Thursday, 12 February 2015

Let me hide under the sheets

I had a bad day yesterday. My first really off day in a while. Which I suppose is something, especially when I consider last year's New Year start. After all it was this sort of time, maybe a bit later in the month, that I had a bad dip that almost culminated in another attempt at taking my life.
It had all started so well on the Monday too. I'd played some Futsal and had played well and won the games and only drawn the once. I even had to remind myself on the way back home that it was ok to enjoy things in life sometimes. It's easy to get so swallowed up with this damn illness that you can feel a bit guilty whenever the feeling of enjoyment comes up. 
I tried to allow myself that moment of niceness as I listened to tunes on my music player letting the fays events sink in.
The next day was fine, I had some training and had an injury to my jaw area but it didn't really prepare me for the day after where I felt worn, low and empty. It was a classic black day. No emotion, no energy just nothingness. I spent most of the day in bed, thankfully I didn't have much on and what I did have I cancelled.
All I can do in a time like that is get the tea and toast on and stare at the TV. Maybe get some tunes on and read a comic on my tablet. Anything else is generally out. And that includes talking as well.
It is something I have written about before but is this what I can expect from my life now? Is my black so entrenched that all I can hope for is days off from it's grip?
And what's really scaring me, though I'm trying hard not to really think about it, is when I go abroad. What then if I have a bad day?

Words are very unnecessary

Thinking about embarking on finding a romantic relationship with that still surrounding me is worrying. 
In fact it's probably less worrying and more likely to make me not bother embarking. I know all to well how it ended the last time. The very thought of going through the closeness of a relationship scares me. And the less said about anything approaching a sexual relationship the better.
Perhaps in this regard this is all on me. By that I mean to say that as someone pointed out to me last year people are different and just because my ex-wife reacted the way she did that's not to say the next girl in my life will. If I look back then I can see that did have some merit as I girl I did see didn't react to my illness the way I  expected or feared but I don't think I was ready to try a relationship. She sensed me holding back and even though I didn't think I was at the time I must have been. And seeing what happened not long after that it was probably just as well I didn't.
It was a shame as she was lovely and now she has moved on herself with a relationship.
Still, the idea of it no matter how enticing is still scary.
Perhaps I'm better off just not bothering?

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