Cherry Blossom Tree

I made it to the shoot. I did this because basically I didn’t sleep.  I tried but failed. Everytime I even came close to nodding off my mind would worry about oversleeping and oop, I’m awake again. So I gave up with an hour and half till my alarm was due to go off and didn’t feel too bad until about 4pm and then as long as I didn’t sit still for too long I was fine. At times I did feel  a little odd though. My mind seemed to be confused as to why it was still awake. It felt like it was swimming, everything had a slight unreality feel to it.

The coffee helped but it also made my heart feel like it was beating like a f&*^%$d clock too (An ‘I’ special there). It also meant that I was out of the house and had to clean myself up some and actually interact with people other than my mind of memories and thoughts. All in all a not bad day. Other thoughts tried to intrude but I just about managed to shoo them away. Today though it’s a case of normal service resumed. Things are odd right now as I’m not sure how to proceed with either my career (such as it is) or well, my life. I’ve always liked the idea of an exit door, in a course, a day out, job anything, so the rationale behind my suicidal thoughts seem to revolve around this, it’s a way out. A way out for me and for others.  I remember telling my then wife this once. How me ending it would be better for all of us and for her, no money worries or worries about me. She didn’t think so and said my absence would be awful for her. Turns out that wasn’t quite right as my absence was fine as long as I didn’t leave behind a lot of mess and paperwork. Levity aside and divorce aside when I do think about the ending it it seems to comfort me in a bizarre way. Sunday is no exception. I spoke to a close friend yesterday about it all which was nice and helped me some. The thing is sometimes I bore myself with my talk and I’m sure I bore others with it all too and perhaps being them down. When I left him he mentioned on Friendface later on that he was down. Hmmm, I wonder why? Some days I swear I’m starting to sound like Neil from the Young Ones. Everything is countered in my mind, activity wise, with, Can’t do that as I’m planning to kill myself man (the ‘man’ bit is optional). It’s on my mind a lot today and I do feel heavy and sad, mentally. The things  I used to look forward to no longer interest me at all. I used to gym it a lot but now? Now I can barely get the energy or the interest up for it. Anxiety burns within me like an ember that refuses to either flare up or burn out and silly things have now become magnified within the prism of the black and seem huge. I don’t know what to do now.