Another Thursday and another night/morning of dreams about her. I awoke much as I did last week, in a state of tiredness and feeling down and worn. I can’t recall the dreams but I do remember them being mostly about her and her departing from me. At times she was in the dream but mostly she wasn’t and it was me trying to comprehend what was happening or what was about to happen to me. Even thinking about it now the feelings I had are coming alive, like the scent of coffee once you open its bag, strong and permeating.
At the time the whole divorce situation did not really sink in, not for a long time. The sense of unreality stayed with me for a long time and has only now, until I have these dreams of course, really dissipated. Despite it all, however, some days I really do miss her. I miss being with her. The face she’d make when she’d try and grab a cheeky snack from behind the cupboard door, waking up wit her and grabbing a hug, the kiss she’d give me before she left for work of a morning. And damn it all, I just miss her presence and her calming influence.
Today that is all being tempered by the bitter and icy cold reality that she wanted to divorce me. I think it has taken my subconscious a long time to really work out what has happened, the near suddenness of it all. From what I can remember in the dream, I was driving around with her, then I was in a house alone and feeling so very sad, knowing that she wanted away from me. Even in dreams, in wonderful beautiful dreams I'm separated from her.
Why? Why did she want away from me? Why did she hurt me like that? The girl who said sh'd love me and be with me forever and who wasn't going anywhere when I opened up to her about my deep darkest fears and of my depression returning?