill, having a cold or flu because it meant I could rest up, go to bed, let go. I know now that those feelings were warning signs. 
I didn't realise it then but I do now. I had a dream when napping that had me rage and break my own stuff in it due to minor frustrations. That's either a warning of what could happen or me worrying about what could happen. Either way it has me concerned. 
My mum knows when I am bad and asked me outright, as she does but I couldn't even acknowledge it. When she says nice things to me it won't sink in. 
I can't have nice things when I'm bad. 
It's a worry and if it continues well then that worry will become something else.
I fear a return to what was.

'I'll just have a little rest', he said before drifting off for 6 years

So yesterday; yesterday was a bit of a shock and I am still feeling it's effects today. 
It was a real trip back to how I was when bad. And if that wasn't bad enough the depression nostalgia increased as not long after writing yesterday's post I received an email from that Uni I had applied to turning me down. Of course they did, it was the day for gash news, if nothing else.
That news was like having a pain in the guts and then rising for some air before being hoofed in the family jewels. All that was left for me was music and tea and hope that a new day would bring new mood.
Has it? Not really. I'm feeling very worn inside and certain images of me giving up, as it were, are a bit constant. Not giving up permatenly but giving up nonetheless which is always a bad sign. If nothing, else all this mental illness over the years has made me more aware of the danger signs leading up to an episode. being overly moody, tetchy, snapping at minor things, feeling empty, tired, worn, sleep becoming difficult and then over sleeping if I take a nap and feeling out of it afterwards. Small things to do feeling like they are very big things, small stresses causing me big stressful responses, the usual really. Or, more like, the usual when I am bad. I felt so tired and worn yesterday but when it came to bedtime I took a long time to nod off. Frustrating and confusing. The dreams that followed were all about or involved 'it' too.
Thankfully, yesterday and today are pretty open once work has been completed. I've given myself time off from exercise hoping that the rest, mentally and physically, will help some. Aside from that, I can only hope that this will pass. The fear of returning to what I was, when bad, really bad, is still a fear and yesterday has only increased that fear. I must try and not give in to the urge to sweep away all before me when things feel bad. I must test and adjust and try and keep to my treat system. As in, get through this today and when at home I can read in bed as early as I want or buy that album I've been eyeing up. That kind of thing is small but helps muchly.

Words can bring me down

Things have moved on apace since before, during and after Xmas. I had an interview for a battlefield tour guide before Xmas (required a long drive to a place I'd never ventured to before which was more scary than the interview) I had a new cleaning slot at a fabulous shop (I also got a lill' discount too and had so many ideas for new hobbies and gifts for others too) and I made an application to get onto a full degree course at University. 
In this time I've also lost my appetite for coaching. Well, certain coaching. A certain coaching slot where it's more baby sitting than actually coaching. Unfortunately I get paid for that coaching. The voluntary coaching I enjoy so for now I may stick with that. That aside, it just isn't working out. I just can't break into full time. So maybe it's time to go back to what I was, re: the degree Uni thingy. No word back from it so far though. And I have since lost the other cleaning slot. Damn shame that. I really enjoyed it.
Mentally I'm stable. Apart from today but I suppose days like these will happen. Monday has always been the worst for me. The anxiety first thing and then if bad that generally feeling of black. I have been feeling anxious and tetchy lately. Not wanting to engage with anyone,  that kinda thing that always points towards warning signs with regards to depression. Compared to what I was, however, it isn't nearly as bad  but anytime I get even so much as hint of what was I get ... apprehensive, nervous. The fear of returning to what I was when bad is all too real. 
Everything I need to get done has been done so now I'm going to take it easy on myself. Tea, reading stuff to mentally soothe me. Basically trying to go against the grain and be nice to myself. I'm getting better at it.

A New Year and new blank space?

This video has made me happy and given me many smiles from 2017 into 2018 :)