Today is a struggle. I've had a few days off from a course I'm on and as I'm back on it tomorrow my usual responses are kicking in. I have and am enjoying the course but sometimes the lead up, whether it be this course or any other activity that needs me to leave my comfort area, can be a worrying time. This can entail either me generally worrying about the course, how will I do, what will happen, will I even get up on time? to just that general sort of blackness that can sometimes cover me at times like these. Today is one of those general black days where I am struggling to get motivated or do anything. I cancelled the gym as soon as I woke up as I had no energy for it. This might have been down to my heavy session yesterday which was the first one back after a week or two. But still, I used to be great for getting to the gym on consecutive days. Not no more it seems. I'll be lucky if I can get two days in a row now.
Today has been mostly watching a Regular Show marathon on the Cartoon Network, trying to get my course homework done and listening to Pink Floyd. All whilst sipping at brews and snacking some. What is a little worrying to me is that I'm happy with this and could quite easily stay indoors doing the aforementioned, with maybe some video gaming or drawing thrown in and be quite content. I think I'm trying to sift between my day to day tasks, courses and the such like and my 'home life'. If I can get my head around them then tackling those same tasks becomes a little easier as I can and do tell myself that once this is done it's back home to music, comics, brews and bed, if I so wish.
I am also acutely aware that this isn't the sort of behavior that will get me or keep me in any sort of a relationship. But so what? Are they the be all and end all of existence? Probably not though they are nice and comforting to be in. Still, that isn't a worry for me right now.
The effects of the last one are something I'm still working through.
But today, for a change, that doesn't seem to be the driving force behind this all too familiar episode.
I'm slowly coming up with strategies to deal with it. Small ones, borne from experience, that do work. The most basic one is if I wake up and am having a really bad one then it's watch and/or listen. This being a film, dvd, catch up TV and listen being music on my headphones as I lay in bed.
When it comes to doing stuff and having commitments then what I mentioned before, the if I do this today then I can go home and get to bed type ones seem to be working at the moment. I also broke from my usual norm and wrote to a friend during my episode last week and that did help. What my friend wrote back to me helped me focus and although getting up the next day was hard and I was still feeling the black I got up and out.
What's on my mind at the moment though is, will days like these become the norm?
Are they the norm? And if so, can I just accept that and work around them using the above?
The way the last week or so has gone perhaps so. I don't think I have much of a choice in the matter. This illness is firmly entrenched.