From Monopoly to the grave...

I've been writing this blog for 2 years and have had this lot of depression for 2 and a half years. An anniversary, of sorts. I can almost imagine the conversation the black could have had with me, could it actually talk...

‘Happy Anniversary! It’s been ten years since your last big depression! And as a present to remember those times, have another big lot of depression! Oh yeh, remember when you were in the middle of it and thinking, well, at least I don’t have a long term partner to worry about or a job or future to be concerned with? Now you do! Those fears will also come crashing down around and upon you. And hey, who knows, maybe they’ll even come true and nearly break you in two?’

And come true, they did. A wife who thought that the, ‘In sickness and in health’ vow was more a guideline rather than something to commit to. A PT job that was taken, the house, caring home… I've covered this before but yeh, those fears did come true.

…the only interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing

And so, here I am 2 years on. Progressions? The foundation degree is something and is perhaps a chance at a career while my writing and performing slows to nothing. I don’t really know what to do with those now. Can I do anything with them now? I know I write this blog but this is more for me in the absence of a diary and it’s viewed by what, three people? The trouble is, I feel so unsure and uncertain about everything now. I can barely sort myself out to even get to the gym nowadays and my last push at exercise resulted in a near Batman-esque broken back from which I’m only now just now recovering. I've let my living space deteriorate and myself too and right now I’m back to, ‘Tomorrow is when I’ll sort it.’

Yeh, well, tomorrow never comes, as I’ve mentioned before. Getting old now isn’t it? Hell, the whole illness is getting old. I think it got old the moment I realised my, then, wife was serious about doing one. I just can’t seem to sort myself out. Any hopes I have of forming a romantic relationship are quickly tempered by me either looking at smelling myself or that tiny voice quickly reminding me what happened the last time I got intimate with someone for a long time and didn't take too kindly to depression being a part of the relationship as well. As soon as I browse for partners inner me pipes up…

'Look at the state of you, the state of your surroundings, books, dvds, clothes left where you discarded them, stubble that is rapidly growing from 80s style to disheveled down and out and… DEPRESSION! Remember that?’

And all the enthusiasm drains away from me.

So, I just don't know anymore. 

Perhaps it's best if I just go back to taking it all one day at a time.

Gervais

I don’t know where I really stand, liking or not liking, with regards to Ricky Gervais. 

I remember his early stuff on, ‘The 11 0’clock show’ and his solo stuff on that old cable channel UK Play. Or was it Play UK? Hmmm, anyway, it was generally insulting and not that funny, unless you think calling Alison Moyet names in a piss-poor Beavis and Butthead style is funny, of course.

Then came, ‘The Office’ which is still a bit hit and miss for me aside from the really quite brilliant Xmas special which ended the series. (As a side-note, I’ve really taken to, ‘The US Office’ which is fab’.)

‘Extras’, I watched as well, due to me being and still being a TV/Film extra so I was curious to see what his take was on it. It wasn’t anything like being an extra and from watching it I presumed the idea was more about seeing well known film stars act like their complete, perceived, opposites, ie, complete gits. However, what really annoyed me was Gervais’ main character reacting with, 'I don't want to go out with a psychopath' when offered a chance to go out with someone who had, ‘clinical depression’. That rankled and still does now.

At the moment of writing this I was watching, ‘Life’s too Short’, that show with Warwick Davis in it and it’s the same atmosphere as it seems to be in all of his shows. People acting like complete gits, saying the worst thing and being put in the crappiest situation where the reaction is to any and all of the situations by either saying the rudest thing or to act it out. Watching Warwick Davis in this, watching his ‘character’ being put through and putting other people through various uncomfortable situations usually regarding his height, I find it extremely annoying that he gave Karl Pilkington and others a bad time for similar in their, ‘Idiot Abroad’ show. Yet, what’s this? Warwick sleeping in a chest of drawers for laughs.

All Gervais’ comedy seems to revolve around is the minor shock factor of, ‘Ooh, look Keith Chegwin’s talking about choking himself out whilst masturbating. ‘Oh my! Les Dennis is in the nude talking about sex!’ ‘And look, there’s Clive Owen being an obnoxious tit!’  

Saying nasty things, putting people in crap situations and generally being arseholes.

Hilarious eh?

And as for that depression/psychopath crack, all I have to say about that is a showing of the following. Funny and not spiteful or pandering to people’s ignorance at all. All from the early days of, now, a true comedy icon.

Look and learn Gervais.

Devastated :(

Drifting into my Solitude

So, my residential week at University is all done. I enjoyed it and got into a routine and back to some good healthy eating as well. I also tried enjoying my own company as well. A trip to see Captain America: Winter Soldier, at the cinema one day,  a meal at a restaurant the next day and window shopping another day. It was the first trip to the flicks since I saw the Avengers film two years ago. It was a nice week, despite the age gap sometimes getting me down but hey, it could've been worse I suppose.

"I will speak no more of my feelings beneath"

Now, I'm back. Back and sliding towards bad habits, bad comforting habits. Sleeping late, hiding in my bed, under the sheets with either music or the TV for company. I've also had off days. Today is one of them. I feel tired, worn and delicate. I was supposed to be doing something but came up with a lie to not go. 
I think I'm getting good at it now. Lying. That isn't me boasting, it just is a fact now. What else can I do when I wake up and have that feeling, that empty sometimes cold worn feeling of, 'I can't do it'. I've slowly started to work out who I can and cannot tell about this whole black. Some people just do not want to hear about it. So I lie.
I'm becoming unreliable I'm sure. The person who could be counted on to show up to whatever he said he'd do. Not anymore I'm sure. I'm in bed with a hot water bottle. A cup of tea finished, the TV on. I didn't sleep too well which i'm sure is contributing to my general state but even still, not good.
Is this what I can look forward to now? A life of good days, off days, bad days and very bad days?
I've mentioned before how scary a prospect that is but the more it happens and the more real it actually gets the more terrifying it is. It is the one thing that encourages my suicidal thoughts, that sense of this never ending. The thought that one day in the future, or many days in the future, when I'm engaged in a job I've worked hard for I wake up one day and know it's one of those days I call in sick and become unreliable or worse um-employable.

"No-one will expect anything from me"

Finishing this first Uni year promised some comfort, it promised me a break and a loosening of some responsibility. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. On the good side if the off days crop up there isn't anyone to lie or make excuses to to cover them up. On the bad, it does leave me with a lack of routine. A lack of routine I'm struggling to re-form. I've missed the gym, I've missed Army reserves. The thought of which really scares me. My confidence for that has gone completely and I'm not sure if it'll ever come back. 
I don't know what to do anymore.

Army Dreamers

My military career, reservist not regular, is looking very shaky indeed right now.
I haven't been there since the Xmas dine out with my new troop and the more I think about it the harder it is to even consider setting foot in the place. I'm starting to feel like Matt Malone did whenever he'd attempt to walk out of his flat. ('Game On' reference there, a BBC sitcom from the mid-90s).
Whenever I think about going there, seeing certain people the nerves kick in big time. I don't know if it's going back to the military discipline or the fact that people will expect something of me or that people will moan at me or question my absence. Maybe it's all of the above that is making me uncomfortable about going back. It's annoying because at certain points throughout a day I may be reminded of my time there. A certain smell may take me back, for instance the scent of diesel will always be tied up with Landrovers and the military for me. Or it might even be seeing a soldier on the TV. I see that and I do have a the odd bit of yearning to go back. But whenever I try and think about it, boom! back I go into young me and all of the nerves and fears that I used to wear like a second skin.
Saying that though, it's not like anyone I know there has even got in touch with me to ask how things are? Out of sight out of mind I guess.

I have failed...

Of all the days it has to come knock-knocking on my door.
An introduction day, one I had been looking forward to, and I was a no-show. 
I felt it last night, that cold raw feeling deep within me. It had started early. The voice of doubt wasn't long in speaking up and when it did I knew that the next day would be difficult if not impossible to get to. I don't know what made me feel worse, not going or the feeling that preceded me not going. And if that isn't enough, tomorrow I'm off to Wales for my week long practicals assessments for the ending of the first year of my University course. 
It couldn't have come at a worse time. Hmm, should be careful what I say there. I'm sure there will be other 'worse' moments to come. There has been before.
When it comes crashing down around me like this I feel so disrupted, it's like the past few weeks haven't happened and I'm right back to that bad day at the end of February, panicky, lost, fearful.
I have a presentation to construct too and I'm basing it around mental health. I'm trying to decide whether or not to include my own very personal experiences in it as well.
I'm so un-sure of everything right now and any glimpse towards my future or even a glance backwards to my past causes me such anxiety.

What am I going to do?

"Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time"

Green Day: Good Riddance (Time of your life)

Running up that Hill

Right now I am trying to build for the future, my future. 
I'm nervous, very nervous in attempting it. Mainly because past experiences have taught me  that it can go wrong. My attempt at building feels as though it is all being constructed on a foundation of sand. Seemingly solid until a big waves comes along and crumbles it all away until it comes crashing down all around me with a huge bump and a bang that will reverberate in my ears for weeks to follow.
This has manifested itself in my trying to get back into competitive football, goalkeeper position to be exact. Now, this hasn't always worked out how I would have liked. 
My first game in goal, Futsal. Was stressful and I didn't exactly paint myself in any glory what-so-ever. The next game after some coaching went better. I had some tools to use. 
Last week, not so as anyone who read my last blog entry will know. Last night too started off well and then went down-hill. A couple of errors and it felt like that was it for me after that. Uphill all the way, trying hard to make up for the errors by pulling off save after save. Not so. I think I got one good one and one minor one after that. Getting a whack in the chops didn't help either, (If my writing suddenly goes allmafffaskknff then you'll know pumpkin)
I also played 11-a-side last weekend for the first time since '98. Only this time in goal. Again, not brilliant. Learning on the job, as it were, a few positives and mistakes to learn from. It certainly wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though. 
Prior to the game, I was thinking about it and worrying about it. What would they think of me if I messed up? Would I get shouted at? Sworn at? How would I even perform? So many doubts questions and fears that pushed out any sort of enjoyment I should have got from the game completely. In the second half with the sun and wind behind me I didn't feel a little better. I'd started talking to my back 4 a bit more and despite a couple of errors, I did at least feel a little bit more confident. By the end I felt ok, feeling like I had achieved something by getting there and getting through the whole match.
I'm also slowly progressing through my football coaching, putting my name down for various goalkeeping coaching courses. Away from that and back to my old creative endeavors I've also written and sent off a play about suicide. With regards to relationships however, well that isn't happening and that's probably just as well.
Last night I had very emotional dreams regarding my black and my ex-wife. I awoke with damp eyes a I spent most of the dreams crying.That was the most prominent feature of my dreams. Being a a highly emotive state throughout and I'm sure she was involved at some level or other.
So, as you can see, I'm trying. 
I guess all I can do is plans and hope for the best, always mindful that if it wants to my black can come and strike me down whenever it wants to.

'Clenched fists, be brave...'