An interesting week has been had. A TV show regarding adults and Autsim prompted me to consult my doctor and present my case for me thinking that I had, at the very least, Aspergers. Thankfully, my Dr passed these on to the local autism assessment group and I had two sessions for them to, well, assess me. It was probing and wearing but good. Unfortunately I wasn't diagnosed as having autism but what it did reveal I wasn't so keen on taking away. Sensory processing disorder, not really recognised in the UK alas, and Adhd without the H were also mentioned and the former certainly makes sense for me after reading up on it. That was fine, kind of, no, what the problem was the the not wanting to take away was the early relationship, or lack-thereof, with my father. It would certainly explain a lot with regards to my anxiety, continuing, relationships, both friends and romancey but well, it now what? More resentment for my father and trying to deal with whatever this sensory thing is. On the plus side of things I do have a new outlet for all things internal outside of this blog and that's poetry! So that is something if nothing else. Trying to understand me, well, that is ever ongoing. This gal is my savior in so many ways.
This has been a testing year. In my 45th year I can say that outside of that second great depression this year is a tricky one. Jobs I thought I was either perfect for or near guaranteed to get well, it wasn't the case for one reason or other. A relationship I thought was going to turn into a relationship changed into nothing rapidly. My coaching has shrunk to voluntary roles and my University applications have turned into bugger all. I'm getting pains in my teeth, certain body parts and trouble with the water works. I'm also getting into that sack it all off as soon as I finish work type of mood as well. I try and make a change, make the change, force it, let it happen, all of the above but yet here I am still. The relationship thing is something I am getting used to, like this mental illness. More because I think it will be better that way in the long run. It will save me a lot of potential misery, I've enough of that, and heartache. Still, hope always springs eternal whether I want it or not. I also suspect autism, or rather me being on the autism spectrum. I have an assessment coming up next month. It could answer a lot of questions about me.
It has been a testing year thus far. And it's only flipping May. There have been a few too many emails with sentences that begin with, Unfortunately. Never good and certainty not for me. Everything I thought I had a good chance of succeeding in or even entering, nope, life says no. Jobs, education, even flipping the dating scene it's all just not working. Add suspected autism and well, you can see that things are testing this year. Physical health problems and the usual mental health issues are certainly making me field test my resilience from the last great depression.The warning signs are there, the disturbed sleep, that fear in the late evening and early morning, raging at myself over slight things road signs that could lead to....well, I only need to read the first entries of this blog to finish that sentence. It feels as though as I get older my mental collection either grows or becomes more ingrained. Or am I just more aware of it now? Either way it is making me nervous as what is to come, what is to come for me. The image of myself and what I was going to be as an adult is crumbling fast. That is if it hasn't already. I'm starting to feel like I can't cope again. The road feels never-ending.
Oh dear. What to do? Everything is going wrong. Plans are just falling through or apart and I can barely control the anxiety at the moment. A girl I was dating just decided to end it, despite it feeling like it was something. Uni has fallen through, jobs applied for likewise and my physical health is slipping. Bright spot is my running injury finally settling down. That aside I don't know what I am going to do. I have a job application being assessed this week and if that falls through, options are limited. and I will have to reassess Again. I know things are bad when I get that steady current of panic in my chest. It takes a day or so to settle and makes me apprehensive as it can, sometimes, lead to a big black incident. And well, that I don't want to go back to. The fear of going back to me then is a very scary prospect. But I do feel elements of it, in me. Perhaps I always will. Or I am just better at recognising it now. I don't know what to do. I can neither offer advice or even suggest ways to deal with any of this aside from going back to what I know soothes me, music, games, reading.
The above title I have probably used before. It's familiar to me and not due to it being inherently familiar to me due to its origin. It is something that plays in my mind when in stressful times. Lately it has been on my mind due to mental concerns. The usual depression and ocd concerns and the fact that it won't be going anywhere and is something I will need to reconcile myself with. Which has been difficult lately as due to it being at rest before rousing these past few weeks it forces me to face up to that fact. Another potential mental concern has arrived though. After watching a tv programme about it I am now wondering and trying to set up a referral test regarding autism. Admittedly it is easy to self diagnose based what you see and read, TV, Google etc but seeing what was explained and the people who displayed and spoke of behaviors, thoughts and actions that I take and have taken was quite a revelation and explained a lot about me. It explained a lot about how I feel, how I act and where when it comes to sensory inputs it can overwhelm me. Now, getting it diagnosed is something else. I experience enough waiting when really bad with the black so to go through similar and possibly even longer with this new concern on the block, not so keen. It has come in a year that, so far, has been a bit disappointing. Three big set backs regarding moving forward, two Uni course turn downs and a no for a job I interviewed for last year. Mild panic ensues as that old familiar of overthinking in the night and the inevitable broke and disturbed sleep follow. Elements that are all too familiar when the second great depression began. So I don't know what to do. Where to go now. My route map is not relevant now. And I don't know how to deal with that. From me and my mind set, at the moment, there is no escape.
There have been a few warning signs these last couple of weeks. One of which is increased blogger writing, obviously, but also the usual. Over tired, sleeping deeply when napping, increased frustration over silly small stuff and that urge to just give up. Years ago before that first episode I used to like being ill, having a cold or flu because it meant I could rest up, go to bed, let go. I know now that those feelings were warning signs. I didn't realise it then but I do now. I had a dream when napping that had me rage and break my own stuff in it due to minor frustrations. That's either a warning of what could happen or me worrying about what could happen. Either way it has me concerned. My mum knows when I am bad and asked me outright, as she does but I couldn't even acknowledge it. When she says nice things to me it won't sink in. I can't have nice things when I'm bad. It's a worry and if it continues well then that worry will become something else. I fear a return to what was.
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