Hurt

This hurts so much right now. I have nothing to go on either; one minute married the next without significant other.  All those words she said to me, all those Hollywood movie style horse s*&£ words that now mean sod all. ‘You are my life’, ‘You’re mine now’, ‘I can’t believe we’re married’ , ‘I’m so lucky to have you in my life’, etcetc. Thinking about it now it's left me confused and feeling worse now than I did back in January.  How can I ever enter a relationship and not be cynical towards those feelings and sentiments now? At least then I had some support, a loving partner. Now? Now I don’t. The ‘sickness and in health’ line of our marriage vows must have had a by line I wasn’t aware of, NB: ‘Of course this does not include mental health’.

Earlier I fell asleep, sleep grazing, and as I did I had various songs on that sang about break ups and the such like. I then had an odd dream about her where she didn’t really say anything and had her back to me and I actually woke myself briefly because I was crying. I’ve woken myself up with laughter but this was the first time I’ve actually felt tears. When I woke up a bit later on I felt very strange, cold and bereft is the only way I can describe it. I was also chewing on huge slabs of bacon in that dream too which, as a veggie, was also disturbing!

Before this I wasn’t sure what was causing my black. Now I have an added causal effect to deal with. I’m wondering that if it passes, which I’m sure it will sometime in the future; weeks, months? What will I be left with then? The old black that started all of this in the first place? Where does that black begin and this one end?

So I also had my first shower and shave in a week too, mostly as I’m due to be on set this week for a day of background extras type filming. Sleep may be a problem but I’m hoping that hot stimulating liquids may help me out. For the past few days I’ve seen the sun slowly rise just after 4am and heard the birds start the day off too. This time I hope I won’t as I’ll need some sleep if I’m to do this 8 hour shoot. I’m not feeling up to it or for that matter, anything but I’m gonna have to leave the house sooner or later I guess. I can only watch so many Adam Curtis documentaries online.