Wednesday, 18 June 2014


My dreams were very unsettling this morning. What made them worse was the fact that everytime I awoke from them, during a bad bit, I’d go back to sleep and slip straight back into them again. Any other dream that I want to get back into no chance! The one I don’t, straight back in! Typical.
They were unsettling as they were centered around my former. For some reason I was back in our old house back in Warminster. The house was empty, similar to how the house in Bristol was on that awful last day. For some reason her father was there also and I was trying to get back in touch with her, keen to either write to her and find her online. I might have asked her father for help, I’m not sure. At one point I woke up, my subconscious keen to awake me from the mounting emotion that I was feeling. I was on the verge of tears but soon nodded off again to find myself finding her online but seeing that there was an address with the title, Maternal, over it. Very odd and it left me wondering if she was pregnant. 
I didn't find out either way as I soon woke up wondering what the blum and flip that was all about. It might have stemmed from the fact that when I went to see friends and my goddaughter over the weekend I asked if she had visited which she had. I didn't ask but part of me was curious to know if she had brought a new partner with her. Maybe that was on my mind, gestating deep within? One more listen to Alter-Bridge might have watered it enough to flourish in my mind in the small hours, perhaps? The odd thing about it all is, even though she is now on my mind I’m not so over-run with emotion after it that I feel the need to actually follow up what I did in the dream and try and find or contact her.

I remember not long after the separation some mail for me had been sent to her new home. She brought it to me during a get together that sometimes involved both of us. 
On the parcel where her address was she’d actually blanked it out. I think that action set the tone; she wanted no comebacks. At all. So perhaps that’s why, although feeling a bit sad about it, I’m not about to follow my dream, as it were, and try and contact her. 
Sometimes I miss her madly but if it does get too much I try and remind myself how she ended it and her blanking out of her address on that parcel.

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